


karkat <> everyone

by Anon_H



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Addiction, Cheating, Crack, Fluff, Interventions, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Threesomes, all of it in fact, so much pale romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-11-27 08:38:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/659981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly as advertised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time to Talk

**Author's Note:**

> The beginning of this stupid self-imposed challenge.

She was always there.

Karkat didn't really know when it stopped being unnerving and started being reassuring but he took small comfort in her pressence on the meteor. Amidst all the drama, quadrant clusterfucks and failed trolling attempts she remained removed from it all. Part of Karkat was freaked out by her metallic exterior and nonchalance around death. Another part of him found it incredibly sad. He didn't understand much about timetravel at all, save for sparring with his own past and future selves, but seeing how many Aradia's had been needed to hold of the reckoning meant she had seen their timelines end and their friends die more often then he was able to keep track off

He prefered not to think too much about it.

Karkat looked around him. Everyone was busy trolling the humans, each other or were, in Gamzee's case, laying in a horn pile contemplating the beauty of miracles. Aradia was just standing in a corner, her red never blinking eyes observing the trolls. It was difficult to tell whether everyone was just ignoring her or accepted her as part of the scenery. Either way it was pissing him off. He looked around to see if anyone was watching him before chastizing himself mentally for being so paranoid, and simply opened the chat window. As far as Karkat knew 'apacolypseArisen' had been online from the moment she entered her land.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering apacolypseArisen [AA]\--

CG: HI   
AA: hi  
CG: MANDATORY LEADER CHECK UP. HOW ARE YOU.  
AA: 0kay  
CG: JUST THAT? JUST OKAY? NOT; "WELL I HAVE BEEN FINE, EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME ERIDAN WAS ACTING LIKE A DOUCHE."  
CG: "OR THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE CORNER FOR AT LEAST 20 HOURS STRAIGHT."  
CG: I KNOW YOU ARE A ROBOT AND PROBABLY HAVE MINESWEEPER IN THERE, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST STANDING THERE ALL THAT TIME?  
AA: 0bsering  
CG: OBSERVING?  
AA: yes  
CG: ALRIGHT, I'LL FUCKING BITE. WHAT ARE YOU OBSERVING US FOR? YOU HAVE KNOWN MOST OF US FOR SWEEPS.  
CG: YOU DON'T SEE ME MAKING A THESIS OUT OF GAMZEE OR SOLLUX; I ALREADY KNOW BOTH OF THEM ARE ASSHOLES.  
AA: y0u misunderstand  
AA: i am 0bserving the timelines  
CG: OH SHIT!  
AA: O_O  
CG: WE'RE DOOMED AREN'T WE? FOR THE LOVE OF ANY FUCKING DEITY I NEVER BELIEVED IN, TELL ME WE AREN'T DOOMED.  
CG: I JUST KNEW I WAS GOING TO FUCK UP SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE.   
AA: we are n0t d00med  
AA: ribbit  
CG: ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?  
AA: n0  
AA: we are n0t d00med yet  
CG: THEN WHY ARE YOU OBSERVING?  
AA: i am keeping cl0se watch 0n 0ur timeline and the p0ssible branches  
CG: OH. WELL....YEAH THAT IS IMPORTANT WORK.  
AA: was that all?  
CG: WELL YEAH BUT....URGH.  
CG: IT DOESN'T SIT WELL THAT YOU ARE DOING ALL THIS IMPORTANT SHIT WHILE WE ARE SITTING WITH OUR POLLEX UP OUR RECTUM.  
AA: its 0kay  
CG: NO ITS FUCKING NOT.  
AA: O_O  
CG: DON'T YOU NEED ANY HELP OR ANYTHING? I'LL GLADLY VOLUNTEER SOMEONE WHO ISN'T DOING ANYTHING.  
AA: that w0nt be nesecary  
AA: i get help fr0m my future selves wh0 is guiding me tr0ugh the steps 0f f0ll0wing the alpha timeline  
AA: in exchange i am helping my past self achieve the same  
CG: WAIT, SO EVEN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING CONVERSATION IS SCRIPTED?  
AA: yes  
CG: AND YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING TO BE SAID IN IT?  
AA: yes  
CG: THEN WHAT IS THE POINT FOR YOU TO EVEN CONTINUE TALKING WITH ME? YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO TELL YOU.  
CG: BOONDOLLARS, ZILLYHOO, SHELLBEAST, STEAMENGINE, ^CAKE  
AA: yes i knew you would say that  
CG: FFFFFUUUUUUCCK  
CG: I FEEL LIKE A TOOL FOR EVEN TRYING TO EXPRESS SOME FUCKING CONCERN FOR YOU IF YOU ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.  
AA: if it is any c0mf0rt  
AA: you needed t0 in 0rder f0r 0ur timeline t0 c0rresp0nd with the alpha  
AA: th0ugh i am still n0t sure why y0u c0ntacted me in the first place  
CG: YEAH WELL. I KINDA THOUGHT YOU WERE DUE SOME APRECIATION.  
CG: I MEAN, YOU MADE SURE OUR TIMELINE REMAINED ALPHA AND BECAUSE OF YOUR QUICK THINKING WE ESCAPED FROM NOIR.  
CG: YET I DON'T THINK ANYONE GAVE YOU AS MUCH AS A FUCKING THANK YOU.  
AA: n0 they havent  
CG: DOESN'T THAT PISS YOU OFF?  
AA: i have plenty 0f anger  
AA: but n0ne 0f it is ab0ut that.  
CG: HUH, I DIDN'T KNOW. THEN WHAT IS IT ABOUT?  
AA: i am angry at equius f0r what he did with the s0ulb0t  
CG: YEAH, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?  
AA: i d0nt feel like talking ab0ut it  
AA: i am angry at vriska  
CG: OBVIOUS REASONS.  
AA: i am angry at tavr0s and s0llux f0r n0t even b0thering t0 c0ntact me after entering the game  
CG: WHAT REALLY? NOT EVEN SOLLUX?  
CG: I MEAN I KNOW HE'S AN ASSHOLE HALF OF THE TIME AND INSUFFERABLE THE OTHER HALF, BUT DIDN'T THE TWO OF YOU KINDA HAVE SOMETHING?  
AA: i d0nt feel like talking ab0ut it  
AA: i am angry at gamzee f0r \--this c0mment is deleted--  
CG: WAIT WHAT? WHY ARE YOU ANGRY AT GAMZEE?  
AA: that is n0t imp0rtant  
CG: YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME EVEN IF I CONTINUE NAGGING ARE YOU?  
AA: n0  
AA: ribbit  
AA: it feels 0dd t0 talk ab0ut this stuff  
AA: n0t even my past and future selves feel like discussing this t0pic much  
AA: pr0bably because they already kn0w  
CG: YEAH WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST TALK TO PEOPLE MORE OFTEN.  
CG: TALK TO SOLLUX, GIVE HIM A VERBAL BEATDOWN FOR BEING SUCH A DOUCHE  
AA: i d0nt think i will d0 that  
CG: WELL YOU SHOULD. HE HAS HAD IT COMMING FOR A WHILE NOW.  
AA: OuO  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  
AA: it d0es l00k kinda terrible yes  
CG: YOU ARE ALL SORTS OF WEIRD YOU KNOW THAT?  
AA: ribbit  
AA: anyway thanks f0r y0ur leaderly check up  
AA: it is 0dd but i enj0yed it  
CG: WHAT? DID YOUR FUCKING SCRIPT SAY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO END THE CONVO HERE OR SOMETHING?  
AA: yes  
AA: but there will be an0ther 0ne in the near future  
CG: WELL IF YOU FUCKING SAY SO.  
CG: JUST DONT READ IT FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF OKAY? ITS ANNOYING AS HELL IF YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY  
AA: fidusspawn denizen pulse and haze  
CG: FIDUSSPAWN, DENIZEN, PULSE AND HAZE  
CG: DAMNIT.  
AA: thank y0u karkat  
CG: FOR WHAT? I DIDN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING  
AA: f0r briefly distracting me fr0m my duties s0 i c0uld experience s0me levity  
CG: YEAH WELL.......

Karkat stopped and turned away from his computer for a moment and turned to watch the group. Everyone was still doing their own thing and Aradia was still standing quietly in the corner. Much to his surprise however her head turned slightly and her metallic blue lips curled just enough to resemble something that may have been a smile.....if he squinted.

CG: YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME


	2. STAND STRAIGHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really kinda dislike Tavros. So lets go with a inspirational pale moment shall we?

Karkat was a leader of idiots.

He was aware that his main job was to prevent everyone from killing each other. It was a tiring thankless job, made no easier by the fact that being huddled up on a small rock in the buttfuck of nowhere, space tended to bring about some of the more violent urges. Vriska especially had been breaking staggering amounts of cueballs over the past few solar cycles and Nepeta was practically glued to Equius to soothe his unpredictable outbursts of barely contained STRONG rage. Even Kanaya seemed a bit to pleased with herself after cutting off Tavros' torso. Though she was probably more sane then anyone else on the meteor, the only troll Karkat could actually trust nót to have any murderous tendencies would be........ Tavros. 

Karkat did not understand Tavros at all. He was to nice, he played stupid games for girls, he was to apologetic, and he would have been culled three times over back on Alternia had he not befriended Aradia. It was almost shocking to see that Vriska saw any blackrom potential in him at all. The kid was so skullnumbingly kind that he didn't even fight the monsters in his land because he figured they would make for good allies.   
There was a lot about him that Karkat did not, could not understand but what was strangest of all was how Tavros was adapting to his new legs. He was prancing and jumping around like a goddamn idiot Karkat began to suspect he was activly looking for stairs. Troll Charles Darwin would be fascinated by his continued existance. It was only a matter of time before Karkat would find him at the bottom of one of the many grey staircases.

Karkat half heartedly kicked the side of his head."Get up moron." he growled."just what in alternia's name do you think you are doing here?"  
Tavros looked up and scrambled on his feet, almost losing balance when standing upright again. Karkat could never get over how much taller he was when not sitting down in his fourwheeldevice."ah sorry." he mumbled emberassed."equius said the legs needed to be tested some more to suit me.......and i thought that if i could walk the stairs with these legs then maybe they'd definitley be perfect."  
Karkat pinched the birdge of his nose not believing the words comming from him."You figured the best way to test if your legs work properly is by continuously trying to climb the stairs which have proved time and again to be incredibly difficult for you." Karkat sighed annoyed and looked up at Tavros who was shyly looking away."Has it occured to you that there are less painful ways to do this or did your thinking pan get damaged by the falls?"  
"Well yeah but then Equius would uhm....he'd have to periodically check on the performance and-"  
"And now he has to periodically fix your legs taking even more of his time. So we are pretty much back right where we are fucking started."

Tavros didn't have a reply for that. He looked at Karkat like a kicked puppy."I-I didn't know I was taking so much of Equius' time....I'll be more careful....." Karkat's eye twitched in iritation. He was used to sparring with Sollux or Terezi, he could deal with Gamzee going on completly unrelated tangents and he could accept Kanaya constantly telling him in a maternal manner that he's wrong but Tavros' insistent apologizing was really starting to get on his nerves.  
"How were you even planning on getting back up the stairs?" Karkat sighed. He was the leader after all, he might as well take it upon himself to try and fix this mess. Tavros smiled at the question.  
"I uhm....Usually crawl back up to avoid falling down as much." Tavros answered, actually sounding proud of it."With these new legs it takes me less then 5 minutes to clear these stairs.

Karkat's mouth fell wide open.

"NO NO NO YOU INEPT SHITGOBBLING NOOKSTAIN" he yelled gesturing wildly with his arms."You are telling me that even with these shiney new fucking robot legs you still have to crawl up the damn stairs!!?"  
"Uhm....Yeah?"  
"NO. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS." Karkat growled. He pointed at the stairs and looked Tavros square in the eyes."Start fucking climbing Nitram."  
Tavros mumbled a barely audible ok before putting his first foot on the stairs. He had only made it to the 8th step before tumbling back and rolling down the stairs. Karkat could barely mask a weird mixture of annoyance and pity he feld for the troll.  
"You ok?" he asked.  
"Yeah......" Tavros mumbled not even bothering to lift his face from the ground.  
"Good then try again." Tavros responded with a very miserable noise. 

The second time Tavros actually walked hunched forward, using his hands to hold onto the steps as well. It looked incredibly silly but it was a step up from crawling up the stairs. Karkat briefly thought he was actually going to make it before Tavros lowered his head, bumped against a step and fell flat on his tummy, clumsily sliding back down again.  
"I uhm....apreciate your help Karkat" Tavros mumbled with his face on the floor."but I don't think that this stair thing is meant for me.....kinda."  
Part of Karkat wanted to throw his hands up, call it quits and pester Sollux but Tavros was lying there like a pathetic sack of shit and needed to find a way to conquer his fear of stairs if only to for the dignity of the rest of the team damnit.  
"Try....a-fucking-gain." Karkat growled. This time he was going to follow Tavros step by step.  
Tavros actually tried to walk straight again, taking a very brave first step onto the staircase. Karkat mimicked his movement and kept close watch over him to see where he kept going wrong. The second step went pretty well and Karkat cautiously watched from the corner of his eye to see what Tavros was doing. The third step Tavros actually started wobbling a bit, trashing his head around in an attempt to keep his balance.

Suddenly it was obvious what the problem was.

"Back to ground level Nitram." Karkat yelled despite being right next to him."I Have a few very important questions."  
Tavros looked as if Karkat was sprouting a second head, but followed his orders. Within 3 quick steps they were back on ground level.  
"How big do you think your fucking horns are?" Karkat asked pulling one as if to demonstrate his point. Tavros stumbled a bit to stay in balance.  
"Well I uhm.....Didn't really measure but....pretty big I'd say?"  
"Are you fucking kidding me? They are huge! Humongous!" Karkat laid both his hands on Tavros' left horn and pulled down, imideatly bringing him out of balance. Tavros stepped away awkwardly trying to stay upright.  
"And how heavy do you think those horns are?"  
"They uhm.....Aren't so bad?"  
"Hoofbeast manure. Without these, you'd be so light you could actually take flight like your stupid made up fairies."  
"Uhm......Karkat." Tavros mumbled, finally connecting the dots. "Are you telling me that my horns are what makes me fall down the stairs all the time?"  
"I am telling you they certainly don't fucking help."

Karkat walked around Tavros observing his posture and trying to move the parts he needed to fix in an attempt to help him conquer the stairs. He was not letting him go back to the computerlab crawling.  
"Back straight! Chin up! Shoulders back! Chest front! Knees relaxed! Look straight! Come on Nitram let's fucking do this!" He yelled at him in a vain attempt to motivate the kid beaten by stairs. It was a pathetic attempt.  
Tavros sighed and started climbing the stairs again, his chin up and his back as straight as possible. After Karkat pointed it out he conciously could feel the weight of his head shift with every slightest movement. He opted to look as straight as possible and passed the 8th step before even realizing it.

The top was getting closer.

He was going to make it.

He looked up to far and shifted his weight backwards. DAMNIT

Instead of painfully feeling the concrete steps hit his back again he could feel someone pushing him back up."DON'T YOU FUCKING DO THIS NOW NITRAM." Karkat hissed angrily. He wouldn't accept Tavros falling like a imbecile now and pushed Tavros forward again. With his new found balance Tavros climbed the last steps and actually managed to clear the stairs. Finally having reached the top his face lit up as he turned to Karkat and he began to laugh."I did it! I did it! I have beaten the stairs!" Either his legs were pre-programmed with a horrible victory dance or Tavros was making one up.

Karkat briefly looked as if he wanted to say something, but decided to swallow it.

"Yes. Yes you fucking showed those stairs who the boss is."


	3. Duality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter just because he'd be far to happy with the second

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Computer terms I throw around are completly irrelevant

The noise.....

That horrible ear raping noise.

The urge to smash his head trough the monitor out of pure frustration was growing

Karkat considered himself to be a troll of many talents. He had a refined understanding of troll romance and cinema, he was a ruthless warrior with his scythe and if asked any other day he would have considered himself great at coding.

Today was not such a day

Karkat furiously started typing trying anything to rid his husktop of the virus he created himself and thanked god no one else was in the vicinity of his chamber to hear it. They were probably too busy fawning over the alien race they discovered. Well except Sollux but Karkat sure as well wasn't going to ask him for help.

No he wasn't shut up.

twinArmageddons was online. It would have been so easy but he really didn't want to hear him gloat. The noise from the audioloop kept drilling deeper into his skull to the point Karkat was actually fearing permanent damage. His goal was to create the most annoying virus ever made and he succeeded far beyond his own expectations. He would be willing to bet that a troll with less patience then him would have broken down already.

He tried shutting the computer down completly, but after 3 seconds of sweet blisful silence the computer turned itself back on. Karkat felt his patience dwindle and cringed when he heard the audio loop again. He was going to do everything in his power to beat his own virus.

"Delete syntax minaj" DENIED  
"Delete Audio Drive" DENIED  
"Restore Point; 3 days ago" DENIED  
"FUCK YOU" DENIED

Karkat smashed his head onto the desk and begrudgingly opened pesterchum. He was not looking forward to this conversation.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]\--

CG: SOLLUX........IT FUCKING PAINS EVERY FIBRE IN MY BODY TO DO THIS BUT......I NEED YOUR HELP.  
CG: IT IS HIGHLY EMBERASSING AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE MORE THEN USUAL AND I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.  
CG: REMEMBER BACK ON ALTERNIA? HOW WE'D COMPETE ABOUT JUST ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING EVER LIKE FUCKING WRIGGLERS?  
CG: THOSE WERE THE FUCKING HIGH DAYS WEREN'T THEY?  
CG: SOLLUX STOP FUCKING IGNORING ME I NEED YOUR HELP HERE DAMNIT!  
TA: holy fuck kk 2top fliippiing your 2hiit.  
TA: you mu2t be pretty de2perate iif you a2k me for adviice.  
TA: try contactiing kn 2he2 probably up for 2ome meddliing.  
CG: I DO NOT NEED A FUCKING MEDDLER RIGHT NOW. I NEED SOME SUPPORT HERE!  
CG: THIS SHIT IS GETTING SO BAD EVEN MY URGE TO CURL UP IN A BALL AND WEEP HAS DIED.  
CG: THAT WAS A JOKE, I NEVER FELT THE URGE TO CURL UP IN A BALL ALL MY LIFE.  
CG: SO HA HA FUCKING HA  
TA: whatever kk. what do you need?  
CG: YOU KNOW HOW WE USED TO CODE VIRUSSES BACK ON ALTERNIA?  
TA: and liike that you lo2t me  
TA: good luck wiith that shiit kk  
CG: SOLLUX GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE.  
TA: 2ollux get your a22 back here plea2e.  
CG: SOLLUX GET YOUR FUCKING OBNOXIOUS ASS BACK HERE PLEASE  
TA: eh clo2e enough.  
TA: what diid you me22 up toniight?  
CG: I MADE A SIMPLE VIRUS WITH A UNSTOPPABLE AUDIOLOOP  
CG: I CANNOT TURN IT OFF.  
CG: IT IS DRIVING ME AGAINST THE FUCKING WALLS. EVERY SECOND THIS AUDIO CONTINUES HURTS A LITTLE MORE. DEATH WILL COME AS A FUCKING RELIEVE.  
TA: wauw, ii2 that how ii 2ound when ii fuck 2hiit up?  
CG: NO THIS IS HOW I AM SOUNDING THIS VERY MOMENT.  
CG: FUCKING PLEASE SOLLUX. HELP ME TURN THIS SHIT OFF.  
TA: gee ii dunno kk. iit 2eem2 liike a hiighly compliicated program, thii2 miight take a whiile.  
TA: you may have actually gotten me beat thii2 tiime.  
CG: SOLLUX PLEASE DON'T MESS WITH ME.........  
CG: I REALLY CAN'T TAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW.  
TA: eh fiine.  
TA: open thii2 and take a 2tep back.

\--twinArmageddons [TA] send QuickFix.exe--

CG: GOD THANK YOU.

\--carcinoGeneticist's [CG] computer exploded--

Karkat looked in disbelief at the smoldering remains of his trusty husktop, not sure whether to thank Sollux for silencing the horrible horrible audio or to strangle him with his own intestines. His request was granted but at a terrible price; not a single component of his husktop was intact.

But like any level headed individual he carried 2 more computers with him and he quickly installed the new one on his desk. It missed a lot of the files he was working on and a lot of programs he had yet to download on this one, but all in all nothing vital was lost and his sanity was spared.

First he would need to install trollian....

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]\--

CG: HEY ASSHOLE  
CG: THANKS FOR ALMOST KILLING ME BACK THERE.  
CG: I APRECIATE IT. YOU ARE APRECIATED.  
TA: no need two be 2uch a fuckiing baby about iit.  
CG: YOU EXPLODED MY HUSKTOP IN MY FACE!  
TA: ii told you two 2tep back diidn't ii?  
CG: YEAH BUT.....DUDE, DID YOU HAVE TO DESTROY MY FUCKING HUSKTOP?  
TA: ii am the viiru2 guy, not the antii-viiru2 guy. the only program2 ii have two get riid of them come wiith new and exciitiing cur2e2.  
TA: one of them make2 iit's viictiim2 head explode iin the vacuum of 2pace.  
TA: 2eeiing our ciircum2tances ii thought we 2hould not tempt fate.  
CG: SO YOU JUST EXPLODED THE THING?  
TA: ii prefer the term controlled demoliitiion  
CG: RIGHT, LET ME REPHRASE THAT; YOU JUST EXPLODED THE FUCKING THING?  
TA: 2hort an2wer; ye2  
CG: LONG ANSWER?  
TA: my be2t friiend wa2 practiically 2uckiing my bulge beggiing me two help him.  
CG: AND FUCK YOU TOO.  
TA: ii thiink you mean; thank you 2ollux  
CG: YES....THAT TOO. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.  
TA: dude what?  
CG: I SAID THANK YOU ASSHOLE.  
TA: ii2 thii2 a new thiing? tryiing two catch me off guard by actually goiing along wiith thankiing me?  
CG: I WAS STUCK WITH THAT FUCKING AUDIOLOOP FOR ALMOST 30 MINUTES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I GOT IT, BUT IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOME UNHOLY CONCOCTION MADE BY BORED HORRORTERRORS JUST TO FUCK WITH ME.  
CG: YES, I AM ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF EXPRESSING A FORM OF GRATITUDE TO THE GUY WHO RIDS ME OF IT.  
CG: EVEN IF THE GUY A SMUG SHITSTAIN AND DOES NOT DESERVE IT.  
TA: that2 more liike iit. for a moment ii wa2 worriied you miight have actually gone iin2ane.  
CG: FUCK YOU, I AM AS SANE AS I ALWAYS AM.  
TA: that really doe2n’t iin2piire confiidence kk  
CG: OH HERE WE GO AGAIN.  
CG: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS  
TA: hehehe your welcome  
TA: anyway wa2 fun makiing fun of your iincompetence a biit.  
TA: warn me next tiime you want to try and make a viiru2.  
TA: ii want front row 2eat2  
CG: WAIT ARE YOU GOING OFF?  
TA: well yeah  
TA: le22 you have 2omethiing el2e two biitch about.  
CG: AS A MATTER OF FACT YES; I HAVE MORE BITCHING TO DO.  
TA: what ii2 iit now?  
CG: HAVE YOU TALKED TO ARADIA LATELY?  
TA: what? Where the fuck diid thii2 come from?  
CG: LOOK, I TALKED TO HER A WHILE AGO AND SHE SEEMED KINDA PISSED AT YOU.  
TA: oh….oh 2hiit.  
TA: ii2 2he 2tiill mad at me for kiilliing her?  
TA: waiit, what kiind of 2tupiid que2tiion ii2 that, of cour2e 2he ii2.  
TA: ii know ii’d be mad at the fuckiing iidiiot who’d kiill me.  
TA: 2hiit kk what do ii do?  
CG: FIRST THINGS FIRST; CALM YOUR TITS YOU IDIOT.  
TA: my tiit2 are none of your fuckiing bu2ine22.  
CG: SECOND OF ALL, SHE ISN’T MAD ABOUT THAT YOU INSUFFERABLE MORON.  
CG: AS A MATTER OF FACT, I’D WAGER SHE’S “0kay” WITH IT.  
TA: that really 2topped beiing funny age2 ago.  
TA: but iif 2he ii2n’t mad about that, then what the hell ii2 2he mad for?  
CG: SHE’S UPSET BECAUSE APPARANTLY HER FRIENDS NEVER CONTACTED HER AFTER SHE ROSE FROM THE FUCKING DEAD AND BECAME A ROBOT.  
CG: AND HERE IS THE BIG TWIST; ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLE FRIENDS?  
CG: IT IS YOU. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.  
TA: oh…  
TA: well……fuck.  
TA: ii mean you’d thiink no one would eagerly awaiit a conver2atiion wiith the guy who fuckiing vaporiized you.  
CG: AND NOW RESTS THE QUESTION; WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?  
TA: iignore iit and quiietly hope that iit goe2 away?  
TA: crawl to a dark corner iin 2hame and commiit riitualii2tiic 2uiiciide?  
CG: SOLLUX.  
TA: ii know, ii know  
TA: but thii2 2uck2 bulge. can you iimagiine how the convo wiill go?  
TA: “hey aa, 2orry for kiilliing you then iignoriing you for the entiire game liike a complete iidiiot. 2o how ii2 beiing a robot treatiing you?”  
TA: iit’ll be fuckiing great.  
CG: WELL CLEARLY YOU HAVE THIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL  
CG: HOW ABOUT YOU GET A REFUND ON YOUR SHAMEGLOBES CAUSE YOU ARE OFFICIALLY A PUSSY.  
TA: ii know but….2hiit kk, what am ii 2uppo2ed to do here?  
CG: WELL, DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER?  
TA: well ii gue22.  
CG: THEN WHAT IS STOPPING YOU? UNLESS SOMEHOW YOU BECAME RETARDED IN THE PAST FEW MINUTES AND I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW TROLLIAN WORKS.  
CG: DO YOU SEE THE RED HANDLE WITH THE NAME; APACOLYPSARISEN?  
CG: THAT NAME THAT HASN’T GONE OFFLINE FOR A SECOND SINCE ENTERING THE GAME?  
CG: DOUBLECLICK IT  
CG: TYPE: “HEY ARADIA” IN THE BLANK BOX  
CG: THEN PRESS ENTER.  
CG: ALSO DO NOT FORGET TO BREATH PERIODICALLY BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU ARE A IDIOT.  
TA: gee mr kk thank2 a lot. can you tell me how two do that wiithout the en2ueiing convo being awkward as 2hiit?  
CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  
CG: JUST FUCKING TALK TO HER OR I’LL PUNCH YOU SO HARD YOUR FUCKING LISP GETS CORRECTED.  
CG: AND FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DEAD LUSUS, MAN THE FUCK UP.  
TA: you are riight ii gue22……even tv would tell me to man up iif he heard me liike thii2….  
TA: you really thiink 2he even want2 two talk two me?  
CG: YES.  
CG: IN FACT I AM POSITIVE.  
TA: you know, half of me really thiink2 thii2 ii2 a terriible iidea.  
CG: NOT INTERESTED. CONTACT HER.  
TA: you are not goiing to let thii2 go are you?  
CG: AFRAID NOT. CLEARLY THIS SHIT HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU FAR MORE THEN YOU LET ON.  
CG: AND AS YOUR FUCKING LEADER IT IS MY GODDAMN RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE ON THIS METEOR, IN THE BUTTFUCK OF NOWHERE, SHAPES HIS OR HER SHIT UP.  
CG: PREFERABLY WITHOUT ANY BLOODSHED. THAT WOULD BE SWELL.  
TA: wauw way to make iit all about you agaiin.  
CG: I’M SORRY, I AM VERY BUSY WITH LEADERLY THINGS. LISTENING TO A LITTLE BITCH IS NOT THÁT HIGH ON THE TO DO LIST.  
TA: ii 2wear iif thii2 goe2 well ii’ll be 2ure two thank you.  
TA: iif not ii wiill melt your face off.  
TA: iit’ll probably be 2omewhere iin between 2o ii’ll 2ettle on a brofii2t.  
CG: SHIT I’LL TAKE IT.  
TA: yeah well……much as ii hate two admiit iit; thank2 for kiickiing my a22 there kk.  
TA: ii thiink ii am the kiinda iidiiot who need2 that every now and then.  
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME.

CG: AFTER ALL, WHAT ARE MOIRAILS FOR?

The enter key remained pristine and untouched after typing that sentence. Karkat had to sit back having typed that sentence on impulse. It just felt right to type it and he had almost send it to Sollux.  
Begrudgingly Karkat became aware of his behavior of the past few hours; he had been making pale advances to both Aradia, Tavros and now even Sollux without thinking it trough. He knew he was a born mediator, hatched to shoosh and pap, but without a proper moirail he was afraid he was turning into what he could only describe as a pale slut.

Karkat mentally chastised himself. He honestly wanted to help his friends in a way that certainly could be read as pale but this was getting out of hand. The rest might get the wrong idea, disrespect him as a leader for his unwanted advances or worst of all; start fighting over his pale quadrant.

Karkat shuddered at the thought and backspaced the sentence as fast as he could. He really needed to talk to someone about this stuff.

CG: AFTER ALL, WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR MORON?  
TA: couldn’t have 2aiid iit better a22hole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6j4f8cHBIM source for the terrible noise Karkat was subjected to. Listen at your own risk.


	4. Pale Benefits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat explains his problems to Kanaya. Shenanigans ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skipping over Nepeta Karkat.....Largely because it seems incredibly sad to me. It would mean Equius wasn't fulfilling his duties to Nepeta and she'd get palezoned by her flushcrush....That's just sad.

His pale attraction to his various teammates was beginning to form a problem.

He had almost confessed his pale feelings for Sollux, his lifelong PLATONIC best friend and just the thought of having a conversation about their mutual feelings, pale or not, made Karkat’s bile churn.

The same thing might as well have happened with Tavros and Aradia for how pale that got. Karkat shuddered at the thought of being in a quadrant with Tavros. He was pathetic and really needed help of someone sane enough not to break his legs but Karkat really didn’t want to be the guy to fill that slot.  
 _”IT WAS A ONE TIME THING. IT MEANT NOTHING.”_ he told himself.

Aradia on the other hand……talk about a hot pale mess. Karkat couldn’t even phantom how she kept all her emotions and destructive urges in check. She got killed by her boyfriend, is forced to work with the bitch that manipulated him in doing so in the first place and has seen more timelines perish then anyone while bearing it stoically. It doesn’t take a romance expert to realize that deep down she wants someone to talk to, someone to help her. Not only that but with her constant calm and rational behavior she’d make a perfect match for---

 _”NO NO NO NO FOCUS.”_ Karkat thought rubbing his temples frustrated. This was exactly why he had come down here.

The only troll remaining in paradox space whom he could trust to keep this quiet was Kanaya probably the sanest troll Karkat had ever met. If anyone could help him see things straight again it was her. He looked around to see if anyone was watching him before stepping onto the transportalizer to her room.

She was sitting there, quietly reading a book and taking a break from pestering the ridiculous pink flesh monkeys. Karkat vaguely remembered her taking a shine to the one wielding sinister majyks. Kanaya was so absorbed in her book she was actually getting a light jade colored blush and did not notice Karkat come in.

In his curiosity Karkat tilted his head to try and read the title. _”50 shades of pale”_. Just reading that title send a shiver down Karkat’s spine. He had heard it was uninspired fanfiction based pale smut but had always been kind of curious about it. Purely as a professional romcom critic he’d tell himself. After all how could smutty drivel become thát popular without some redeeming qualities.

Kanaya looked up, finally having noticed Karkat, and in a flash closed her book and hid it. She quickly stood up with her usual posture and looked at him, her cheeks still a little jade tinted.”Good day Karkat.” She said her voice a tidbit higher than usual.”What can I help you with?”

Karkat shook his head trying to put the book out of his head. _”SO WHAT IF SHE READS THAT STUFF? SHE IS ENTITLED TO HER SMUT”_ he tried to tell himself. It was not really working but Karkat came here for a reason. He was going to see it trough.

”I guess I came to have a chat with the only sane fucking friend I have” Karkat groaned folding his arms and keeping a bit of distance between them. He didn’t really want to repeat what happened with the others.”Especially since Sollux can’t talk 5 sentences without me wanting to drop him down a flight of stairs, Gamzee is distracted by one miracle or another every time he blinks and Eridan really isn’t in the mood to discuss quadrants.”

Having finished that sentence Karkat almost immediately regretted saying it. Kanaya’s eyes looked like a predator’s for a fraction of a second before immediately returning to a calm and normal look. “I am not sure I am most qualified to advise about quadrants.” Kanaya said quietly enunciating each word carefully.

”Well yeah sorry if I am putting you spot here but you are the most sane person in the two moirail pairings we have here.” Karkat said.”and I sure as hell am not asking Nepeta, that sweaty asshole or the spiderbitch for advice.”

Much to his surprise Kanaya chuckled. It was not the joyful chuckle he had heard occasionally but a slightly bitter chuckle.”Yes one of the two moirail pairings….” She mused.”An empty title if ever there was one.” She sighed and sat down next to her recuperacoon and gestured Karkat to sit next to her. Karkat just shrugged and kept his distance.”As for the state of our moirallegiance I fear Vriska and I are trough.” Kanaya said quietly, not entirely capable of masking the sadness in her voice. “We never made it official but we can both feel it. She seems to merely tolerate my meddling without actually paying it mind….And I no longer feel the urge to try, if I ever had at all.” Karkat could feel his jaw drop and pale sympathies flutter in his chest. This was going to be tough but he was going to have to fight it.

”Well……fuck.” Karkat growled. He actually decided to take Kanaya up on her previous offer and sat down next to her.”I am sorry to hear that. I mean for you, not for the spiderbitch. Vriska doesn’t deserve half of your meddling.” Kanaya smiled.

”That is very kind of you Karkat.” She said, moving a bit closer to him much to Karkat’s discomfort.”But you came here with a problem of your own?” Karkat shuffled around feeling incredibly shy all of the sudden. Somehow the sound of her voice was so very comforting.

”Well…..” Karkat started hesitantly “I have been feeling……some urges lately.”

”Red or Black?” Kanaya asked. Karkat groaned, remembering having been in Kanaya’s role more than once. Karkat had asked the very same question to people when they were being vague about what was going on.

”…..Pale.” Karkat admitted. He avoided her eyes but he could almost feel her looking at him.”It is getting incredibly hard to ignore and……” Karkat stopped. He would prefer not to say it but he knew she wouldn’t let it go.

”And what Karkat?” Kanaya asked, her voice coated in understanding and sympathy. She sat a bit closer again to give him her full attention.

”And it is beginning to become a bit of a problem….” He growled.”God what the fuck is wrong with me.”

Kanaya placed her hand on his shoulder. Karkat could feel himself go rigid. This was exactly what he was hoping to avoid but it was happening again.”Karkat it is perfectly normal to feel attracted to another troll.” Kanaya said softly.”There is no reason to beat yourself up over it.

”I know, I know…..” Karkat sighed.”It’s just……I don’t think I can actually act on it. Not without hurting people or losing their respect for me as their leader.” Karkat bit his lower lip. He was actually telling Kanaya about his fears and attractions. There was no way this moment they were sharing was anything but pale.

Kanaya only tilted her head a bit clearly trying to understand. She was starting to blush, probably realizing the pale sentiment she was expressing, or so Karkat hoped.”Karkat….” she began carefully.”Is the object of your pale affections already in a moirallegiance?”

Karkat’s eyes widened and his mouth fell dry as he realized what a fool he made of himself; now Kanaya was thinking Karkat was pale for her. Before he could actually protest Kanaya wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in for a hug. He couldn’t help it; it felt right. He wrapped his arms around her and nestled his head between her shoulder and neck.

It lasted longer than either of them cared to keep track of. They were sitting in silence, taking comfort in each other’s presence until Kanaya whispered something Karkat couldn’t quite register at first.”I’m sorry Karkat. I don’t think I can do this.”

Karkat pulled back from the hug to look at Kanaya and saw jade tears forming in the corner of her eye. She used a handkerchief to wipe them away and shivered a bit before finding her posture again.”I am sorry Karkat….I really am.” She whispered.

Before Karkat could register what was going on and explain himself she continued.”I did not mean to make light of your feelings and I am more than flattered.....In fact, I would love to take you to the pile and sort out all your problems.” She shuffled a bit to create more distance between them and avoided his look of utter confusion.”But I just got out of a very long and very tiring moirallegiance…..And I do not want to risk souring our friendship in a moirallegiance I am not fully invested in. I realize that I may very well regret this in the very near future but I do not want to hurt-- “ Karkat cut her off.

”Can I interrupt before you draw any more hasty conclusions?” Karkat sighed.”Because that would be grand.” This woman clearly had more problems than she wished to show and while he wasn’t sure he was ready to jump in a pile with her he really wanted to help her sort her problems out.

Kanaya simply nodded looking helpless. Perhaps she was anticipating a tirade about leading people on but Karkat was not going there. Instead he patted the ground next to him, inviting her to sit next to him again. Hesitantly she obliged. She was surprised when Karkat actually began to play with her hair and carefully rub the base of her horns. She began to relax again, not sure about what was going on anymore.

”I think I am getting way to obsessed with the pale quadrant.” Karkat started.”You clearly need a moirail to help you out with all these little issues you have and I would be honored to do so.” Kanaya wanted to say something but the moment her lips formed a syllable Karkat interrupted again.”However…..the problem with my pale feelings is that….well……They are not limited to you.” Kanaya said nothing and instead closed her eyes to concentrate on his voice and his hands near her horns.

”I must be the worst leader ever to let it come this far but…..this day alone I had moments that could be interpretated as pale with Aradia, Tavros and Sollux.” Karkat sighed.”And then I come to you for help and I still feel compelled to drag you into this incredibly pale moment.”

Kanaya actually giggled at that. _”SHE ACTUALLY FUCKING GIGGLED”_. She opened her eyes and looked at him.”I don’t think you are a bad leader Karkat.” She said. She didn’t seem as tense anymore.”I do not doubt that some of us would have killed each other had anyone but you taken that role.” Karkat faced away not wanting to show he was actually blushing a bit at that compliment.

”So what the fuck am I supposed to do?” Karkat asked.”I cannot go around the team continuously having pale moments with every single one of them like a pale concubine. They’d lose what little fucking respect they have for me or worse; I actually get dragged in a quadrant I am not fully invested in.”

”Do you think they would mind you helping them?” Kanaya mused.

”I know it’s fucked up, and that’s why….” Karkat stopped mid-rant registering what she just said.”I’m sorry but what the fuck are you talking about?”

”I am not sure the rest of the team will actually object to you assisting them without rushing into a quadrant with them.” She said with a smile.”I know some of us could actually use some sympathetic words.”

”It isn’t right.” Karkat growled. “I am not a cheap pale sleaze alright?”

”I know” Kanaya said. She actually took her turn to rub the base of his horns now and _”DEAR GOD THAT FEELS GOOD”_.”You are our leader.” She continued.”Therefore, if it is for the benefit of the team it is your responsibility is it not?

Karkat recalled that he actually used that as a excuse to check up on Aradia. She, as member of the team, was his responsibility. He nodded and closed his eyes to relax as Kanaya continued to talk and massage.

”As for your own pale feelings well….” Kanaya said hesitantly.”I certainly would not mind sorting your problems on ocassion.” Karkat could practically feel her blush.”You are carrying a heavy burden but you need not carry it all by yourself.”

Karkat gulped. He could not believe what he was hearing here.”Kanaya….” he mumbled.”Are you actually suggesting we become…….”

”I know. I must sound like a madwoman.” Kanaya said with a embarrassed high pitch laugh.”But if it’s with you…. I think we can become friends with pale benefits.”

”You have been reading that smutty “50 shades of pale” book lately haven’t you?” Karkat asked. He could not find it in himself to go on a tirade. She was still massaging the base of his horns and it was so incredibly relaxing.

”I uhm…..” Kanaya mumbled.”I can not deny that it is a incredibly smutty book…..But a woman has her needs.” She stopped massaging and had a sudden feeling of self awareness, of what exactly she was doing.”If you do not wish such a relation with me I fully understand and will not make any unwanted pale advances even though I think you would really benefit from—“

Karkat decided to stop her right there.”Kanaya you are rambling.”

”I apologize” she said hastily.”I just want to know where you stand in this.”

Karkat leaned back against the recuperacoon and looked at her. “Honestly I am kinda on the fence about it.” He mumbled.”I know I wouldn’t get jealous if you helped others but won’t you get jealous if I get pale with others?”

Kanaya shook her head.”Honestly Karkat.” She said.”I am not really looking for a long term moirallegiance right now.”

It was a weight of his chest to actually come clean about his pale feelings and Kanaya was surprisingly open minded about it. In fact, what she proposed could very well work out for both of them.

Karkat looked Kanaya straight in the eye.

 

 

”We are not going to do anything from that fucking book.”


	5. The blind leading the blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Terezi share a tender moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You knew she was next.

He pitied her

She was beautiful in a way entirely her own. She could be genuinely funny and caring when she felt like it and had never once judged him for his blood color. She had even kept his mutation a secret after finding out during one of their redder moments. She was strong and could easily keep up with him while blinded. Sometimes he even wondered if being blind had somehow given her the advantage. 

He hated her. 

She was smarter than he was, but could never be straight about anything. Everything she said was wrapped up in vague, morbid or cutesy bullshit. She had no concept of personal space and slobbered on everything and everyone with that freaky tongue of hers. Not to mention her own batshit insane sense of justice she was spewing to whoever gave her the time to start about the subject. 

The fact that she was right in his face right now was not helping either of those conflicting sentiments. 

“What smells like shame and…..” she took a good sniff at Karkat much to his annoyance.”Textiles? Hanging out with Mrs. Maryam are we?” she cackled. 

“Yes we hung out.” Karkat growled.”Is that a federal fucking offense? It was delightful.” He was not going to tell her about their arrangement. Somehow the idea of keeping a secret from the seer of mind was incredibly enjoyable. Terezi however was quick to catch on. Her eyes narrowed behind her red-tinted glasses. 

“What are you hiding from me?” she asked suspiciously as she started to sniff. Karkat shoved her off as she got in his face again to get a good whiff.”What exactly are you and Mrs. Maryam up to?” 

“We just debated some fine fucking literature.” Karkat said, not in the mood to deal with her mind games.”Kanaya has saved quite an extensive collection from Alternia but apparently one of the surviving books is a legendary piece of pale smut which was worth discussing.” It was a half truth; they certainly discussed a few things from that book. He hoped Terezi would swallow it. 

“Well that’s fine. I suppose.” She said. Karkat was unable to determine whether or not she believed him. She turned to him and grinned like a shark.”I just finished drawing another comic for Dave.” 

“Who the flying fuck is Dave?” 

She laughed like a harpy swooping down on a wounded prey.”One of the humans dummy.” She cackled.”Honestly, as our leader you should pay more attention to these things. I’ve been organizing a cross-species culture exchange. Dave called me his weird alien shitty comic and sburb sensei.” 

Karkat could not help himself.”Ok, stop it right the fuck there. You made contact with the fucking cross-eyed shitsamples from the universe we created. Stranger things happened during that damn game so I won’t even give you any shit for that. But you immediately start screwing them over with those weird, completely retarded shenanigans and play mind games with them for your fucking assassinationschemes?” 

She crossed her arms and frowned.”I am just drawing him shitty comics and help him be the best kid.” She grumbled.”Not everything is about mind games and assassinations you know?” 

Karkat waved it off making his way back to the computer lab.”Well maybe you should do it anyway. I am pretty sure they are the cause of everything that went wrong with our session.” 

Terezi uncharacteristically mumbled something so softly Karkat couldn’t hear it.”I beg your fucking pardon?” he asked turning to face her. 

“I……..Kinda got one of them killed?” Terezi said. Her face looked grim in a way unfamiliar to Karkat. It seemed disappointed….sad….even guilty. _”THE GREAT TEREZI PYROPE GUILTY?”_ It was almost too good to hope for. 

“Well that’s one out of…..six? How many of them are there?” Karkat asked feigning interest.”If we manage to kill them or have them kill each other before they ruined everything for us we might actually get off this fucking rock.” Karkat couldn’t help it. She cringed when he mentioned killing the humans and it made him smirk. 

Terezi however wasn’t going to show him she was uncomfortable with the idea and got back in his face grinning a smile full of razors.”Killing them won’t work. It will only doom the timeline, as indeed it had.” She prodded him in the chest with her boney finger and cackled.”We wouldn’t want to doom our branch of the timeline would we?” 

Terezi could feel his heart pound at the mention of dooming the timeline and laughed. Karkat shoved her off before she could lick him again.”Fine, fine. So if we can’t kill them without dooming our asses, what can we do?” 

“We can mess with them and exchange shitty comics.” 

“Not. Fucking. Helping. ANYONE” 

She crossed her arms and smiled at him.”Why don’t you try to get in contact with the blueberry text human?” she said with an amused smile. “Just view it as a interspecies leaderly diplomacy jamboree.” 

“That sounds incredibly frivolous even for you.” Karkat growled.”If, AND ONLY IF I’d ever contact him it will be a strictly business exchange between a vastly superior commander to the idiot leader of a pack of howling apebeasts.” 

“I didn’t know you thought thát poorly about yourself” Terezi cackled. 

He facepalmed. The black feelings were stirring a little. She was insufferable in how everything seemed like a joke to her. In between sentences Karkat had the growing suspicion she wanted to say something but kept postponing it, masking it with terrible jokes and jabs at his expense. It was aggravating and he knew he was getting drawn back into her game. 

He just didn’t feel like backing off. 

“This is not a fucking game Terezi.” He growled.”These fucking aliens ruined our session and you are getting that disgusting thing you call a tongue in their business. Considering the fucking nature of paradox space this might as well mean you inevitable put them to the task of ruining our session like the universe’s shittiest wrecking ball. You don’t consider the fucking consequences of your actions like a child poking his eating utensil in a electricity socket. YOU ARE STILL TREATING THIS LIKE A FUCKING GAME!” 

“I know this isn’t a game! I-“ Terezi didn’t finish her sentence and sighed. She looked at him with piercing red eyes and her mouth slightly open as if she wanted to say something. After a few seconds of awkward silence she settled for grabbing his arm and dragging him away from the computer lab. He grumbled a half-hearted objection but allowed her to guide him. 

She guided him to the very top of the lab. There was a very oddly modified telescope abandoned on the edge of the building and nothing but the vast expense of space around them. It made him feel incredibly insignificant _“OR MORE SO THEN USUAL”_. Terezi looked around into the blackness surrounding them. 

“So what? you wanna talk here?” Karkat asked crossing his arms over his chest.”I mean it’s fine I guess. I can appreciate a dramatically chosen décor for your verbal sparring.” 

Terezi snickered.”A décor? Like we are all actors in a shitty romcom and the world’s our stage? Really Karkat, who is viewing this as a game?” 

Karkat just rolled his eyes. He wanted to respond and rant but held it back. It was as if Terezi could smell his frustration as her lips curled into a slasher smile.”I just wanted to talk to you in private, Karkles.” She said softly but maintaining a mocking tone.”It’s hard to get some privacy around here.” 

_ “PRIVACY?”_ Karkat stood frozen to the ground. _”OH FUCK THAT’S WHAT THIS IS, ISN’T IT? THIS IS LEADING UP TO A CONFESSION.”_ He tried recollecting all the confession scenes from his collection. Confessions on moonlit bridges during the last minutes of the night. Tearful confessions the night before the highbloods went to war. Aboard of a sinking ship….Why not atop a meteor in space while among the last survivors of their race? 

“It’s about Dave.” 

_“OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS”_ He thought. Karkat felt his ego deflate.”What about the human shitstain!?” he said just a bit too loud. 

Terezi didn’t even flinch and crossed her arms.”It’s…..kind of strange.” She said.”By killing the human leader I created an off-shoot timeline…..which is inevitably doomed.” Karkat rolled his eyes. He knew the basics of timeline management by now. Terezi continued.”Somewhere in paradox space exists a timeline wherein we are doomed because I killed a human…..”

“So?” Karkat grumbled turning to face the vast empty space surrounding them.”We created a metric shitload of doomed timelines. Didn’t you see……smell all the Aradiabots during the final fight?” 

Terezi leaned against him. She was pretty certain she smelled him blush.”Yeah, but everyone was fucking up during the game.” She sighed. “Now I am the fuck-up. It’s me.” 

“Okay…” Karkat growled, a little embarrassed at the sudden intimacy.”We are not going to have a fucking self-pity party about this. Your one fuck-up pales in comparison to my plethora of moments where I no doubt created a doomed timeline.” 

“I thought you said we were not going to turn this into a self-pity party.” She whispered

“Bite me Pyrope.” 

“I don’t think I will today…”

They sat in silence for a moment. Terezi could hear Karkat’s heartbeat as she shuffled just a bit closer. Karkat absentmindedly let her, not entirely sure what to do with his arm. He decided to take the time to appreciate the beauty of the vast emptiness of paradox space, occasionally glancing down, at her. 

“Don’t blame yourself for it okay?” He quietly growled in an attempt to break the silence.”If anything, blame that human for getting killed.” She didn’t respond.”How did you do it anyway?” 

“…Manipulating him to go to his Denizen’s palace?” She said, a little muffled by his shirt. 

_ “HOLY SHIT THAT’S BRILIANT”_ he briefly thought to himself before dismissing the thought. She didn’t need to hear that right now.”Well then it wasn’t your fault.” He said, trying not to sound impressed by her mind games.”It was natural fucking selection that killed him. Too stupid to live.” 

“It was so stupid.” She groaned.”I should have seen it coming.” 

“I’m not even going for the obvious joke cause I am a mature and sensible adult.” Karkat mumbled.”Honestly, you can’t expect to know everything that’s going to happen.” 

“I kinda did…Or I think I did.” She answered.”I thought it was my role as seer to know everything that was going to happen….Look where that got us.” 

“Well tough shit.” Karkat groaned.”Trust me, everyone and everything in paradox space contributed to us being here. This is not on your head so stop fucking blaming yourself.” 

Terezi chuckled and smiled up at him. A surprisingly normal and non-threatening smile. “Thanks Karkat.” She said.”I needed that.” 

She turned around and navigated her way to the stairs effortlessly, leaving Karkat atop of the meteor. Sometimes he really did forget she was blind for how fast she could move. 

“Are you coming ‘leader’?” she shouted. 

Karkat sighed. 

He pitied her. 

He hated her. 

And now he was even feeling a pale sentiment towards her. 

“None of you dumb fuckers couldn’t even find your way down the stairs without me guiding you every step of the way.” Karkat shouted back.”Your all a bunch of retarded barkbeasts waiting for me to show how not to drown in your own shit.” 

He stuck his hands down his pockets and followed Terezi back to the computerlab 

Kanaya was going to have a field day with this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact; I don't think Terezi and Karkat shared any moments that could be considered pale, with exception of the recent updates, so this was a pain to write.


	6. From Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Vriska confronts Karkat about his intentions with Kanaya. Shenanigans ensue

Kanaya was amused to see him in her room again.

His little rendezvous with Terezi had left him tense and confused but she was more than happy to talk him through it. Karkat had never imagined it would feel that pleasant to be on the receiving end of a good shoosh-pap but it was just what he needed. He was grateful that she was willing to listen and comfort him, aside from her kind teasing (“I Suppose Next You Will Start Feeling The Urge To Mediate Between Ms Pyrope And A Possible Black Suitor?”)

With renewed energy he returned to the computer lab. Feferi and Gamzee seemed to be missing but everyone else was glued to their computer screen. Karkat quietly took a seat behind his own computer and considered Terezi’s advice to contact the humans. They seemed almost painfully uninteresting trough the viewports but perhaps they were the key to get out of this jam.

His mouse hovered over the handle ‘Ectobiologist’ and--

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]—

Maybe this was not gonna suck?

AG: Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat

No….No it definitely was gonna suck.

CG: I BETTER GET MY FUCKING ICESKATES CAUSE HELL APPARANTLY FROZE OVER AND YOU JUST WILLINGLY STARTED A CONVERSATION WITH ME.  
CG: I THOUGHT WE MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR WE COULDN’T STAND EACH OTHER SO WHY DON’T YOU CRAWL BACK TO THE WEB YOU CAME FROM.  
CG: I HAVE LEADERLY BUSINESS TO DO.  
AG: Leaderly 8usiness with fussyfangs I take it?

Karkat froze behind his keyboard. _”HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES SHE KNOW? DID KANAYA TELL?”_ no….no, she would never tell. Vriska was just as likely to take it out on her. Karkat just looked at the conversation; She was writing another message. He just hoped he could get out of this with all his limbs intact.

AG: I admit I was kiiiiiiiinda surprised realizing what was going on, 8ut I guess it makes sense.  
AG: in a weird, disgusting sorta way.  
AG: she can do soooooooo much 8etter, 8ut as long as she’s happy, who am I to judge?  
CG: FUCK LOOK…..I CAN EXPLAIN ALRIGHT?  
AG: hahahahahahahaha oh we are faaaaaaaar past explaining Karkat.  
AG: I saaaaaaaaw that 8lissed look fussyfangs had after you left her room.  
CG: SHIT…. IT WAS NOT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE, I SWEAR.  
AG: karkat pleeeeeeeease don’t be so 8oring.  
AG: I h8 it when people are 8oring.  
AG: I am not mad. In fact, it explains a loooooooot.  
CG: UHM…..IT DOES?  
AG: well duuuuuuuuh.  
AG: I’m even kinda glad a8out it.  
AG: Kanaya has 8een acting weird for a while now 8ut I didn’t know it was this serious.  
CG: WELL YEAH……I DIDN’T EXACTLY EXPECT IT MYSELF EITHER. IT JUST SORTA HAPPENED.  
AG: Ooooooooh???????? So Fussyfangs took the initiative? I’m so proud of her.  
CG: TRUST ME, I WAS MORE SURPRISED THEN ANYONE.  
AG: I always kiiiiiiiinda expected her to turn out to 8e a monosexual.  
AG: 8ut if she found a loving matesprite in you then I’m not going to stop you.  
AG: in fact, I encourage it ;;;;)

_”WAIT……..WHAT!?”_ Karkat’s jaw fell wide open as he glared at the cerulean text on his screen.”Vriska had somehow deduced he was seeing Kanaya but actually thought they were flushed for each other? _“NO! NO, NO, NO , NO!....WELL UNLESS…..NO, NO!”_

He sat back as Vriska was typing another message. This was going to get messy and Karkat considered his options. He could ask Kanaya to play along but there were a million ways that could fail. Plus, he didn’t really consider himself a liar. He could come out and tell the truth but he was dealing with Vriska Fucking Serket here. There was no telling how she would react.

It would be a challenge to find a compromise between those two.

AG: I just want to make clear that if you eeeeeeeever do something to hurt my moirail…….  
AG: I won’t hurt you. No. That would be toooooooo easy.  
AG: I’ll steal all your luck. All of it. And then…….I’ll wait.  
AG: For the moment you trip down the stairs and 8reak your neck.  
AG: For the moment you somehow find yourself 8etween Equius and his ro8ots.  
AG: For that fleeting moment where any fatality might find itself.  
AG: Then you will know not to fuck with my moirail.  
CG: …..DON’T HURT KANAYA, GOT IT.  
CG: BUT I BELIEVE WE ARE COMMUNICATING ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LEVEL HERE.  
CG: THE LEVELS ARE SO FAR APART IN FACT, THAT THEY NEED A TELESCOPE TO SEE EACH OTHER.  
CG: I AM NOT KANAYA’S MATESPRITE.  
AG: whaaaaaaaat? I’ve 8een wanting to give someone the talk for like, forever. It’s like the 8est thing a8out 8eing moirails.  
AG: now Fussyfangs finally got some I figured now was the time.  
CG: KANAYA AND I DIDN’T HOOK UP.

Well, technically it’s nothing official.

CG: WE WERE JUST DEBATING SOME PALE ROMANCE NOVELS SHE WAS READING.

The same half truth for both scourge sisters.

CG: AND THERE ARE NO FLUSHED FEELINGS INVOLVED.

Completely true.

AG: 8ooooooooring.  
AG: Can’t you just hook up for the sake of it?  
AG: I am preeeeeeeetty sure Kanaya really needs a matesprite.  
AG: Or a kismesis for that matter. 8ut I don’t think anyone here really hates her like that.  
CG: I THINK I AM GOING TO SWOON.  
CG: WAIT, NEVERMIND, IT WAS PROJECTILE VOMMIT.  
CG: ROMANCE DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT YOU IMBECILE.  
AG: I knoooooooow. 8ut it’s a moirails duty to look after your quadrants right?  
AG: I’ve 8een looking left and right 8ut none of you chumps seem like a proper match for her.  
AG: Then I thought; maybe McFussyfangs and our 8raaaaaaaave leader just hooked up in secret and it made perfect sense.  
AG: you 8oth like 8oring romance stories and not-killing people.  
CG: AND?  
AG: aaaaaaaand……..well, yeah that’s pretty much it.  
AG: That’s already more of a match then she is with the others.  
AG: Except may8e Equius 8ut I can’t do thát to Kanaya.  
AG: Nepeta might 8e a good match too 8ut I am pretty sure she has someone else in mind for her flushed quadrant. Isn’t that right, Karkitty?  
CG: CAN WE MAYBE…..NOT TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?  
CG: I’LL TACKLE THAT PROBLEM EVENTUALLY.  
AG: aaaaaaaaw don’t deny the crazy kittycatshipper her otp.  
CG: UUUURGH.  
AG: hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  
AG: Soooooooo if I enter her room I WONT find a 8ucket and Kanaya 8lisfully in her recuperacoon?  
CG: NO  
CG: AND WHY DO YOU SOUND DISAPPOINTED?  
CG: KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT, NEVERMIND, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.  
AG: I’m just saying, I need to 8e atop of these things.  
AG: And with all the commotion around here I’d understaaaaaaaand if you wanted some….privacy.  
CG: OH MY GOD NO.  
CG: GET IT TROUGH YOUR THINKPAN, ME AND KANAYA DIDN’T BECOME MATESPRITES WHILE NO ONE WAS WATCHING.  
AG: I kiiiiiiiiinda thought that explained why Kanaya is acting so strange l8tely  
AG: Like, if she’d 8e to busy with her flushcrush to 8other me. I’d get that.  
AG: You know she hasn’t meddled me once after we entered the game?  
AG: I thought this would 8e a good time to get 8ack in touch with her.

Karkat saw opportunity to shift the focus of the conversation away from him. It would mean he’d have to sit through Vriska’s exposition but it’d be better than being targeted by her attempts at shipping.

CG: DOES IT BOTHER YOU?  
AG: Pardon?  
CG: THAT SHE ISN’T MEDDLING WITH YOU. I ALWAYS KINDA THOUGHT YOU HATED IT WHEN SHE MEDDLED WITH YOUR BUSINESS.  
CG: IN FACT, I AM PRETTY SURE YOU STATED THAT MORE THEN ONCE.  
AG: Oh what’s it to you!  
AG: It’s not like it’s 8ny of your 8usiness.  
AG: I’m not going to ela8or8 on every little thing we do in private.  
CG: SO THAT’S A YES?  
AG: it’s complic8ted.  
CG: FUCKING TRY ME.  
AG: Oh that is hilarious. You actually think you mean 8usiness don’t you?  
CG: PLEASE, I AM JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS GOING ON AND WHETHER OR NOT YOUR LUSUS PUT HER WEBS WHERE YOUR BRAIN USED TO BE.  
CG: FOR THE SAKE OF THE TEAM IF NOTHING ELSE.  
AG: well Kaaaaaaaarkat what is this all of a sudden?  
AG: Trying to seduce me in a sc8ndalous pale affair.  
CG: WAIT, I WASN’T…….  
CG: FUCK, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT’S LOOKING LIKE ISN’T IT?  
AG: hahahahahahahaha ooooooooh karkat, I am flattered.  
AG: I knoooooooow I am a dangerous 8a8e and how tempting it must 8e to try and pacify me.  
AG: 8elieve it or not, it’s 8een a 8it of a thing l8tely.  
AG: I am just suuuuuuuuch desira8le pale8ait.  
CG: WELL THAT SOUNDS AWFULLY FUCKING FAMILIAR.  
AG: Oh reeeeeeeeally karkat?  
AG: You mean to tell me you are actually thinking of filling one of your quadrants?  
CG: OH SHUT YOUR SPEECH HOLE. IT WAS JUST HARMLESS FLIRTING.

” _WELL, MOST OF IT WAS”._

AG: And who was the lucky troll who got to pacify you during your tantrums?  
CG: ACTUALLY, I DID MOST OF THE PACIFYING. SO WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THAT PRESUMPTIOUS MOUTH OF YOURS.  
AG: Well color me surpriiiiiiiised. Someone must 8e more of a dramaqueen then you if you are the one doing the papping.  
AG: Was it Eridan? I 8et it was Eridan.  
CG: IT IS STILL NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.  
CG: AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING SELLING YOURSELF AS PALEBAIT? LAST TIME I CHECKED YOU HAD A MOIRAIL.

_”DYSFUNCTIONAL AS THAT RELATIONSHIP MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN”_

AG: pfffffffft hop of my 8ulge Vantas. I am allowed to innocently flirt am I noooooooot?  
AG: Especially if fussyfangs keeps giving me the cold shoulder.  
CG: AND WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO STEEP SO LOW AS TO FLIRT WITH YOU?  
CG: WAS IT ERIDAN? BECAUSE I BET IT WAS ERIDAN.  
AG: As if!!!!!!!!  
AG: It was with that dorky human leader. Joooooooohn. Have you talked to him yet?  
CG: I HAVENT HAD THE DISPLEASURE YET.  
AG: They don’t do moiraillegance the way we do 8ut they sure know how to talk pale.  
AG: he actually manages to shoosh me with his kind words and I am turning him into a 8ad-ass.  
CG: OH GOD I THINK I AM GOING TO BE SICK.  
CG: THIS GOES A LITTLE BIT BEYOND INNOCENT FLIRTING DON’T YOU THINK?  
CG: THIS IS LIKE SHOVING THE GUY FACE FIRST INTO A PILE WHILE YOU PLAY ROMANTIC MUSIC, MADE EVEN WORSE BY THE FACT HIS BRAINDEAD SPECIES APPARANTLY DOESN’T EVEN DO PALE ROMANCE! YOUR OWN WORDS.  
AG: and you know what????????  
AG: if Kanaya had 8een a good moirail that would have 8othered me.  
AG: 8ut since the game she’s done nothing 8ut ignoring me.  
AG: Not even a friendly: “Good Day Vriska” since we’ve gotten on this 8loody meteor.  
AG: So right now, she can 8ite me like the shittiest trashy vampire!!!!!!!!!  
CG: …..HOLY SHIT.  
AG: sorry, that came out wrong. I’ve just 8een reeeeeeeeally stressed a8out it.  
AG: and you are the first one on this damn rock who 8ctually pretends to care a8out it.  
CG: THIS ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY DAMN SERIOUS.  
CG: DO YOU GUYS NEED AN AUSPISTICE? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE GOING PRETTY BLACK FOR HER.  
AG: no no no no no no no no, its irrit8ting 8ut I don’t think I h8 her like that at all.  
CG: REALLY? CAUSE THAT RANT THERE SAYS OTHERWISE.  
CG: AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT YOUR FLIRTATIONS WITH THAT HUMAN?  
AG: seeeeeeee karkat, this is why we don’t talk more often. You can’t even keep track of all the irons I have in the fire.  
CG: OH DON’T BULLSHITE ME.  
CG: LETS CHANGE THIS SHIT AROUND SHALL WE. LET’S SAY, HYPOTHETICALLY, THAT KANAYA IS THE ONE CHEATING.  
AG: as in, pale flirting with someone or as in completely wanting to leave me?  
CG: WELL, WHICH CATEGORY DO YOU FALL IN?  
AG: Oh fuck this, I am soooooooo done with this convers8tion.  
AG: And don’t you D8RE t8ll Kanaya a8out th8s or I’ll see h8w much gr8st I’ll get for a kn8ght!!!!!!!!  
CG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF CRUD, WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT OUT OF THIS MESS SERKET?  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MOIRAILLEGANCE WITH KANAYA? DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE FLIRTING WITH JOHN AND WHOEVER GETS YOUR PALE BULGE UP?  
AG: I don’t know!!!!!!!!! I just w8nt you to l8ave me al8ne!!!!!!!!!  
CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING BLOCK ME SERKET!  
AG: I d8n’t kn8w what I want ok?  
AG: I really c8re a8out Kanaya 8ut I also re8lly like se8ing John 8ecome a 8ad-ass and t8lking to him.  
AG: Do I really h8ve to choose? I just........ really like 8oth of them. 8esides, hum8ns don’t do qu8drants, so do th8y even count?  
AG: C8n’t I just…..find some sort of c8mpr8mise here?

There was no way Karkat was in a position to deny her that. Though their culture would demonize it and declare it taboo, there was not enough left of their culture to actually care. Kanaya was doing the exact same thing behind Vriska’s back and considered their relation all but forfeit. Perhaps something could still be salvaged from their mess.

CG: YOU SHOULD REALLY DISCUSS THIS SHIT WITH KANAYA.  
AG: well, it’s 8een foreeeeeeeever since she last talked to me.  
CG: WELL WHY DON’T YOU START THE FUCKING CONVERSATION.  
CG: GOD, FIRST SOLLUX, NOW YOU, I SWEAR IT’S LIKE HALF OUR TEAM DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO START A DECENT TALK WITH SOMEONE.  
CG: “GEESH, NICE WEATHER WE’RE HAVING.”  
CG: “WE’RE ON A METEOR DUMBASS.”  
AG: so wh8t SHOULD I do, you f8ke st8pid rom8nce expert?  
AG: “Hey Kanaya, hope you don’t mind 8ut I’ve 8een cheating on you. We cool?”  
CG: THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK BUT HOW ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU, AS MOIRAILS, HOLD A FEELINGSJAM TO SEE IF YOU CAN SORT THIS SHIT OUT.  
CG: IF YOU CAN’T THEN THAT’S THE END OF IT.  
CG: IF YOU CAN, GREAT, MOIRAILEGANCE SAVED.  
CG: I KINDA THINK KANAYA CAN FORGIVE YOUR PALE TRANSGRESSIONS WITH JOHN.  
AG: Ugh, pretty sure this counts as a pale transgression toooooooo.  
AG: I think I’ll just huuuuuuuurl myself of the meteor now.  
CG: DON’T FUCKING FLATTER YOURSELF SERKET. I WOULDN’T GET NEAR A PILE WITH YOU IF YOU PAID ME.  
AG: Good, glad we’re in agreement.  
AG: I think Kanaya is still in her 8lock…….. I really don’t want to go.  
CG: EITHER YOU GO NOW OR I’LL HAVE TO AUSPISTICE FOR YOU GUYS. SO FOR MY OWN FUCKING SAKE, GO GET THE GIRL.  
AG: Fine, god.  
AG: If she dumps me I’m coming for you understand?  
CG: STOP PROCRASTINATING SERKET.

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]—

Karkat looked through the computer lab and saw the ceruleanblooded girl stand up from her chair. She bit her lower lip and gave a quick nod to Karkat before stepping on the transportalizer.  
Karkat imideatly turned to his computer.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]—

CG: ALRIGHT THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME BUT VRISKA IS COMING YOUR WAY.  
CG: SORRY FOR SETTING YOU UP LIKE THIS.  
CG: THE UNCERTAINTY OF YOUR MOIRAILEGANCE WAS GETTING TO HER AND I STUPIDLY ADVISED HER TO AIR HER GRIEVANCES WITH YOU TO AVOID BEING YOUR FUTURE AUSPISTICE.  
GA: I  
GA: What  
GA: Karkat This Is To Sudden  
GA: I Have No Idea What To Tell Her  
CG: JUST HEAR HER OUT FOR A MOMENT.  
GA: I Am Not Certain I Am Comfortable With Your Pale Liaisons Extending To My Moirail  
GA: Oh No  
GA: She Is Here

\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

Karkat felt he could have handled that with a bit more grace but he was no troll Will Smith. He was a troll of barely 6 sweeps. Will Smith always made it look so easy. He tried to do what he could so their relation might be salvaged even if it meant forcing the issue. The two of them were not going to bring it to a close by themselves and either needed a good feelingsjam or an auspistice.

The wait was agonizing. He could only imagine what the two of them were discussing and how much of a role he had played in making things better or worse. But he waited, staring at the list of names waiting till one of them would log on again.

Untill finally one did.

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

AG: That was…..surprising.  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED?  
CG: DON’T KEEP ME WAITING SERKET, OUT WITH IT.  
AG: ok, first of all; that was incredibly shitty of you.  
AG: you jam with my moirail then start 8laming me for pail infidelity?  
CG: FUCK, SHE SAID THAT?  
AG: even w8rse you tr8ed it 8ehind my 8ack!!!!!!!!  
AG: you f8cking hyp8crite!!!!!!!!  
CG: I TOLD YOU, I WAS THE LAST WHO EXPECTED IT. I JUST WANTED SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH ME FEELING LIKE SHIT BECAUSE I WAS STARTING TO ACT LIKE A FUCKING PALE CONCUBINE.  
CG: NOT HELPED AT ALL BY THE RECENT CHAIN OF EVENTS.  
CG: AND I COULDN’T REALLY TELL YOU WITHOUT THE RISK OF YOU BLINDING ME TROUGH A NEEDLESSLY COMPLESS CHAIN OF EVENTS NOW COULD I?  
CG: SHE JUST REALLY NEEDED A MOIRAIL AT THE TIME AND YOU WEREN’T THERE AND WELL…..LIKE YOU WITH JOHN, ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER.  
AG: well she still needs a moirail. 8ut she assured me she isn’t looking for one right now.  
CG: OH…….I’M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.  
AG: we kinda agreed to……..  
AG: ……..  
AG: go on a flushed date soon.  
CG: WAIT WHAT!?  
CG: HOLD ON, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU REACH THAT CONCLUSION!?  
AG: god it still feels weird to type that……..  
AG: and we are just going to test the waters, nothing is set in stone.  
CG: YES BUT…..WHAT!?  
CG: WHEN YOU LEFT YOU WERE CLOSER TO NEEDING AN AUSPISTICE THEN BECOMING MATESPRITES.  
CG: I AM NOT COMPLAINING BUT THERE ARE SHENANIGANS AFOOT AND DAMNIT I NEED TO HEAR THEM.  
AG: she never was really pale for me. She hoped that 8y 8eing my moirail she could make me fall in love with her.  
AG: great fucking success that turned out to 8e.  
AG: I felt used and kinda 8etrayed hearing that and I aaaaaaaactually thought we would need you to auspistice.  
AG: 8ut something just clicked when she explained how flushed she used to 8e for me until I started chasing Tavros and the whole Pupa Pan incident that followed.  
CG: THE WHATNOW?  
AG: So we decided to see if that quadrant works out and if not…….well, we’ll see when we get there.  
AG: I really don’t want to lose Kanaya.  
CG: YES, BUT ARE YOU FLUSHED FOR HER?  
CG: LIKE, NO JOKE, SERIOUSLY FLUSHED FOR HER?  
CG: 3 HOURS AGO SHE WAS YOUR MOIRAIL AND NOW YOU ARE FLUSHED FOR HER?  
AG: Honestly I might 8e? A lot of our jams were a lot more…..intimate then what I think constitutes normal moiraillegance.  
CG: I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT.  
AG: Oh like you miiiiiiiind. If it makes you feel any 8etter, you can talk pale to her now without the guilt.  
CG: YES, CAUSE THAT WAS MY IMIDEATE CONCERN. THAT I GET MY PALE FIX WITH YOUR MOIRAIL/MATESPRITE.  
AG: honestly though, if this works out I miiiiiiiight owe you some thanks.  
AG: if not……..  
AG: I’d get accustomed to sleeping with my eyes open if I were you.  
AG: ;;;;)  
CG: SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

\--arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]\--

CG: YOU HAVE HORRIBLE TASTE IN WOMEN  
GA: Ah There You Are  
GA: That Was A Terrible Idea Of You  
CG: YEAH WELL YOU TWO WEREN’T GOING TO SOLVE IT YOURSELVES. WORST CASE SCENARIO YOU’D NEED AN AUSPISTICE.  
GA: Forcing The Issue Was Not The Most Elegant Solution  
GA: Then Again  
GA: It Is Very Much Like Vriska  
CG: YEAH, SERIOUSLY….YOU ARE FLUSHED FOR HER?  
GA: Well  
GA: Its Complicated  
GA: I Used To Be Horns Over Heel For Her  
GA: Until The Pupa Pan Incident  
CG: THE WHATNOW?  
GA: But I Still Might Be  
GA: And I Really Do Not Wish To Lose Vriska  
GA: As A Friend If Nothing Else  
GA: Even Despite All The Little Annoyances I Have With Her  
CG: AND YOU NEVER MENTIONED THIS EVEN ONCE TO ME?  
CG: I FEEL KINDA LEFT OUT. I WOULD HAVE USED THIS EARLIER AGAINST HER HAD YOU TOLD ME.  
GA: Karkat We Have Only Jammed Twice  
GA: Most Of It About Your Own Problems  
GA: Regardless If This Works Out For The Best  
GA: Well Perhaps I Owe You That Thing That Looked Interesting To You  
CG: WHAT? YOU MEAN FROM THAT SMUTTY FIFTY SHADES THING?  
CG: I TOLD YOU, WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING FROM THAT.  
GA: Really  
GA: Cause You Seemed Fascinated By The Bit With The Horn Rubs  
CG: I UHM…..  
CG: GOOD FUCKING LUCK ON YOUR DATE KANAYA.  
CG: I HOPE IT GOES WELL.  
GA: Much Appreciated Karkat

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whelp, can't even pretend this is canon.
> 
> I just really wanted to write that misunderstanding in the opening and use the word monosexual cause it sounded funny. As a result, I pretty much wrote myself in a corner and dealt with that as best I could.
> 
> Note to self; don't write in corners, they are cramped and uncomfy
> 
> Also the subject of cheating is difficult to tackle with any semblance of class. Might be interesting to explore further in a future work.


	7. Of pies and highbloods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Karkat first shooshed someone on a dirty kitchen floor

Karkats attempt to talk to the humans went about as miserable as he expected.

Rather than cower in fear of his godlike rage or respond with the venom he expected from a potential kismesis he bounced back all cheery and happy. More than anything he tried to become friends with him.  
 _”WHAT AN ASSHOLE”_

There weren’t many people left in the computer lab. Feferi, Eridan and Gamzee were all absent, Nepeta and Equius were no doubt having a legit feelingsjam somewhere and Kanaya and Vriska were attempting to work out their flushed feelings for each other. Karkat still couldn’t get over that pairing and how he had somehow remained ignorant of it.

Frustrated by that pairing, tired of his leaderly duties and a bit let down from his conversation with the human Karkat made his way to the nutrition block. He needed a drink. Any drink. Just something to freshen him up. There were plenty of alchemized beaverages available, most of it faygo alchemized in every flavor imaginable and some Karkat would rather not think about ( _”WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS A HORSERONI AND HOW DOES IT TASTE?”_ )

As he brought a can of soda to his mouth he heard a familiar droning voice and almost choked in his drink.”Hey….Best friend. Getting your motherfucking drink on? I am pretty sure I have some wicked exotic flavors of faygo here.”

Karkat leered from behind his can of soda. Somehow he had missed the figure of his ‘best friend’ standing over at the baking appliance. His eyes were glazed over, he had a dumb grin on his face and his hair was even messier then usual ( _”IS THAT AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF FAYGO STUCK IN THERE?”_ ). He was surrounded by empty, filthy tins and, what Karkat could only assume to be, ingredients for another pie.

”There are more efficient ways of rotting my thinkpan then drinking that swill you call a soda.” Karkat growled before taking a sip of his drink.”Banging my head against the wall, asking Sollux for help on my computer or having a conversation for any amount of time with Feferi. Every one of which is more effective and has the added benefit of me probably still having all my taste buds afterwards unless they starved of from sheer retardation!”

Gamzee blinked a few times looking at his friend before grabbing another random object from the thermal hull.”Shit bro, if you are all up in arms about being the expert on that motherfucking area I ain’t gonna tell you to stop.” He flinged a few random ingredients into a tin and opened the baking appliance. Karkat couldn’t believe his eyes; even on a fucking meteor this guy was still trying to get his fix.

”Gamzee are you still eating those fucking pies!?” Karkat got worked up enough over this to go into another rant.”Not only is it fucking disgusting you eat the slime you are supposed to sleep in, it fucking rots your thinkpan and makes you even more of an imbecile then you already are!”

Gamzee’s smile disappeared and he frowned a little as if he was trying to think of something. Then he seemed to forget all about it as his lazy smile returned.”Shit lil bro, I ain’t on the slime no more. We don’t have any left so I’m trying to find a proper ingredient to take its place but my pies just aint the fucking same.”

Karkat threw his hands up almost spilling his drink.”No more slime!? Fucking perfect! I know I forbade everyone to go to sleep but this is ridiculous! Can you imagine the bluebloods waking up from nightterrors!? Shit, Equius will punch the whole fucking meteor out of orbit, assuming Vriska didn’t massacre half the meteor with her godtier powers!”

Gamzee shrugged.”Shit bro, I know. We both want the motherfucking slime but our supply ran out. Maybe we can have our bipolar bro hook us up with some sweet fucking alchemy miracles. We can have our sweet motherfucking sleep on and I can bake another delicious pie” He chuckled and gave a loud HONK. Karkat’s left eye twitched in sheer annoyance.

”What kind of pies are you even baking without spoor?” Karkat groaned. “Do I dare ask?”

Gamzee’s smile lit up like a wrigglers on twelfth pedigrees eve.”Well damn bro, I’m tossing all sorts of ingredients in. Seeing what works you know? I don’t dare touch the motherfucking mindhoney but I threw in faygo, the dragonsister’s chalk….Tried putting in one of them adorable cuttlefishes the gillsister holds somewhere but she started threatening me with her culling fork the moment I looked at them.” Karkat tried to glance into the baking appliance to view the abomination Gamzee tries to pass as a pie. Somehow he trusted the current product even less then the slime pies his friend tried to share throughout the game.”Want a slice bro?”

”I think I’ll take my chances with starving to death.”

Gamzee shrugged.”Sure thing my brother from another lusus.” The smell of the pie began to fill the nutritionblock and Gamzee looked entranced at the baking appliance before remembering Karkat was still standing there.”Anyway, what have you been up to bro?” he asked, his voice a little sharper then it was before.”I’ve only seen you pacing around and getting worked up over all kinds of shit since we’ve gotten here.”

”Well yeah, there you have it.” Karkat sighed, leaning against the wall and taking another sip of his drink.”Someone has to fill the ‘pacing around quota’. I’ve been trying to keep everyone in check, making sure everyone is well acclimated to this goddamn meteor.”( _AND PROBABLY MORE THEN THAT, BUT HE DOESN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT._ ) I’ve also attempted to contact the humans but man, did that take a toll on my thinkpan. I think I grew dumber just listening to them.

Gamzee’s eyes looked a lot less absent and seemed to keep a much closer look on Karkat then before. Normally he wouldn’t have understood half of what he just said but somehow Karkat was sure Gamzee understood everything just now.”I hear you best friend.” He answered.”I had a motherfucking conversation with the red-texted human but all he did was attempt to get my shrill bearded LIVESTOCK by spouting MOTHERFUCKING BLASPHEMY.” Karkat jumped back spilling his drink over his shirt. He didn’t expect such an outburst from Gamzee of all people.

”Gamzee are you o—“ The baking appliance started beeping and Gamzee started chuckling like a moron again. He pulled the pie out of the baking appliance and took in the scent before cutting them into neat slices. It looked disgusting and Karkat was pretty sure Gamzee used chalk to make it so colorful. Terezi would probably be the only one who would find that stuff edible.

”Sure you don’t want any?” He asked while shoving the first slice in his mouth.

”Positive.”

”Alright then bro. More motherfucking pie for me.” Gamzee laughed and started eating the pie at a frightening pace. Karkat actually wanted to turn back to the computer lab and leave him to his devices. As he set a foot on the transportalizer however the sound of a pie tin being smashed into the wall got his attention.  
As he turned around he saw that Gamzee had smashed half the pie against the wall leaving a multicolored stain.

Karkat watched confused at his friend. He often forgot Gamzee could be almost as strong as Equius; If there would have been another room behind that wall, chances were the occupants just got a face full of chalk pie. Gamzee was panting but didn’t face Karkat, who had no idea how to read the situation.

”Gamzee are you alright?” Karkat asked with a nervous chuckle.”What the fuck did that wall ever do to you?”

Gamzee took a deep breath and sighed.”I’m fine motherfucker. It’s just this FUCKING PIE NOT DOING ITS MOTHERFUCKING JOB.” He tried to step away from the scene of the pie massacre but found his fist buried into the wall along with the pie tin. Letting out a loud roar that startled Karkat he pulled it out again leaving a hole in the wall where his fist used to be.

”And what job were those pies supposed to do then?” Karkat asked, a little nervous about his friends behavior.”They are pies, they don’t do much.” Gamzee just pointed at his temple.

”It keeps me……mellowed out. It keeps me MOTHERFUCKING CALM.” Gamzee chuckled.”I tried fixing myself other pies but they just won’t FUCKING CUT IT. IN MOTHERFUCKING FACT; they are kinda making the wicked noises worse…..Perhaps .”

Gamzee started whistling a merry tune as he started working on another cake. Karkat looked concerned at his friend. This had never happened before; as long as he knew Gamzee he had been a ‘relaxed dope-ass motherfucker’. Aside from the fight with the Black King, Karkat had never seen his friend get angry before and this was a rude wake up call. He often forgot Gamzee was a highblood and more prone to rage.

”Gamzee…..” Karkat started carefully.”How long have you been eaten these pies?”

”Long as I can remember bro” Gamzee laughed while shaking a bottle with faygo.”I mean, I heard that shit IS MOTHERFUCKING BAD AND ROTS YOUR THINKPAN but…..I dunno bro. That shit just mellows me out so motherfucking good.” He opened the bottle and looked amused as the faygo sprayed all over the cooking platform while he attempted to get it into the mix for his pie.

”And the noises?” Karkat asked, slowly taking a step towards his friend. He could hear Gamzee mumbling about the miracles of carbonated drinks and pie.

”Usually just random screams of RAGE AND VIOLENCE I FUCKING SUPPOSE. Sometimes voices.” Gamzee said with a shrug. He turned to his friend and smiled, baring his fangs.”E’rybody deals with those MOTHERFUCKING VOICES RIGHT?” he violently shoved the second pie into the baking appliance. If Karkat squinted he could actually see him shaking a little.

Karkat bit his lower lip.”Look….I didn’t know you were hooked so bad on the stuff.” He started. Watching Gamzee like this was almost like watching a complete stranger.”I can probably ask Sollux to figure out the proper code for sopor slime. You know, slowly tackle this shit rather than go cold turkey overnight.”

”Well shit bro, that would be TRULY WICKED KIND OF YOU.” Gamzee said as if unaware of the incredible inflection in his voice.”But perhaps its fucking better if you don’t. EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH SHARPER NOW.” He looked at his hand and started waving it around, observing it as if he just realized he had it.”You know bro, I’ve been thinking. I’VE BEEN THINKING SINCE MY HEAD IS SO CLEAR NOW.”

Karkat swallowed and boldly did a step forward. He wasn’t going to show his own friend was creeping him out.”Well ‘bro’, what have you been thinking about?” he asked a lot more boldly then he felt.

Gamzee frowned in concentration for a moment before his lips curled in a smirk.”Aside from those filthy seadwellers I HAVE THE HIGHEST FUCKING BLOOD AROUND HERE. Well, hehe, I probably do anyway.” He poked the symbol on Karkats shirt mockingly.”That means it is my right, MY DIVINE FUCKING RIGHT as well as my obligation, BESTOWED UPON ME BY THE MIRTHFULL FUCKING MESSIAHS to cull all the gutterbloods and seadwelling trash.”

Karkat’s eyes narrowed. This was going to be a serious problem.”On Alternia, yes.” He said carefully picking his words.”Here that shit won’t fly though.” Karkat’s fingers twitched. He was ready to draw his sickles if his friend went completely of the deep end. He didn’t want to have to fight Gamzee; he wasn’t even sure he would win.( _“IN FACT, THE ONE WITH THE BEST CHANCE AGAINST HIM IS VRISKA AND GOD KNOWS WHERE SHE IS RIGHT NOW!”_ )

Gamzee started laughing. The changing tones of his voice made it sound distorted and kind of terrifying.”I want to see the colors bro. I WANT TO MOTHERFUCKING PAINT THE WALLS.” The baking appliance made another ‘ping’ sound and before Karkat could blink Gamzee had taken the pie out and flash stepped behind him.

”I’m sure Terezi will let you borrow her chalk if you need to let your inner artist out.” Karkat growled. He could not keep proper track of Gamzee’s movements and he was sure most of his friends wouldn’t be able to either. If Gamzee was really going batshit insane his best bet would be to calm him down. For the safety of himself, Gamzee and everyone on the meteor. It was a little exciting and all sorts of terrifying that this might be his first shooshing.

He wondered if it was normal to be pushed in a corner like this for your first time.

”Aaah the dragonsister.” Gamzee bowed his head to look Karkat square in the eye.”WOULD YOU BE MAD IF I STARTED WITH HER!?” Karkat hardly had the time to register Gamzee shoving the pie into his face.”That is a good fucking look for you bro. WHY HAVE NO COLOR WHEN YOU CAN BATH YOURSELF IN ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING COLORS!?” Gamzee leaned against the counter and began laughing like a lunatic.

Karkat wobbled on his legs from the force of the pie and whipped his face clean. His shirt was ruined and his dignity was somehow even less then it was before coming to the nutrition block but he was still alive. Gamzee still hadn’t resorted to murder.”I think….” He started.”I think you won’t cull anyone today Gamzee. In fact, I am going to ask Sollux to alchemize some more slime.” Karkat uncaptchalogued his crabtop and opened Trollian. Never before was he so glad that Sollux was always online.”We’ll get you off the slime eventually Gamzee, I promise. But you are not ready to go cold turkey if you star---“ He was cut off.

The club of his friend smashed his crabtop and by extension the table into little pieces. Bits and pieces flew in all directions, a shard of the display grazing his cheek. The weapon was hovering threateningly in front of his face. “Now listen closely bro……” Gamzee started.”LISTEN THE MOTHERFUCK UP. HONK. I am going to murder every fucker on this meteor. EVERY FUCKER EXCEPT YOU. I WANT YOU TO WATCH and to despair. I will teach you your FUCKING PLACE IF YOU THINK A GUTTERBLOOD LIKE YOURSELF CAN BE LEADER OF ANYTHING.”

Karkat’s hand shot up and touched Gamzee’s cheek. It was now or never.

He carefully stroked his cheek and shooshed.”It’s alright Gamzee.” He whispered. Gamzee promptly froze in place.

He gently papped his highblooded friend who seemed to be completely off-guard.”You don’t have to murder anyone.”

He slowly reached up and rubbed Gamzee’s long horns, eliciting a sigh from him.”It’ll be alright.”

Karkat could not believe he was doing this. It was one of the most cliché pale fantasies and yet here he was; comforting, shooshing and papping a murderous highblood to protect his friends. And despite it being his first time doing the shooshing Gamzee didn’t seem as tense and aggressive anymore. He seemed to give in to Karkat’s shoosh paps. He seemed to shiver a little and lean into Karkat’s touch. A voice in the back of Karkat’s head reminded him of how he was basically living a pale porno right now but he silenced it to concentrate on his friend. He never would have thought Gamzee needed a moirail to keep him in line so badly.

The two of them sat in silence for a while, Karkat calmly stroking his friend and rubbing his horns. He had been on the receiving end twice now so he had a vague idea of how it was supposed to go. Gamzee seemed to enjoy it so he couldn’t be doing a bad job.

”Are you okay Gamzee?” he asked, finally breaking the silence.

”I…..I fucking think so bro.” Gamzee said in a light whimper.

”Do you want me to ask Sollux for sopor?” Karkat was concerned for his friend but realized that staying sober after being on the slime for so long could be dangerous for everyone involved. He couldn’t stay glued to Gamzee forever, he would have to help him to slowly overcome his addiction. He was dangerously close to actually commiting and keeping Gamzee as a moirail but it would feel as if he was taking advantage of him. It may actually have the potential to develop in a healthy, stable moiraillegance on day.

”Just a bit……..” Gamzee said, his voice shaking a little.”Just to mellow out a bit….I don’t want to motherfucking murder you or our friends bro.”

”It’s ok.” Karkat shooshed.”We’ll help you trough it.”

”Can you just motherfucking stay like this? Just a bit longer?” Gamzee looked up with a hideous but innocent smile on his face

 

Karkat sighed and nodded.”As long as you need me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Gamzee is difficult to keep interesting. Pretty sure this story has been done to death by gamkat shippers.
> 
> Probably should have let them rap at some point. Hindsight 20/20


	8. Seadweller blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat and Eridan discuss the pale quadrant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will let my beta read over it later to pick up the inevitable errors.

TA: well 2hiit. That wa2 random.  
AA: what happened  
TA: kk contacted me liike, an hour ago but the a22hole broke hiis computer.  
TA: he me22aged me ju2t now to 2ay that he need2 the code for 2opor2liime a2ap.  
TA: apparently gz ate iit all.  
AA: yes that was a thing that was supp0sed t0 happened  
TA: 2o glad to hear everythiing ii2 iin agreement wiith the alpha tiimeliine.  
TA: that wa2 2arcasm btw, ii’m not 2ure how much of that you regii2ter a2 a robot.  
AA: because r0b0ts are c0mpletely incapable 0f expressing sarcasm  
TA: hehe niice.  
TA: ii don’t 2uppo2e you have the code for 2opor lyiing around?  
AA: n0  
TA: ugh, and ii haven’t 2een ff in hour2 2o ii can’t really a2k her to check iit out.  
TA: you’d thiink gz would be the one wiith the code for 2opor tattooed iin hii2 arm or 2omethiing 2o he could alway2 remember.  
TA: fuckiing clown2.  
AA: tavr0s has the c0de  
TA: what really?  
TA: what doe2 he need 2opor for?  
AA: he d0esn’t fit in a recuperac00n  
AA: he w0uld fill a bathing apparatus 0n his planet with slime if he needed a rest  
TA: you……..you haven’t been watchiing hiim have you?  
AA: i have  
AA: just n0t in the way y0u’re thinking 0f  
TA: thank fuck for that.  
TA: ii’ll 2ee iif tv know2 anythiing.

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]\--

TA: 2up tv, you bu2y?  
AT: uHM, nOT REALLY.  
AT: tHE ONLY THING i’VE BEEN DOING, tHAT IS WORTH NOTING, iS RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS WITH RENEWED CONFIDENCE,  
TA: 2hiit really?  
TA: werent the 2taiirs liike, your greatest neme2ii2?  
AT: uHM, kEYWORD BEING WERE. ,  
AT: i UHM, fIGURED OUT WHAT i WAS DOING WRONG ALL THIS TIME  
AT: wITH SOME HELP,  
AT: aND CAN NOW CLIMB STAIRS, uSUALLY WITHOUT TRIPPING ONCE,  
AT: i AM STILL WORKING ON IT,  
TA: eh, iit2 progre22  
AT: iT SURE IS }:)  
AT: aNYWAY, wHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH?  
TA: accordiing to aa you have the code for 2opor layiing around 2omewhere?  
AT: oH YOU’RE UHM, tALKING TO aRADIA?  
TA: yeah……iit wa2 really 2hiitty of me to pretty much iignore her 2iince we arriived in the game.  
TA: but 2omeone ju2t kept naggiing at me to ju2t talk to her agaiin and here we are.  
TA: be2t buddiies forever.  
AT: oH UHM, jUST BUDDIES?  
AT: i ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE MORE BEFORE UHM,,,,  
AT: wAUW, lOOK AT THAT, i’LL STOP TALKING NOW,  
TA: ii2 ok. and we’re progre22ing 2lowly. not entiirely 2ure how to make 2tuff liike that work wiith a robot anyway.  
AT: sAY UHM,,,,,,wAS SHE VERY MAD ABOUT WELL, yOU NOT TALKING TO HER FOR SO LONG?  
TA: not really, 2he wa2 pretty cool and we patched thiing2 up iin no tiime.  
TA: 2he 2eem2 to be pretty relaxed wiith beiing a robot  
AT: hMMM MAYBE SINCE, i AM BEING SO CONFIDENT AS OF LATE, i SHOULD UHM,,,,tRY TO PATCH THINGS UP WITH HER AS WELL,  
AT: iF i AM NOT INTRUDING ON ANYTHING HERE,  
TA: eh, a2 long a2 you don’t try anythiing funny  
AT: bUT WHAT IF, uHM, sHE IS BEING THE FUNNY ONE?  
TA: fuck, ii don’t know. Knock your2elf out ii gue22.  
TA: you got the code for 2opor or what?  
AT: i’M LOOKING FOR IT, i’M SURE I GOT IT SOMEWHERE,  
AT: wHAT DO YOU NEED SLIME FOR ANYWAY?  
TA: accordiing to kk, gz ate iit all.  
TA: so he wanted to have 2ome more alchemiized to avoiid people fliippiing theiir 2hiit iin niightterror2.  
AT: oH YEAH, i UHM, kINDA OWE kARKAT FOR HELPING ME CLIMB THE STAIRS AND ALL, sO i WILL DEFINITELY GIVE YOU THE CODE ONCE i FOUND IT.  
TA: kk helped you cliimb the 2taiir2?  
TA: That 2ound2 hiilariiou2, what happened?  
AT: hE UHM, tHOUGHT i WAS BEING A DISGRACE TO THE TEAM,,,,,aND MYSELF,  
AT: sO HE MADE ME CLIMB THE STAIRS OVER AND OVER TILL HE FOUND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG,  
AT: tURNS OUT THESE GIANT HORNS ARE NOT JUST AN UHM, cHICKMAGNET, tHEY MAKE KEEPING MY BALANCE A BIT, dIFFICULT,  
TA: huh…..kk ii2 beiing awfully helpful lately.  
AT: wHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
TA: well, he kiinda wa2 the one that kept buggiing me about talkiing to aa already.  
TA: come to thiink of iit; he mentiioned talkiing to her a2 well before that.  
AT: hOW NICE OF HIM,  
TA: yeah, ii gue22…….  
AT: aNYWAY, THE CODE YOU NEED IS; iaPoCtbaPC  
TA: alriight, thank2 tv.

\--twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT]\--

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apacolypsArisen [AA]\--

TA: riight, ii’m back  
TA: got the code for 2opor and everythiing.  
TA: tv want2 to get iin touch wiith you agaiin so watch out for that.  
AA: thats 0k. i supp0se we have been ign0ring each 0ther f0r l0ng en0ugh.  
TA: 2ay, biit of a per2onal que2tiion perhap2 but have you been talkiing to kk lately?  
AA: we had a c0nversati0n a few h0urs ag0  
AA: we will have an0ther 0ne in appr0ximately 7 h0urs  
TA: what diid you talk about?  
AA: things  
TA: wauw, that ii2 ea2iily the mo2t eva2iive an2wer ii’ve heard all day  
AA: he thanked me f0r keeping 0ur timeline safe and f0r my quick interfering when Jack attacked us  
TA: yeah that 2eem2 alriight  
AA: and because i kn0w this is where y0u are headed  
AA: yes we had a pale m0ment  
TA: ugh 2eriiou2ly, what ii2 up wiith that guy lately.  
TA: fiir2t he iis all thankful to you, then he need2 me to calm hii2 a22 becau2e he fucked up 2omethiing fiierce.  
TA: after whiich he make2 me fiind the ball2 to talk to you.  
TA: then he help2 tv get over hii2 fear of 2taiirs.  
TA: iit’s liike he’2 flauntiing how fuckiing de2iirable he ii2, iin the conciiliiatory 2en2e.  
AA: that s0unds an awful l0t like y0u are pale f0r him y0urself  
TA: what!? no!  
AA: n0t even a little?  
TA: well……fiine, maybe a little.  
TA: ii dont thiink we’d work a2 moiiraiil2 though. ii’d probably vaporiize hiim halfway through our first feeliing2jam.  
TA: bla2t the eviidence iinto 2pace, iit’ll be the perfect criime  
AA: you’re such a r0mantic  
TA: ii try.  
TA: but doe2n’t iit pii22 you off a liittle that he act2 all pale for you and then goe2 off to fliirt wiith me?  
AA: hmm……..  
AA: n0t really n0  
TA: not even a liittle?  
AA: i already knew what was g0ing t0 happen  
AA: h0nestly i am quite pleased with what it is leading t0wards  
TA: ii know ii am goiing to regret a2kiing, but what2 goiing to happen?  
AA: that w0uld be sp0iling  
TA: of cour2e iit fuckiing would be.  
AA: d0nt w0rry t00 much ab0ut it  
AA: eventually it will w0rk 0ut f0r the best  
TA: fiine, fiine  
TA: kk can act liike a pale whore all he want2, 2ee iif ii care.  
AA: y0u s0und s0 very b0thered by it  
TA: iit2 ju2t a biit weird to fiind out your platoniic be2t/wor2t friiend i2 doiing thii2, for gog know2 what rea2on.  
AA: he d0es it 0ut 0f his desire t0 help and sees it as his 0bligati0n as leader  
TA: bull2hiit.  
AA: just give it a day s0llux  
AA: it will all bec0me clear in time  
TA: agaiin wiith the vague cryptiic tiime2henaniigan2.  
AA: trust me 0n this  
TA: fiine, ii’ll re2erve my judgment for a biit.  
TA: ii ju2t want to know what all the2e pale 2henaniigan2 of hii2 are leadiing toward2…..

Karkat was meandered through the dark hallways of the meteor. His hair was a mess and his shirt was covered in pie and soda. His thoughts were still occupied with what happened with Gamzee. 

It was never really his intent for things to go as far as they did. He always thought his first time shooshing someone would be in a really intimate setting, preferably a pile. Instead he calmed down his higblood friend on the grimy floor of the nutritionblock. In the grand scheme of things it meant so very little. Gamzee would probably still need his help but Karkat was pretty sure they were not going to end up as moirails. All in all, it almost made him feel like it was a mistake…. Like he just gave up his first time to a meaningless fling and that he should regret it….

If it hadn’t been so incredibly hot. Calming a highblood on the verge of a culling spree is quite a common fantasy among trolls and one Karkat had thought about quite often. Gamzee, for a brief moment, was as dangerous as a angry cholarbear during mating season and he was the one that snapped him out of it. It was empowering, it was hot as fuck and it was feeding his fear that he was really going overboard with his pale advances.

He wanted to contact Kanaya about it the moment she got back from her disgusting flushed date with Vriska (“ _SERIOUSLY, HOW IS THAT A THING?_ ”) but felt kinda bad about continuously coming to her with his bullshit, especially now that she had her own shit to sort out with Vriska.

” _PERHAPS IT’S SIMPLY FOR THE BEST TO GO BACK TO MY RESPITEBLOCK AND SEE WHAT’S UP WITH THESE HUMANS ALREADY_.” He thought to himself. He saw his transportalizer up ahead and absentmindedly took his shirt off. The pie and faygo had made him all sticky and he intended to freshen up in the comfort and privacy of his own block.

”Oh hey kar…..lookin good.”

If only he had a moment of privacy on this goddamn rock. Karkat turned around to see Eridan standing on the transportalizer to his block. He could almost feel the seadwellers eyes wander over his body.

”Goddamnit Eridan, what the fuck do you want?” Karkat growled, feeling far less threatening then he would like to be. He held his filthy shirt in front of him to cover up his bare chest.

” Wwoah, calm dowwn. Just payin a guy a compliment.” Eridan said quickly, raising his hands defensively.”Just wwanted to ask wwhat you’vve been doin. I havven’t seen you around this desolate fucking asteroid.”

” Well, I haven’t seen you around much either.” Karkat huffed, not feeling in the mood to mention what he has been up too (“ _AND WITH GOOD REASON_ ”).”You áre aware pretty much everyone meets up in the computerlab right? Where the fuck have you been?”

Eridan shrugged.”Been in my room. Mopin a bit, trying to chat wwith those human broads.”

”Huh, are they as interesting as everyone seems to think they are?”

”Not at all. Bitch bleww up my computer.”

” Yeah I thought as much.”Eridan shrugged and sighed. Karkat took it as the ending of the conversation and transportalized to his respiteblock in a flash. It was the same organized mess as he left behind; books on ~ATH next to the smouldering remains of his husktop, a pile of messy clothes in the corner of his room and an abandoned recuperacoon, now low on slime .(“ _NOT LIKE I WAS GETTING ANY FUCKING SLEEP TO BEGIN WITH_ ”). He threw his filthy shirt on the pile and started to look for one that was not covered in soda and baking experiments. The flash of light coming from the transportalizer however told him he was not going to get his desired privacy anytime soon.

”Not bad, not bad…” Eridan mumbled, looking trough the room, carefully observing the plethora of movie posters starring Will Smith.”Lowwblood chic I take it? Vvery popular among green hues before….wwell, you knoww, it became obsolete. 

”Eridan, what the fuck are you doing in my block?” Karkat growled while putting on relatively clean shirt. He had to control every fiber in his body not strangle the seadweller with his own goofy scarf until he promised to stop using that stupid accent of his.

” Wwoww, rude much.” Eridan answered, rolling his eyes. He adjusted his scarf and sat down behind Karkat’s desk.”I just came ovver to chat you knoww. Share some of the juicy gossip I got my hands on, see wwhat you think about it.”

” Well maybe I am not in the fucking mood for gossip!” Karkat growled.”Maybe I just want to crawl away behind my husktop for the rest of the day.”

”Yeah, speakin a wwhich….” Eridan said pointing to the smoldering remains of what was once a functional husktop.”You also talked too Ros didn’t you?”

” Not the fucking point! You couldn’t miss the point more if you fired in the wrong fucking direction and the point was on a different planet altogether!”

” Come on Kar.” Eridan said. He sounded more than a little desperate to share the news.”I promise it wwill be good.”

Karkat sighed and grabbed a surprisingly comfortable chair and sat down in a backwards position.(“ _JUICY GOSSIP. MY FUCKING ACHILLES HEEL._ ”)”Alright Eridan; let’s hear it. What have you dug up that is important enough for you to break into my block.”

”Alright, picture this….” Eridan began to wildly animated it with his arms.”A young maiden falls in lovve wwith an extremely dangerous troll. She wwants to get closer to this troll but she gets dragged in a moirallegiance to curb her destructive urges. The maiden gets dragged into a moirallegiance wwith the troll she’s flushed for and after swweeps of pinin after her she finally confesses her red feelings”. He actually finished the story smiling satisfied waiting for Karkat’s reaction.

”So is this a romcom you want to watch or is there a fucking point?” Karkat asked, slightly irritated. Yeah, it was an okay story but surely there was a point to this if it got Eridan of all people this excited.

”Wwhat? No!” Eridan looked in disbelief.”Though I wwould not object to a movvie later…….No, but Kan finally told Vvris about her red feelins.”

”…..Oh.” was all Karkat could say. He still felt a bit guilty for how that date came to be and he still did not understand how that couple could even _be_

”Yeah, I had them pretty much pegged from the beginnin.” Eridan said smugly stroking a hand trough his hair.

”In hindsight, yeah it was pretty obvious.” Karkat growled recalling all the instances where Kanaya had been just a bit too red to be pale.”I just kinda…..fucking overlooked it I guess.”

”Huh, I thought you wwould havve seen it comin.” Eridan pondered.”I came across them in the corridor…..Vvris wwas doing some raunchy stuff, let me tell you--”

”I REALLY DON’T NEED THE MENTAL IMAGE OF THOSE TWO DOING A HORIZONTAL SHUFFLE IN THE FUCKING CORRIDOR!” Karkat interrupted.

Eridan shrugged nonchalantly.”Fine, fine. Not like I could see much. Vvris came after me tossin dice at my head and I swwear Kan looked like she wwould saww me in half if I hung around any longer. So I wwanted to flee to my block and came across you……shirtless.” He chuckled.”It’s been a wweird day.”

”Tell me about it…..” Karkat groaned.

”I’m just really happy for Kan you knoww?” Eridan sighed.”Least one of us escaped the fuckin moirailzone.” He looked over to Karkat who had a pained expression trying to figure out what he meant.”You knoww, the wwhole bein moirails thing?” 

”Yeah I got that but why is that an issue?” Karkat asked, genuinely confused.”And why is there a special zone named after it?”

”Actually I just made that up myself. Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?”

”The Point!!??

”Wwell, the pale quadrant IS pretty wworthless don’t you think?” Eridan stated. His expression became a lot more serious. “it’s just needless busywwork wwith people wwho tell you to not do the shit you wwanna do. Honestly, I am so DONE wwith that fuckin quadrant.”

Karkat blinked in surprise.”Dude, moirallegiance is arguably the most important fucking quadrant and you’re claiming you don’t need it?” he threw his hands up in disbelief.”That’s like saying you are fucking perfect and can handle all the shit that’s coming your way by yourself.”

”Please Kar, I’vve been in a moirallegiance for fuckin swweeps. I knoww wwhat I’m talking about.” Eridan said very matter-of-factly. “The wwhole quadrant is mostly used to try and get into someone’s red quadrant anywway…..or to place people you don’t wwant in that quadrant. Just look at Kan and Vvris, or……Fef and me.”

”Those are horrible examples and you fucking know it.” Karkat growled.”You can’t fucking invalidate a whole quadrant because of your own sorry experience. A good moirail is important to have damnit.” Eridan just shook his head.

”A good matespritship and a proper kismessitude should be all a mature troll needs but it puts me in a bit of a situation here.” Eridan said with a pondering expression.”I mean, Sol wwould be a good kismesis but other than Fef, I just don’t see any potential matesprits.”

”Oh my god…” Karkat said pinching the bridge of his nose.”You’re invalidating the ashen quadrant now too? You are seriously going there?” He took a deep breath and sighed.”I don’t even think you are really black for Sollux.” Eridan tried to protest so he quickly continued.”Other then the whole thing with Feferi, name three things you hate about him! Cause I think the thing the two of you need is a decent auspistice!”

Eridan crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.”That’s easy as fuck, no wway I am settling for ashen wwith him. He’s an annoying pissblood, doesn’t knoww his place, speaks wwith the most infuriating lisp, thinks he’s better then evveryone half of the time and is so depressed the other half of the time I just wwant to kick him till he learns to man up.” Karkat looked genuinely surprised at the sincere hatred Eridan had for Sollux. He had assumed Eridan’s black feelings were misplaced and that he was really ashen for the yellowblooded troll.

”So no auspistice needed?” 

”For the lovve of fuck, no. That could ruin this perfectly healthy blackrom”

Karkat shrugged.”Ok, so you don’t need an auspistice for this situation. I still think you are fucking insane for THINKING you don’t need a moirail.” Eridan looked at him with disapproval.

”Please Kar, only people wwho can’t look after themselvves need a moirail. Next thing you wwanna tell me a fucking troll like Ar, Gam or Tav needs a moirail.” He said with some disdain.”Most of us don’t need to be pacified like wwe’re fucking wwrigglers.

”No.” Karkat said in a surprisingly calm manner. He recalled what he did to help the exact trolls Eridan mentioned. “But even they need help sometimes. Someone to advice them or help them out when they are in over their heads…..Maybe just someone to pay a listening ear when no one else will.”

”A listenin ear wwould be nice…” Eridan pondered.”Aside from you hardly anyone givves me the time a day. Uhm…. Does this mean—“

”No Eridan, we are not moirails.”

”Eh, I thought as much.” He sighed and adjusted his glasses.”Still, that’s an awwfully broad definition of moirails…..Does that mean this is flirtin or somethin?”

”Yeah it’s……been a bit of a thing lately.” Karkat admitted with an exhausted expression on his face.

Eridan wasn’t sure how to react on it and seemed lost in thought for a moment. The two of them sat in silence for a while until Eridan decided to break the silence. ”You want to talk about it?”

”I’d rather not.

”You just said howw evveryone needs someone to listen.” Eridan argued.”and It’ll be just betwween us.”

”This is going to be as stupid as your cape is.”

”Then I think I can deal wwith it.”

Karkat sighed. He looked at the ceiling, began talking and told Eridan everything; about how he systematically and unintentionally had made pale advances to the majority of their team, the deal he struck with Kanaya, the confusion he felt after helping Terezi, the mess he made with Vriska, how he may have saved them helping Gamzee and how incredibly guilty he felt because of it all. Eridan listened carefully and didn’t interrupt or interject during the story.

”And that’s wwhy you wwanted to return to your block…” Eridan finished.”Wwell, I can honestly say I did not expect to hear that.”

”I know….” Karkat growled hiding his face in his hands.”I’m fucking horrible.”

Eridan turned to Karkat and tilted his head a bit.”Wwell, it doesn’t sounded like anyone minded your meddling. Matter a fact, it sounds like you helped some a them out wwith stuff that kind of bothered them, evven if you did it in a roundabout wway.”

”But it isn’t right!” Karkat cried.”Here I am slowly turning into a pale whore out of some inane desire to help every idiot I come across. I should just let natural selection take its course and have every moron on this rock retard him or herself into extinction, preferably beginning with myself. But I fucking won’t let that happen now will I? Because for some reason I seem to get off on helping these idiots.”

Eridan just shrugged it off.”Calm down a bit Kar. No one really seems to mind. If Kan and Vvris continued their…..rendezvvous wwithout further interruptions I bet they’re evven grateful to you.” 

Karkat took a few deep breaths and sighed.”What am I supposed to do with this shit now Eridan?”

”Continue it because you’re doin good work?” Eridan suggested.”Really, it sounds as if you’re tryin to turn helping evveryone into a bad thing and then blamin it on yourself.”

”It really seems like I am the only one turning this into a big deal doesn’t it?” Karkat snickered a little.”God past me is an idiot.”

”Eh, you’re gettin better.” 

Karkat sighed.”Thanks Eridan, I needed that…..Just….Sorry for dragging you into a moment with me as well.” 

Eridan shrugged.”Anytime Kar. This wwas so much more interesting then the bile Fef wwould usually come up wwith. She wwas alwways going on about howw she lost one of her cuttlefish or howw hard it wwas for her to kill enough lusii. Honestly, it wwas a pain to keep listening to.

Karkat slammed his hand against his face. He could not believe how completely blind Eridan seemed to the pale quadrant.”You know Eridan…” He started.”You would make a fine moirail if you could just stop acting so carelessly about the whole quadrant.”

Eridan grinned and his fins twitched a bit as he turned to his friend.”I wwas just helping a friend wwho seemed a bit dowwn. Besides, I still think the pale quadrant is a load. I havve no interest in findin myself a moirail.”

Karkat’s jaw almost hit the floor

”Eridan……You are a whole new level of stupid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read a character analysis of Eridan a while back. He is scum in canon but for some reason never seems to be mean to Karkat, so they have a small semi-bro thing going on. The one thing that really stood out to me and that is the fact that he seems to have a complete disregard for the pale quadrant. Hence this chapter.


	9. Of Witches and Knights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat has a moment with the only single troll he hasn't had a moment with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I had to be careful not to use any ideas for a possible fef<3kat story. Still, was really fun to write once I knew what to do with it. enjoy.

It wasn’t long until the gossip had grown stale and Eridan let himself out. He tried to get some more information surrounding the situation with Vriska and Kanaya, but Karkat could not be bothered touching upon thát subject again.

He was ready to kick back and perhaps try to figure out where exactly he went wrong in his last attempt to code a virus ( _“NOTE TO SELF; PERFORM NEXT TEST RUN WITH A LESS AGONIZING AUDIOFILE.”_ ). Karkat didn’t even have the energy to act surprised when his programming was interrupted yet again, this time by flashing yellow text demanding his attention.

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

TA: kk, you there?  
CG: DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT IF I AM?  
CG: CAUSE IF SO, I’LL BE ANYWHERE BUT HERE.  
TA: 2top beiing 2uch a baby you diip2hiit.  
TA: ii ju2t wanted two know iif you’ve 2een ff around.  
CG: OH YES. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST LOST TRACK OF HER. ALONG WITH THE MANY FUCKS I HAD.  
CG: NOW I HAVE NONE LEFT TO GIVE SHOULD A BIPOLAR DOUCHE COME BY TO ASK ME IF I’VE SEEN HIS GIRLFRIEND.  
TA: not even remotely funny kk. 2 out of 10.  
TA: have you 2een her or not?  
CG: NO, I HAVEN’T SEEN HER.  
TA: 2hiit  
CG: HOW DO YOU LOSE TRACK OF A TROLL? ESPECIALLY A TROLL LIKE HER?  
CG: NORMALLY YOU CAN HEAR HER FUCKING GIGGLES AND GOD-AWFUL FISHPUNS FROM ACROSS THE METEOR.  
TA: well iit ju2t 2o happen2 ii havent heard a fii2hpun in hour2.  
TA: ii ju2t wonder where 2he went.  
CG: I HATE TO ASK BUT DID SOMETHING HAPPEN BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU?  
TA: no  
CG: WELL, WHEN DID SHE DISAPPEAR?  
TA: fuck, ii don’t know. ii wa2 ju2t chattiing wiith aa and 2uddenly 2he’s gone.  
CG: AH…..  
CG: I AM GOING TO BE THAT GUY AGAIN…. IS FEFERI THE JEALOUS TYPE?  
TA: what?  
TA: no, not at all. iin fact 2he 2eem2 very…..liiberal regardiing the quadrant2.  
CG: WELL PERHAPS YOU SHOULD TALK WITH FEFERI ANYWAY, TO MAKE CLEAR WHERE YOU STAND WITH ARADIA.  
TA: there ii2 nothiing to talk about.  
TA: and dont even 2tart thii2 2hiit again.  
CG: WHAT?  
TA: ugh, nothiing. ii dont even know why ii a2ked you of all people.  
CG: THEN WHY THE FUCK BOTHER?  
TA: accordiing to aa you were fiinally actiing liike a leader and dii2coveriing the true meaniing of friiend2hiip or whatever.  
TA: 2o liike a iignorant iidiiot ii thought you miight be any help iin finding ff.  
TA: thii2 mu2t be what iit feel2 liike two hate your pa2t 2elf.  
CG: BACK UP HERE. SHE WAS ACTUALLY CONSIDERING ME A GOOD LEADER?  
CG: I MEAN, OF COURSE SHE WOULD, BUT LIKE….SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT?  
TA: eh 2omethiing liike that? Wa2n’t payiing attentiion.  
CG: DAMNIT SOLLUX.  
TA: poiint ii2, you are pretty much the wor2t per2on for thii2.  
CG: OH NO, WE ARE NOT DOING THIS.  
CG: YOU DO NOT CONTACT ME TO ASK FOR HELP, THEN BACK OUT BECAUSE YOU THINK I AM UNQUALIFIED.  
CG: I AM GOING TO HELP YOU FIND HER, EVEN IF ITS JUST TO SPITE YOU FOR DOUBTING MY AMAZING QUALITIES AS A LEADER.  
TA: ii apreciiate iit.  
TA: actually, no ii don’t. ii really am not fuckiing ok wiith iit.  
TA: ii don’t want two rii2k you makiing any pale advances toward2 my potentiial moiiraiil here.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IMPLYING HERE CAPTOR!?  
TA: plea2e kk, how fuckiing 2tupiid do you thiink ii am?  
CG: DO YOU WANT THE HONEST ANSWER ON THAT QUESTION OR SHALL I SPARE YOUR FEELINGS?  
CG: LET’S GO WITH THE HONEST OPTION; I THINK YOU ARE A SPECK OF UNWASHED NOOKCHEESE.  
CG: ARE YOU PALE FOR HER?  
TA: ii miight be. ii don’t 2ee how iit2 any of your bu2iine22.  
TA: look, ii diidn’t really miind you makiing me get over my2elf 2o ii would talk two aa agaiin.  
TA: that worked out great, and ii don’t hold iit agaiin2t you.  
TA: and ii kiinda get you beiing apreciiatiive of aa iin a pale way, becau2e let2 be hone2t, 2he ii2 hot 2hiit.  
TA: but tv? really?  
CG: IS THAT WHAT THIS SHIT IS ABOUT?  
CG: YOU THINK I AM SHAMELESSLY PALE-FLIRTING WITH EVERYONE?  
TA: well you’ve been actiing awfully pale wiith three troll2 iin the pa2t few hour2.  
TA: ii2 iit that much of a 2tretch two a22ume iit wiill happen agaiin wiith a troll ii miight very well want iin my own quadrant?  
TA: no iit ii2n’t.  
TA: 2o thank2 for nothiing but ii really don’t need you or any pale 2henaniigan2 for thii2.  
TA: ii’ll just a2k np or 2omethiing.  
TA: iif ii embera22 my2elf for 2 miinute2 and pretend iit2 part of an elaborate roleplay 2he’ll probably find ff iin no tiime.  
CG: OH NO, WE ARE NOT FUCKING DOING THIS.  
CG: YOU ARE NOT DITCHING ME FOR NEPETA JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK I CANNOT KEEP MY PALE BULGE IN MY PANTS.  
TA: kk that 2ound2 dii2gu2tiing.  
CG: I DON’T CARE.  
CG: SCREW YOU FOR THINKING I AM SOME SORT OF UNCONTROLLABLE PALE HURRICANE THAT DRAGS EVERYONE IN HIS PATH WITH HIM.  
TA: diid you get that off the back of one of your romcom2?  
CG: SCREW TAVROS FOR BEING SUCH A DOORMAT.  
CG: SCREW THE GAME FOR ALL THE OBVIOUS REASONS.  
CG: AND SCREW VRISKA AND KANAYA FOR GIVING ME MENTAL IMAGES I REALLY DIDN’T WANT RIGHT NOW.  
TA: what wa2 that la2t part?  
CG: I’LL FIND FEFERI AND GUESS WHAT?  
CG: WE’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A PALE FUCKING MOMENT.  
CG: SHE’LL JUST BE LIKE; “I NEEDED A FUCKING BREAK FROM THAT BIPOLAR DOUCHE”  
CG:”BLUB BLUB BLUB”  
TA: ii can’t beliieve you diidn’t even get the glub2 riight.  
CG: FUCK YOU.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA]--

Karkat closed his husktop and sat back. His hands were balled into fists and he could feel a angry blush creeping up that he almost subconsciously started to suppress. He was angry at Sollux for not trusting him, but his anger wasn’t aimed exclusively at his worst best friend. He was angry at himself for not seeing this coming ( _“OF COURSE THOSE ASSHOLES WERE GONNA TALK AMONGST THEMSELVES. THEY ARE NOT ALL ANTI-SOCIAL DOUCHEBAGS, GOG WHAT WAS I THINKING!?_ ”).

He didn’t even know why he decided to wander the dark, featureless hallways of the meteor. It helped him put his mind at ease and it stopped him from thinking about the possible fallout if people discovered he was pale for the almost the entire group. He could not deny however, that a small part of him hoped he could actually find Feferi before Sollux did, just to piss him off. He could almost picture the look on his face.

And as if some unseen god finally smiled upon him, he heard what was unmistakably splashing water, echoing from down the stairs.

Karkat descended into the darkness and noticed a very strange smell. He imagined it would be what a mediculler’s office would smell like. The air was filled with a chemical scent that made Karkat a little uneasy as he descended further. Terezi no doubt would have been able to pick every reagent apart and describe their effects on the troll body. For the time being, Karkat just hoped the effects were nothing lethal. The splashing became louder and he swore he heard a high-pitched giggle this time. ( _“SUCK IT SOLLUX.”_ )

Nearing the final steps of the stairs he almost lost his balance realizing he had stepped into lukewarm shallow water. The chamber was incredibly dimly lit, but even in the almost spooky green light he saw what was without a doubt the silhouette of Feferi moving in his direction, splashing and giggling all the way.

”Hey Crabcatch!” she laughed. Before Karkat knew what the hell was going on she grabbed him by his sleeves and dragged him further into the water. It was an annoyance more than anything, as the water only reached to his middle.”I didn’t reel-lize you wanted to swim as well.” 

”SWIMMING? THAT’S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?” Karkat sputtered, trying to free himself from Feferi’s grasp. He could only see the reflection in her eyes and on her razor like teeth in the darkness. “And for gogs sake put a light on will you!?”

Feferi chuckled and sank into the water, swimming trough the shallow water.”I did not expect to sea you here Crabsnack.” She said in a bubbly manner.”So the place is still a bit mes-sea.”

”Kinda noticed that from the fucking water.” He growled and shielded his eyes as the lights came on. He blinked a few seconds to adjust to the new lighting. The room looked like a crime scène. The murky water had a faint laurel green color, the test tubes that stood on opposite ends of the room were smashed open. The malformed bodies of the chesspeople were piled up in the corner. Finally Karkat noticed there were deep scratches all over the walls; three lines parallel from each other every time. 

Feferi was just standing there, all smiles and looking at Karkat expectantly.”So uhm…..You did all this?” he stammered. He was getting nervous….Why was he getting nervous?

The empress-to-be clapped in her hands excitedly.”YEEES” she said.”There are no opper-tuna-ties to swim around here and I just had to change that.” She pointed at the broken test tubes.”It was amazing how much water was in those things. Enough to fill a pool! The smell is a bit fishy but I kinda like it.” She giggled at her own pun. Karkat was just fixated at the pile of dead chesspeople.

”And what about them?” he asked, feeling sick just looking at the way their malformed bodies twisted and turned.

”Oh they were dead already.” Feferi shrugged.”It’s not as if they needed the water.” She dropped down on her back and slowly paddled around him.”And what brings you down here?”.

( _“I JUST NEEDED TO FIND YOU SO I COULD SHOVE IT IN SOLLUX’S FACE”_ )

”Sollux was looking for you.” Karkat growled, a bit annoyed with how Feferi kept swimming circles around him.”So like a fucking asshole he enlists me to help him and like an even sorrier asshole, I agreed to.”

Feferi chuckled and splashed water in his face.”Stop being such a grumpy fish and tell Sollux to come down here if he wants to see me.”

”Of course.” Karkat said, dramatically tossing his hands in the air.”The empress is safe, I repeat, the empress is safe. We can call of the search teams, the empress just needed a bath. ” As he waded towards the stairs ( _“TO RETURN TO MY BLOCK AND CHANGE INTO SOMETHING CLEAN YET AGAIN”_ ) he felt a nagging little doubt in the back of his mind.

”Can I ask……” Karkat started carefully, “what exactly is going on between you and Sollux?” Karkat knew he was not going to get a straight answer out of his bipolar friend, but Feferi seemed a lot more honest about these things. She looked away and blushed a shade of royal purple when he finished asking the question. Karkat fully expected her not to answer at all and took the first step of the stairs.

”Whale……We aren’t anything yet…” Feferi started hesitantly.”Not…. of-fish-ially I mean…. I am shore there is something though! I can feel it in my water!”

Karkat sat down on the stairs and observed the heiress. She wasn’t shying away from his gaze but had a fierce blush on her face. She was nervously playing with her hands but her posture was confident.”Alright.” Karkat started.”I’ll take the bait.” Feferi snickered (“bait….”).”Red or pale? I am not really seeing you in something darker, so correct me if I’m wrong….Which I am not.”

”I am not shore what Sollux wants….” Feferi said. She sank down in the water and floated on her back.”But I am definitely pale for him…..I am so pale for him Crabsnack.” She sighed blissfully. “I just want to hold him during one of his tantrums, take of his goofy glasses, look him in the eyes and tell him;”shoosh you silly guppy. It’ll all be ok.” Karkat, romantic as he is, could appreciate the sentiment, but could not help but notice three very angry lines in the wall next to him.

”And these?” he asked, following the pattern with his finger.”Are these the signs that Sollux Captor is inadequate moirail material?”

”NO!” Feferi cried before correcting herself.”No, no he seems like a great moirail to me…..He’s just a bit…..”

”Stupid? Douchey? A pain-in-the-ass? A globefondler? A nookscratcher? I can go on all day.” Feferi almost doubled over laughing. Karkat never took her for the type to find his choise of words funny. 

”No no no, he’s none of those things.” Feferi assured him.”Well, he is a bit douchey…..” she giggled.”But he was busy talking to Aradia for the first time since such a long time……I didn’t want to disturb him.”

”You got jealous.” Karkat assumed.

”No, not at all.” Feferi said with a sly smirk.”I cannot clam to be the relation-ship expert but I know a flushed reelation when I sea one.” She stood up and walked towards Karkat and sat down next to him.”And you…..Do you get jealous?”

”What!? No!” Karkat sputtered in protest, trying to push her away. She just laughed him off.

”It’s okay Crabcake, I understand.” She said with a almost suggestive wink. (“WOULDN’T THAT BE A WONK?”)”You’ve been his friend for so long it’s only natural you feel a bit pale for him yourself.”

”OKAY.” Karkat started, preparing for a rant. “THERE IS NOTHING THAT----“

Before realizing what was happening Karkat saw a flash from the corner of his eye and got knocked down the stairs, landing face first in the water. He got up as soon as he realized which side was up again and spat out a mouthful of the nasty chemical water.”WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.”

He looked up the stairs and saw Sollux standing next to Feferi. The yellowblood looked pretty pissed off.”What the fuck did I thay kk!? You couldn’t even keep your greathy fingerth of my moirail!” He fired another optic blast towards Karkat who quickly rolled out of the way.

”WE WEREN’T HAVING A PALE MOMENT YOU DIPSHIT!” Karkat shouted, uncaptchalogueing his scythe. (“ _WAIT…..DID THAT COUNT AS A PALE MOMENT? IT FUCKING DID, DIDN’T IT? DAMNIT!_ ) 

Sollux fired another optic blast and Karkat grabbed the opportunity; He quickly rolled to the side and dashed towards the psychic. Sollux did not seem impressed and simply used his psychic abilities to fling Karkat across the room like a ragdoll. Karkat was thankful the water at least broke the fall a bit.

Karkat made another dash for his friend, nimbly avoiding the optic blasts Sollux send his way and Karkat could feel his psychic abilities get a hold over his body again…..But fefore Sollux could fire another shot however, something unexpected happened.

Feferi was tenderly stroking Sollux’s cheek and made a low shooshing sound. Almost instantly Sollux seemed to relax and he sank down to sit next to her on the stairs. Karkat stared in awe at how quick the highblood had his friend pacified. He attempted to quietly walk past them before the situation could get any more awkward.

Until Feferi grabbed him by his collar and pulled him down to sit as well.”Now…..” she started. “We are going to talk this over like RESPONSEABLE adults.”With one hand she started rubbing Sollux’s back and with the other she carefully started stroking Karkat’s horns ( _“ALWAYS MY FUCKING HORNS….”_ ). He could not believe what was happening and apparently, neither could Sollux.

”FF, thith really ithn’t how an authpithtice works.” Sollux groaned.”And I have better thith to do then wathte my athen quadrant on him.”

”AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE WHO DOES THE MEDIATING WHEN I GET MY ASHEN QUADRANT FILLED.” Karkat attempted to shout. Somehow it didn’t come out half as loud as he had hoped, and was instead on a barely audible tone. Feferi was working miracles rubbing his horns like that. He would swear he even heard Sollux sigh blissfully.

”Oh but buoys…..” She said on an almost sultry tone.”This isn’t an ashen intervention. I don’t have any dark intentions with the two of you.” Karkat wanted to protest but then she started to play with his hair and scratch his crown and it just felt too damn good to move.”Sollux….I am undeniably pale for you, and I want what is best for you. Karkat has been your best friend for sweeps, so of course he is a little pale for you.” Karkat wanted to protest, but got pre-emptivly shooshed.

”Doethn’t make him leth of an athhole…” Sollux said, making a failed attempt to still sound mad.

”Sollux be nice.” Feferi said, without a trace of anger in her voice.”You are just as pale for him as he for you. I know the way you talk about him.”

”Wait, what does he say about me?” Karkat asked, suddenly very interested.

”FF don’t!”

”How he just wishes you would stop being so angry all the time.” Feferi said in an incredibly soothing voice, instantly making the both of them feel at ease.”How he’s afraid you will never find a good moirail if you keep fighting yourself so much and how much that worries him. For the longest time he was actually convinced the two of you would become moirails, and he actually hated how the two of you could never properly discuss your feelings because of the anger issues both of you are dealing with.”

”…..That latht part ith true.” Sollux sighed.

”That’s why I’m here guppy.” Feferi smiled and turned to Karkat.”And how do you feel about Sollux…..and me?”

”And you?” Karkat sputtered.

”I’m curious.” Feferi shrugged.

”Holy thith ff, are we actually doing thith?” Sollux asked in disbelief.

Karkat sighed, knowing this was going to be painful.”I just…..wish Sollux would get over himself.” He started.”I want him to realize he actually is quite a stand-up guy….An awesome guy even…On occasion. I could always come to him with stupid problems and drama, and even though I had to endure his sass, he was always there when I needed him most. I know the two of us would never work as moirails, we’re simply not compatible, but sometimes I just want to punch him right out of one of his moods and hug him until it gets better.”

Sollux remained surprisingly quiet, much to Karkat’s shock. There wasn’t any sass, which defied all his expectations. He looked at the heiress sitting between them, who looked back expectantly.”As for you well……” he hesitated. What about her made him so nervous? “I haven’t really talked enough to you throughout the game to really get to know you…… And I admit, I am kind of regretting that now. You just diffused a conflict that was building between me and Sollux all day in mere seconds, and dragged us into this…..crime against quadrants… That takes some serious talent. Honestly, I’d be okay with you taking over Alternia now.”

Feferi and Sollux actually chuckled.”Sea?” Feferi said sweetly.”This isn’t so bad, is it?” She massaged the base of Sollux horns and gave Karkat a kiss on his foreheads. Both boys were putty in her hands, but neither of them really felt the urge to change that.

”And what about you ff?” Sollux asked.”How do you feel about me? And kk, I guetth.”

”She just told you numbnuts.” Karkat growled. Feferi squeezed his horns a bit.”She really is fucking pale for you.”

”Yeth but….” Sollux stammered.”Really? Me?”

”Yes you.” Feferi giggled.”And I’ll tell you how pale I am for you over and over again until you will beg me to stop.

”Truly a fate worthe then death.” Sollux sighed.

”As for crabcake….” She smiled at her leader. Karkat just gulped, expecting the worst.”I think he is a better leader then he gives himself credit for. Probably a better troll then he gives himself credit for too. I don’t think anyone could have led us trough the game with so few of us dying.

”He got me killed.”

”How often will you have me apologize for that!?” Feferi shooshed both of them again.

”That and I believe he is actually quite a softy.” She giggled, poking his side.”Underneath that crabby and shouty shell he is actually a decent person.” Karkat looked at her and carefully and gently stroked one of her horns ( _“MIGHT AS WELL RETURN THE FAVOR…”_ ). Her reaction was a relaxed sigh, so he assumed he was doing something right.

”So Sollux….” Feferi started.”I think you should go first…..How have you been feeling since we got on this meteor?”

Karkat could not believe what was happening, how it came to this and how Feferi could possibly be okay with it. But it was definitely happening; he was having a pale threesome with his worst best friend and his moirail. He should be appalled by the very idea, but it felt too good to let such idle thoughts bother him. This was a thing that was actually happening.

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

TA: kk  
TA: ju2t 2o we’re on the 2ame page here……  
TA: no one mu2t ever know….ever.  
CG: OF COURSE YOU HAD TO SAY IT TWICE.  
CG: AND AS IF I WANT ANYONE TO KNOW THAT THERE ACTUALLY WAS A……THING BETWEEN ME AND YOU.  
TA: what ever happened to fiindiing me an awe2ome guy?  
CG: I ALSO RECALL MENTIONING WANTING TO PUNCH YOU IN YOUR STUPID FUCKING FACE.  
TA: and then huggiing me to make iit alriight.  
CG: VERY TEMPTED TO OPEN A MEMO RIGHT NOW. IF I AM TO GO DOWN THEN AT LEAST I’LL GO DOWN TAKING YOU WITH ME.  
TA: fiine, fiine droppiing iit.  
CG: RIGHT…..  
TA: riight……..  
CG: SO YEAH……  
TA: hmmhm…..  
CG: ………..  
TA: …………  
TA: iit wa2 good ok?  
TA: ii diidn’t know you’d be 2o decent iin a feeliing2jam.  
CG: IT’S…..KINDA BEEN A THING. LIKE YOU DISCOVERED.  
TA: 2hiit, ii can 2ee why.  
TA: ff kiinda want2 to know iif you’d be up for a thiing liike that more often.  
TA: ii mean, ii get that iit2 kiinda unfaiir two you, but a2 long a2 you don’t have a moiiraiil and…  
TA: 2hiit, 2oundiing liike fuckiing tv over here.  
CG: WELL……FUCK.  
TA: you 2ee where ii am goiing riight?  
CG: YEAH BUT…..FUCK.  
CG: I MEAN…..DO YOU WANT ME THERE TOO? I DON’T WANT TO INTRUDE ON YOU AND FEFERI REALLY.  
TA: iit2 cool.  
TA: we’re 2tiill gonna jam wiithout you…….but 2he’s already to22iing out iidea2 about 2ettiing the two of us up 2o we have two do iit wiithout her.  
TA: and well…..2he al2o iintends two solo-jam wiith you. A2 long a2 ii am ok wiith iit.  
CG: AND ARE YOU OKAY WITH IT?  
TA: 2urprii2iingly ye2……  
TA: ii don’t even get what ii2 goiing on anymore.  
CG: YEAH, WELCOME TO MY WORLD.  
CG: LIKE I SAID, IT HAS KINDA BEEN A THING LATELY.  
TA: fuck. Thii2 ii2 gonna end wiith all of us together iin one big fluffy piile ii2n’t iit?  
TA: the twelve of us all huddled together, huggiing, horn-rubbiing and dii2cu22iing our feeliing2.  
CG: YOU KNOW…..YESTERDAY I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU A SLEAZEBALL AND AN ABOMINATION AGAINST THE PALE QUADRANT FOR BRINGING UP THAT MENTAL IMAGE.  
CG: TODAY, I AM TOTALLY COOL WITH THAT CONCLUSION.  
CG:THE MIRTHFULL MESSIAHS DECLARED THAT THERE WOULD BE CUDDLES, AND THERE WERE. ALL IS GOOD, AND KARKAT HAS TO KILL HIMSELF FOR ACKNOWLEDGING THE MIRTHFULL MESSIAHS IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM.  
TA: 2o……we cool?  
CG: DEFINITELY.  
TA: ……ah fuck iit.  
TA:  
CG: ……YEAH, KNOW WHAT? YOU’RE RIGHT.  
CG:  
CG: NOW GO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR MOIRAIL.  
TA: 2he’s readiing along a2 ii type…..  
TA: 2he’s ec2tatiic you agreed to do thii2 more often.  
TA: aaaand 2he readiied a piile.  
CG: GO GET HER MORON.  
TA: yeah ii wiill.  
TA: 2ee you later a22hole. 

\--twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah.....Almost everything that could go wrong for this one went wrong. Homework, Work, Skyrim, working on my terrible homestuck fancomic I am never gonna upload here and the actual loss of a half-finished document containing the story kept delaying this chapter. I expect to finish the final chapter and the bonus chapter a lot sooner.......but no promises.


	10. Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything comes together and Karkat learns to apreciate himself

\--PAST apacolypsArisen [PAA] began trolling CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] 30 MINUTES AGO--

PAA: karkat  
CCG: AGAIN WITH THE CHRONOLOGICALLY CONFUSING TROLLING.  
CCG: IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT WE JUST KEEP OUR CONVERSATIONS LINEAR?  
PAA: this message fr0m the past is 0f great imp0rtance  
CCG: OH RIGHT. THE WHOLE TIMETRAVELING THING.  
CCG: YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW THIS SHIT IS GOING TO GET DOWN, SO JUST TELL ME HOW LONG I AM SUPPOSED TO BITCH ABOUT IT.  
PAA: actually i d0 n0t kn0w h0w this c0nv0 is supp0sed t0 g0  
PAA: just that we’re supp0sed t0 have it  
CCG: ……..WHAT!?  
PAA: i have n0t l00ked tr0ugh the supp0sed r0ute this c0nv0 w0uld take  
PAA: t0 av0id further ann0yance  
CCG: WELL….SHIT, THANKS I GUESS?  
CCG: ANYWAY, WHAT’S YOUR DEAL?   
CCG: YOU ENDED THE PREVIOUS CONVERSATION RATHER FUCKING ABRUPTLY WITH JUST THE VAGUE HINT THAT WE WOULD TALK AGAIN SOON.  
CCG: AND APPARANTLY SOON IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW SO HIT ME.  
PAA: 40 minutes fr0m y0ur current p0int in the timeline jack will destr0y derse  
CCG: OH…..  
CCG: WELL SHIT, IT’S THE PROSPIT MASSACRE ALL OVER AGAIN.  
CCG: THIS TIME IT HAPPENS TO ERIDAN AND EQUIUS THOUGH, WHICH MAKES IT SLIGHTLY MORE TOLERABLE.  
CCG: IS THERE A POINT TO THIS?  
PAA: yes  
PAA: my r0b0t exteri0r will expl0de  
PAA: my dreamself currently laying 0n her questcrypt will ascend  
PAA: jack will f0ll0w me if i attempt t0 return here  
CCG: ……..PARADOX SPACE JUST LOVES TO FUCK WITH US DOESN’T IT?  
CCG: SO TELL ME, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?  
PAA: …..  
CCG: WE ALL DIE HORRIBLY, GET STABBED, MAIMED AND BLOWN UP BY THIS GODLIKE MONSTROSITY, BREATHING OUR LAST BREATH, UNMOURNED AND UNLOVED?  
PAA: i am n0t certain what happens  
CCG: YOU KNOW, YOU PICK A HORRIBLY SHITTY TIME TO NOT READ THE TEMPORAL SPOILERS.  
PAA: my data 0nly g0es as far as my ascensi0n  
CCG: FUCK.  
CCG: THEN WHAT DO WE DO?  
PAA: that is up t0 y0u  
CCG: WHAT!?  
PAA: y0u are 0ur leader f0r a reas0n karkat  
PAA: y0u need t0 make the call  
CCG: YOU PICK AN AWFUL FUCKING TIME TO HAVE FAITH IN MY ABILITIES AS A LEADER YOU KNOW THAT?  
PAA: y0u were always meant t0 be 0ur leader f0r this very m0ment  
CCG: FUCK…….  
CCG: WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS.  
PAA: i guide Jack here 0r i d0 n0t return  
PAA: these are currently the 0nly 0pti0ns i am aware 0f  
CCG: NOT EXACTLY DRAWING A WINNING TICKET THERE ARADIA.  
CCG: WHAT ARE OUR CHANCES IF YOU GUIDE JACK BACK HERE?  
PAA: unkn0wn  
PAA: we w0uld have tw0 g0dtiers at that p0int  
PAA: but there is n0 guarantee this is en0ugh  
CCG: RIGHT…..AND HOW LONG CAN YOU FLOAT AROUND PARADOX SPACE?  
CCG: WITHOUT DRAWING THAT PLANETBUSTING ASSHOLE HERE I MEAN.  
PAA: c0nsidering i will be g0dtier  
PAA: until i die her0ic 0r just  
CCG: HMMM…….  
PAA: what are y0u thinking 0f karkat?  
CCG: WELL THE SAFE OPTIONS IS TO SAY OUR FAREWELLS HERE AND HOPE THAT YOU CAN GUIDE JACK AWAY AS FAR AS PARADOX SPACE ALLOWS.  
CCG: ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST SHOT WE’LL EVER GET TO OFF THE BASTARD.  
CCG: THAT AND I RATHER NOT BANISH PEOPLE WHO ARE ONLY SOMEWHAT ANNOYING. NOW IF IT HAD BEEN EQUIUS IN YOUR POSITION……  
PAA: i appreciate the sentiment but i see merit in 0pting f0r the safe r0ute  
CCG: UGH, MY FUCKING THINKPAN IS KILLING ME WITH THIS.  
CCG: GOING FOR THE SAFE ROUTE MEANS LIVING THE REST OF OUR LIVES IN FEAR BECAUSE JACK MAY FIND US, EITHER TEN SECONDS FROM NOW OR TEN SWEEPS….MAYBE HE WONT FIND US TILL WE ARE OLD AND DECREPIT.  
CCG: SO PRETTY MUCH THE CURRENT SITUATION, MINUS YOU.  
CCG: BUT AT LEAST WE ARE GUARANTEED TO LIVE A BIT LONGER YOU KNOW?   
CCG: FIGHTING HIM WOULD RISK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ON THIS ROCK. SUCCES WOULD MEAN WE CAN ACTUALLY FOCUS OUR EFFORTS ON FINDING A WAY OUT OR AT LEAST BUILDING A LIFE.  
CCG: ON THE OTHER HAND, IF WE FAIL……  
CCG: YEAH, I’D RATHER NOT THINK ABOUT THAT.  
CCG: THIS IS A DIFFICULT FUCKING CHOISE, HELP ME OUT HERE.  
PAA: me  
CCG: YEAH YOU. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?  
PAA: i d0n’t fear death  
PAA: i w0uld fight  
PAA: but  
PAA:  
CCG: YES?  
PAA: i supp0se this is parad0x space’s unique sense 0f hum0r  
PAA: i finally feel s0mething 0ther then rage 0r lust  
PAA: and i d0n’t want it  
CCG: WELL, WHAT DO YOU FEEL?  
PAA: [this c0mment is deleted]  
PAA: fear  
CCG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T FEAR DEATH?  
PAA: i d0n’t  
PAA: it is n0t my death I fear  
CCG: I SEE……  
PAA: 11 minutes left  
PAA: please make a decisi0n  
CCG: FUCK FUCK FUCK. OK, LET ME THINK.  
CCG: SETTING UP THE TRANSPORTALIZERS TO TELEPORT US TO ANOTHER ASTEROID WHILE JACK BLOWS UP THIS ONE? WE’D FAKE OUR DEATH AND HE’D LOSE INTEREST.  
CCG: NO WAIT, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GUARANTEE THAT THE OTHER ASTEROIDS HAVE THE TOOLS WE NEED TO SURVIVE, LIKE THIS ONE.  
CCG: WAIT, I GOT IT. I’LL SEND VRISKA OUT TO MEET YOU AND JACK SO IT’S 2 GODTIERS AGAINST JACK.  
CCG: BUT THEN THIS IS VRISKA….. SHE’S TOO MUCH OF A LOOSE CANNON. I CANNOT TRUST HER WITHOUT MY DIRECT SUPERVISION, ESPECIALLY GIVEN YOUR HISTORY TOGETHER. NO OFFENSE.  
FAA: n0ne taken  
FAA: 9 minutes   
CCG: CAN WE SET A TRAP?   
CCG: CATCH HIM OFF-GUARD, CREATE AN OPENING FOR A FEW SECONDS……SOMETHING LIKE THAT.  
PAA: p0ssibly  
PAA: he is n0t 0mniscient s0 it might w0rk  
PAA: i can lead him t0 the 0bservati0n deck  
CCG: HMM NO, THAT ISN’T GOING TO WORK. HE’LL SEE US BEFORE WE CAN SPRING A TRAP AND IT GIVES HIM TO MUCH SPACE TO TELEPORT AROUND.  
PAA: i see  
CCG: WHAT IF YOU LURE HIM INTO THE METEOR?  
PAA: w0nt he just bl0w everything up?  
CCG: HE PREFERS STABBING ACTUALLY. I THINK HE LIKES TO MAKE HIS KILLS PERSONAL.  
CCG: ESPECIALLY IF YOU KEEP TAUNTING HIM….OR WHAT HE THINKS CONSTITUTES AS TAUNTING.  
CCG: I AM PRETTY SURE HE CONSIDERS BEING ALIVE AN OFFENSE THAT CAN ONLY BE RECTIFIED BY A THOROUGH STABBING.  
PAA: i supp0se i can lure him int0 the mete0r  
PAA: but that is still incredibly danger0us  
PAA: what are d0 y0u intend t0 d0 when he is there  
CCG: WE’RE MAKING A KILLZONE.   
CCG: YOU NEED TO GET HIM TO THE COMPUTERLAB AND WE’LL HIT HIM WITH EVERYTHING WE’VE GOT BEFORE HE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK.  
PAA: will it be en0ugh  
CCG: I……REALLY DO NOT KNOW.  
CCG: WE BOUGHT EVERY SINGLE INNOCUOUS FRAYMOTIF IN THE GAME. WE HAVE ONE LIVING GOD OF LUCK AMONG US, YOU’LL TURN INTO A GOD OF TIME…..I DON’T THINK WE CÁN GET MUCH STRONGER THEN WE ARE.  
PAA: alright  
PAA: i need t0 hug s0llux bef0re i expl0de  
PAA: please prepare f0r 0ur arrival  
PAA: i  
PAA: i d0 n0t kn0w h0w t0 say this  
PAA: [this c0mment is deleted]  
PAA: [this c0mment is deleted]  
PAA: [this c0mment is deleted]  
PAA: g00d luck karkat  
PAA: y0u have appr0ximately 0ne h0ur

\--PAST apacolypsArisen [AA] ceased trolling CURRENT carcinoGeneticist[CCG]\--

 _“WELL FUCK. LET’S GET EVERYONE IN ON THE ACTION._ ” He mumbled, his mouse already hovering on one of the memo’s he created. But he stopped. As he was about to open the memo he hesitated.  
Was he really going to open another memo wherein he would need to fend off his past and future selves? Was he really going to let himself get ridiculed and ignored for the umpteenth time? He just gained some long overdue respect from most of his team and inviting his other selves would no doubt ruin that. _”THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE…”_ He grumbled while looking at his list of contacts.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]\--

CG: NITRAM, ARE YOU THERE?   
AT: uHM, HERE, cONFIDENT AND REPORTING FOR DUTY, kARKAT,  
CG: GOOD. JUST…..JUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE WELL SEATED FOR THE BOMB I AM ABOUT TO DROP.   
AT: oH, aRE YOU ABOUT TO DROP SOME SICK FIRES?  
AT: cAUSE i AM NO STRANGER TO THOSE, sICK FIRES,  
AT: i AM READY WHEN YOU ARE,  
CG: GOOD.   
CG: ARADIA IS GOING GODTIER, JACK IS COMING THIS WAY, WE NEED TO PREPARE.   
AT: wOAH WHAT,  
AT: tHOSE UHM, tHOSE ARE DEFINITELY NOT THE SICK FIRES i WAS EXPECTING,  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT!?   
AT: uHM, sICK BEATS? iLL RHYMES?  
CG: FUCK THAT NOISE.   
AT: oH MAN, wHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?  
CG: WE FIGHT HIM.   
AT: ,,,,,,,eEP,  
CG: WHAT?   
AT: nO UHM, mY CHAIR SQUEAKED,  
AT: bUT WE CAN’T FIGHT jACK, hE IS LIKE, uHM, rEALLY SCARY,  
AT: aND STABBY,  
AT: aND HE ALREADY KILLED MY DREAMSELF,  
CG: MINUTES FROM NOW HE’LL HAVE KILLED EVERYONE’S DREAMSELF.   
AT: oH MAN,  
CG: WE’RE NOT GOING IN WITHOUT A FUCKING PLAN LIKE YOUNG WOOLBEASTS TO THE SLAUGHTER.   
AT: iS IT AN, uHM, gOOD PLAN?  
CG: IT’S A PLAN.   
CG: WE MEET UP IN THE COMPUTERLAB.   
AT: i UHM, dON’T THINK WE SHOULD MEET HIM HEAD-ON,  
CG: WE’RE NOT, WE’RE GOING FOR A SURPRISE ATTACK.   
AT: tHAT’S ONLY A LITTLE BETTER.  
AT: cAN’T WE NOT UHM, aVOID FIGHTING HIM? pOSSIBLY FOREVER?  
CG: WE CAN’T AVOID THIS FIGHT FOREVER. SOONER OR LATER HE WILL FIND US BY RANDOMLY BLOWING UP EVERY ASTEROID IN PARADOX SPACE. I RATHER MEET HIM ON MY OWN TERMS.   
CG: SO STAND STRAIGHT SOLDIER. CHEST FORWARD, BACK STRAIGHT, CHIN UP.   
AT: i,,,,oK?  
CG: NOW TELL ME, CAN YOU OR CAN YOU NOT FUCKING WALK DOWN THE STAIRS NOW?   
AT: i UHM, tOTALLY MASTERED THE STAIRS,  
CG: THEN WALK THE FUCK DOWN, AND GET YOUR ASS TO THE COMPUTER LAB SO WE CAN PREPARE!   
AT: i UHM, aLRIGHT,,,,  
AT: sO UHM, tHIS IS IT?  
AT: tHE FINAL BATTLE i MEAN?  
CG: SURE AS FUCK LOOKS LIKE IT.   
AT: oH WAUW,  
AT: tHAT IS INCREDIBLY SCARY AND TERRIFYING,  
CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT.   
AT: aRE YOU SURE i UHM, sHOULDN’T, YOU KNOW, sTAY BACK?  
AT: i REALLY DON’T WANT TO GET IN YOUR WAY,,,,oR vRISKA’S,,,,, oR eQUIUS’,  
CG: TAVROS, YOU ARE COMING DOWN TO THE COMPUTERLAB THIS INSTANT AND YOU ARE GOING TO HELP US FIGHT JACK NOIR.   
CG: IT’S OK TO BE SCARED AND SHIT BUT REALLY, WE’LL NEED ALL FUCKING HANDS ON DECK FOR THIS ONE, LIKE WE’RE THE BAND PLAYING IN TROLL TITANIC.   
CG: AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.   
AT: i’VE NEVER SEEN THAT MOVIE, bUT THAT SOUNDS FAIR,  
AT: i UHM,,,,,,oK THEN, i THINK I WILL SEE YOU THERE IN A BIT,  
At: tHANKS kARKAT,  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK FOR?   
AT: yOU UHM, tRY TO HELP MY SELF-ESTEEM, aND i APRECIATE THAT. nO ONE BUT vRISKA EVER DOES THAT AND i DON’T THINK SHE IS VERY GOOD AT IT,  
AT: i UHM, aM CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO ADMIT THAT, wITHOUT YOU, i PROBABLY STILL WOULD BE CRAWLING ON THE STAIRS, mAYBE, sO THANK YOU,  
AT: eVEN THOUGH i AM SO SCARED RIGHT NOW i AM ALMOST CRYING,  
AT: i THOUGHT THAT IF WE GOING TO DIE, i SHOULD AT LEAST,,,,,wELL, THANK YOU, yOU’RE A GOOD LEADER, nO MATTER WHAT vRISKA SAYS,  
CG: YEAH…..  
CG: IT’S OK TO BE SCARED NITRAM. FUCK, I WON’T EVEN LIE. I AM SCARED SHITLESS.   
CG: NOTHING COULD FUCKING PREPARE US FOR THE ONCOMING FIGHT, BUT I FLAT-OUT REFUSE TO JUST ACCEPT IT AND TAKE IT LIKE A BLACKROM CONCUBINE.   
CG: WE WORKED TOO LONG AND TOO HARD TO GIVE UP NOW.   
CG: SO I AM RALLYING EVERYONE AND WE ARE GOING TO SHOW JACK WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DRIVE THE REMAINDER OF THE TROLL RACE INTO A CORNER.   
AT: hEHE YEAH,,,,  
AT: i’LL GO TO THE COMPUTERLAB, sEE IF i CAN HELP OUT,,,,sOMEHOW,  
AT: sEE YOU IN A BIT kARKAT,

\-- adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]--

_”WELL, THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MOST DIFFICULT ONE. GLAD TO GOT THAT OVER WITH. WHO’S NEXT?”_

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

_ ”THIS DIPSHIT.” _

TA: kk what the fuck diid you do?  
TA: aa just fuckiing came over, hugged me, told me to talk to you and blew up iin a miilliion piiece2.  
TA: ii am freakiing the fuck out, and 2o help me ii wiill end you iif you cau2ed thii2.  
TA: why am ii 2uppo2ed to talk two you?  
TA: iin fact, why am ii even talkiing to you?  
TA: oh my god, ii thiink thii2 wa2 her robot arm.  
CG: SOLLUX CALM YOUR TITS  
TA: ii am not calmiing my tiit2, aa ju2t fuckiing diied AGAIIN.  
TA: how do you expect me to 2tay calm!!  
CG: UGH….YOU THINK THE FUCKING MAID OF TIME WOULD KNOW TO MAKE SOME TIME TO TELL YOU.   
TA: tell me what?  
TA: what ii2 even happeniing that aa had to diie agaiin?  
CG: LOOK, IS FEFERI THERE WITH YOU?   
TA: 2he’2 on her way. ii contacted her fiir2t.  
CG: GOOD, GOOD. THEN I’LL ONLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE ‘WHY-SHE-FUCKING-EXPLODED’ PART ONCE.   
TA: the beefliippiing fuck are you on about?  
CG: ALRIGHT, YOU REMEMBER THAT THING JACK DID ON PROSPIT?   
TA: don’t tell me he’2 iinvolved 2omehow……  
CG: I WISH HE WASN’T.   
CG: RIGHT NOW HE’S BLOWING THE FUCK OUT OF DERSE.   
CG: ACCORDING TO YOUR MATESPRITE, HER DREAMSELF IS ON A QUESTGRAVE OR SOMETHING AND WILL ASCEND WHEN HER DREAMWORLD GETS BLOWN TO BITS.   
TA: 2he’2 not my mate2priite.  
CG: WELL THEN YOU CAN FINALLY CONFESS ONCE SHE RETURNS HERE.   
CG: I AM SURE YOU TWO WOULD MAKE A PERFECT COUPLE FOR THE 6 SECONDS IT TAKES FOR JACK TO KILL US ALL AFTER FOLLOWING HER.   
TA: what!?  
CG: IS FEFERI THERE YET?  
TA: yeah 2he ju2t walked iin.   
TA: ii 2wear, 2he’2 the be2t moiiraiil ever. Ju2t the 2iight of her calms my nerve2.  
CG: YEAH, YEAH, YOU ARE FUCKING MADE FOR EACH OTHER. A MATCH MADE IN SHITTY ROMCOM HEAVEN.   
TA: no N—EED to be jealous crabsnack  
CG: DON’T FUCKING DO THAT WITH SOLLUX’S COLORS…..IT’S GIVING ME A HEADACHE.   
CG: COME TO THINK OF IT, DON’T DO THAT PERIOD. IT’S TIME TO WEAR OUR SERIOUS FACES PEOPLE, WE’RE ON THE CLOCK.   
TA: yeah, you mentiioned Jack ii2 comiing? Kiinda iimportant, you miight wanna clariify.  
CG: THERE’S NOT MUCH TO CLARIFY.   
CG: ARADIA GOES GODTIER ON DERSE, RETURNS HERE, JACK FOLLOWS HER, ENSUE FINAL BATTLE.   
CG: WE’RE SETTING A TRAP IN THE COMPUTERLAB SO WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO CATCH HIM OFF-GUARD AND DEAL SOME DAMAGE.   
CG: BEST CASE SCENARIO; WE’RE DONE WITH THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING IN AN HOUR OR SO.   
CG: WORST CASE SCENARIO; WE’RE DONE WITH THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING IN AN HOUR OR SO.   
TA: oh fuck  
TA: thii2 ii2 2o iincrediibly 2hiitty.  
TA: you ju2t turned ff’2 permanent griin iinto a frown, ii hope you are proud of your2elf.  
CG: SOLLUX, NOT THE TIME FOR GOOFING AROUND.   
CG: COMPUTERLAB. NOW.   
TA: yeah yeah, we’ll be there before jack get2 here.  
TA: don’t worry about iit.  
CG: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!? ARE YOU INSANE?   
CG: SHOULD I HAVE CALLED THE MEDICULLERS FIRST TO SEE IF YOUR THINKPAN IS STILL FULLY OPERATIONAL?   
CG: HOW COME THAT, WITH ALL YOUR DOOM AND GLOOM, YOU ARE NOT FLIPPING A DOZEN TABLES RIGHT NOW?   
TA: ii thiink ii ju2t went full ciircle and got 2o me22ed up that ii really 2topped giiviing a 2hiit.  
TA: eiither that or ff ii2 doiing all 2ort2 of erotiic thiing2 wiith my horn2.  
TA: probably both.  
TA: we’ll be there before Jack arriive2, don’t worry.  
CG: KINDA NEED YOUR HELP SETTING SHIT UP IN THE COMPUTERLAB.   
TA: ii’ll ju2t hold a quiick jam wiith ff and be on my way.  
CG: WE’RE ON THE CLOCK HERE SOLLUX.   
TA: kk plea2e.  
TA: ii don’t know what the fuck wiill happen. the voiice2 ii normally hear are all dii2torted. iit ju2t goe2 ‘wub wub wub wub’ all the tiime now.   
TA: 2omeone miight diie, ff miight diie, you miight diie, fuck, ii miight die. ii don’t know.  
TA: 2o ii kiinda feel ii need thii2.  
CG: I…..FUCK.   
CG: YEAH THAT SOUNDS FAIR.   
TA: your welcome to join us karkat.  
TA: I can only imagine )(ow )(ard t)(is must be on you.  
CG: THANKS BUT NO THANKS. A POSSIBLY FINAL FEELINGSJAM IS ALL SORTS OF ROMANTIC AND IT WOULD BE POOR FORM TO TURN THAT INTO A THREESOME.   
CG: JUST PROMISE ME YOU WILL BE THERE FOR THE BATTLE.   
TA: yeah we wiill.  
CG: ALRIGHT THEN.   
CG: JUST….  
CG: JUST FUCKING BE THERE IN TIME ALRIGHT?

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]\--

Karkat looked at his list of contacts. With him and Aradia five of the twelve trolls were ready for battle. It was more than a little tempting to just throw everything on the memoboard and have everyone read it at once, but he knew by now how seriously people took him in those conversations with himself.  
Contacting them personally made him appear a lot more credible and made them more willing to listen. It was quite refreshing to actually have Sollux listen to him for a change, though he was reluctant to take all the credit. His moirallegiance with the heiress seemed to mellow him out a bit.

He still had others to warn about Jack’s imminent arrival and his eyes fell on a olive colored name he had consciously avoided since arriving on the meteor.

(“MIGHT AS WELL GET THIS OVER WITH…..”)

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  arsenicCatnip [AC]\--  CG: NEPETA!   
CG: ALTERNIA TO NEPETA. ANSWER NEPETA!   
AC:33< this is nepeta, come in Alternia *AC says curiously*  
AC:33< we are encountering friendly human aliens Alternia. Requesting purmission to contact.   
CG: GODDAMNIT, WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS STUPID ROLEPLAYING SHINDIG.   
AC:33< but it’s fun.   
AC:33< and you started it :((   
CG: IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH.   
AC:33< well sorry….i guess.   
AC:33< you haven’t talked to me in like, furever. I was looking furward to role-playing with you :((   
CG: NO, THAT’S…….UGH, NEVERMIND.   
CG: IS ZAHHAK WITH YOU?   
CG: I NEED SOMEONE STRONG.   
AC:33< I can guarant33 my meowrail is still the STRONGEST there is.   
AC:33< should I tell him to come online?   
CG: NO, THIS WORKS FINE. JUST PASS THE MESSAGE.   
AC:33< what message?   
CG: WE’RE GETTING READY FOR THE FIGHT OF OUR LIVES.   
CG: AND UNLESS ZAHHAK FORGOT HOW TO ZAHHAK WE NEED HIM IN THE FRAY.   
AC:33< wait, there is gonna be more fighting?   
AC:33< what is happening?   
CG: JACK IS HAPPENING. WE’RE GOING TO TRY TO SPRING A TRAP ON HIM.   
CG: IF YOU AND YOUR MORAIL HURRY TO THE COMPUTERLAB I’LL EVEN TOLERATE YOU PRETENDING TO BE A HUNTRESS SETTING A TRAP FOR A STABBY MURDERBEAST.   
AC:33< oh noooooo :OO  
AC:33< karkat, is that really our plan?   
CG: WELL, I AM KINDA BANKING OUR GODTIERS ON BEING ABLE TO HOLD HIM OFF.   
AC:33< that sounds very risky  
CG: YEAH, IT REALLY KINDA IS.   
AC:33<……………………  
CG: ………………………  
CG: SO YEAH…………………….  
CG: IF YOU AND EQUIUS COULD GET TO THE COMPUTERLAB, THAT WOULD BE FUCKING SWELL.   
AC:33< wait!!!

_”OH PLEASE NO”_

CG: WHAT.   
AC:33< it’s just that if you go now we’ll…..  
AC:33< if your plan fails this will be our final confursation.   
AC:33< I mean, not that I think your plan will fail  
AC:33< it’s just that  
AC:33< Well, I don’t want our final confursation to end like this.   
CG: OH GOD…….GET ON WITH IT.   
AC:33< there is something I’ve b33n meaning to tell you…..something I’ve b33n holding off for far too long.   
AC:33<I’ve b33n waiting too long and it’s slowly tearing me apart and I just n33d to say it.   
AC:33< …..I know there is something between you and purezi.   
AC:33< and I really like her, and if you two want to be with each other I really don’t want to interfur.   
AC:33< I really want nothing but the best fur her but......   
AC:33< it’s just that......I really like you too.   
AC:33< and I just wonder….. if you could ever look at me like that?   
AC:33< if you would efur consider me a potential matesprite?   
AC:33< if we survive.

_”THAT SOMEHOW WENT EXACTLY WHERE I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING AND YET I AM STILL HORRIFIED.”_

CG: I  
CG: REALLY NEPETA?   
CG: YOU WANT TO DO THIS NOW?   
CG: I HAVE 5 MORE TROLLS I NEED TO ALERT OF OUR POTENTIAL IMMINENT DEATHS AND NOW YOU WANT TO SPRING THE ROMANCE TRAP ON ME?   
AC:33< well I am not hearing a no.   
CG: I CAN’T VERY WELL GIVE A YES EITHER CAN I?   
AC:33< sure you can.   
AC:33< I am not asking you to become my matesprite Karkat….. I just want you to consider it.   
AC:33< I swear, I’ll follow your every order in the oncoming fight if you do.   
AC:33< I’ll even make sure Equius won’t act goofy when you want to be leaderly.   
CG: JEGUS YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.   
AC:33< hee hee  
CG: VERY WELL. IF WE SURVIVE I WILL THINK ABOUT IT.   
CG: JUST DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP.   
AC:33< hee hee  
CG: WHAT NOW?   
AC:33< Nothing really. I am just so glad I got this off my chest it f33ls like I am floating.   
AC:33< you have no idea how it f33ls to be walking around with those red f33lings fur so long without telling anyone.   
CG: ACTUALLY, IT’S VERY STANDARD FARE FOR ROMANTIC COMEDIES.   
CG: SO YEAH, I GUESS I SYMPATHIZE THERE.   
AC:33< purhaps you can recommend a few once this is over?   
CG: HA, DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED.   
CG: I REALLY HAVE TO MAKE SURE THE REST GETS INTO GEAR AS WELL.   
AC:33< of course!   
AC:33< Equius and I will be right there.   
CG: THANK YOU.   
CG: SEE YOU IN A BIT.   
AC:33< right, s33 you.   
AC:33< so uhm…..bye?

\--arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

”WELL THAT COULD HAVE GONE WORSE.” Karkat mused. He expected a lot more crying, scratching, incoherent catpuns and possibly threats from her sweaty moirail. He wondered if the threat of death by stabbing somehow defused the romantic tension a little.

_“SPEAKING OF ROMANTIC TENSION, LETS SEE IF KANAYA AND VRISKA ARE DONE ABUSING THE RED QUADRANT.”_

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]\--

CG: HEY  
GA: Good Evening Karkat  
GA: Are You Here To Inquire About My Date With Vriska  
CG: NOT PARTICULARLY NO.   
GA: It Was Simply Delightful And  
GA: Oh Pardon Me  
GA: I Did Not Expect That Reply  
GA: Is There Something The Matter  
CG: YES A REGULAR CODE RED.   
CG: SO GIVE ME A MOMENT SO I CAN PROPERLY FILL YOU IN.   
GA: How Big Is This Problem You Speak Of?   
CG: PRETTY MUCH BLOW-UP-THE-METEOR-AND-STAB-EVERYONE-UNTIL-THEY-STOP-MOVING BIG.   
GA: That Sounds Incredibly Big  
GA: If It Involves All Of Us Then Perhaps Vriska Should Hear This As Well  
GA: I Shall Add Her To The Conversation  
CG: NO FOR THE LOVE OF MY SANITY DON’T!

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] added  arachnidsGrip [AG] to the convo--

CG: DAMNIT…  
AG: missed me already fussyfangs? <33333333  
GA: You Know How Much I Enjoy Your Company Darling  
GA: And I Would Love For You To Return To My Room So I Can Take Your Measurements And Further Enjoy Your Company After This  
GA: But I Believe Karkat Has Something Important To Tell Us  
AG: ooooooooh is he finally going to confess his pale feelings for you?   
AG: I just want to 8e the first to say that I fucking called iiiiiiiit.   
GA: Vriska  
AG: It is soooooooo o8vious.   
GA: Vriska I Appreciate Your Concern With My Lack Of A Moirail  
GA: But Currently I Have Another Quadrant That I Currently Wish To Give My Full Attention  
AG: Oh my, you sure know how to sweet talk me.   
AG: I want to thank you soooooooo much for hooking us up Karkat. This is 8y far the 8est thing that happened in the entire game.   
AG: Like, I wasn’t suuuuuuuure this would work out 8ut then it did and it was awesome!!!!!!!!   
AG: She is such an aggressive kisser. Took my compleeeeeeeetely 8y surprise 8ut I fucking love it <3  
CG: PLEASE STOP TALKING….  
CG: ALSO, I DIDN’T HOOK YOU UP.   
AG: Details. I am feeling soooooooo..... happy? right now I am not even going to hold you responsi8le for the clusterfuck you caused.   
AG: I AM however still hooking you and Kanaya up, 8ecause you two o8viously have something going on.   
GA: Do I Not Get A Say In This Dear  
AG: Hush Kanaya, I am talking for you ;;;;)   
GA: I Believe Karkat Had Something He Wished To Talk About  
AG: Yeah, that pale confession right?   
GA: I Fear You Are The Only One Who Came To That Conclusion  
AG: Oh…sorry, I guess.   
GA: Dont Be  
GA: In Fact I Find It Rather Endearing  
GA: Heart  
CG: THE POINT……PLEASE.   
CG: MY THINKPAN JUST CAN’T…  
CG: I MEAN HOW……  
CG: UUUGH……  
GA: Alright Karkat You Have Our Attention  
CG: RIGHT.   
CG: SO IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER: I NEED EVERYONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO HOLD A WEAPON, WE SET A TRAP IN THE COMPUTERLAB, ARADIA BLEW UP, JACK IS COMING, ARADIA IS GODTIER,.   
CG: ANY QUESTIONS?   
AG: Uh, yeah?   
AG: what the hell are you on a8out!?   
CG: JACK IS DESTROYING DERSE AT THIS VERY MOMENT. ARADIA’S DREAMSELF IS GOING GODTIER AND WHEN SHE RETURNS JACK WILL BE HOT ON HER HEELS.   
CG: GOD, I’VE BEEN OVER THIS LIKE 4 TIMES ALREADY.   
GA: Yes I Would Normally Expect You To Post This On A Memo  
CG: THOSE MEMO’S ARE A JOKE AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.   
AG: So what’s the plan?   
CG: SNEAK ATTACK. HIT HIM WITH EVERYTHING WE GOT.   
CG: AND CONSIDERING WE’LL HAVE 2 GODTIERS, GAMZEE, AND VARIOUS OTHER QUALIFIED MURDERERS AND MURDERWEAPONS, I SAY WE CAN DEAL SOME PRETTY MAJOR DAMAGE IF WE CATCH HIM OFF-GUARD.   
GA: I  
GA: But  
GA: That Is Still Incredibly Risky  
CG: WELL THERE ARE VERY FEW ALTERNATIVES, SO I AM SORRY.   
CG: I MADE THE CALL TO FIGHT BECAUSE I DON’T SEE OUR CHANCES GETTING MUCH BETTER THEN THIS.   
AG: What a8out the humans? They could help us!   
CG: HELP US HOW?   
CG: I HAVE TO BE REALISTIC HERE SERKET, THOSE HUMANS ARE IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE ALL TOGETHER. IT WOULD TAKE A MIRACLE TO GET THEM HERE.   
CG: AND CONSIDERING I AM NOT CHUGGING FAYGO, I AM NOT GOING TO PUT ALL MY MONEY INTO THAT HAPPENING.   
CG: IT WOULD BE GREAT IF WE HAD ONE MORE GODTIER AND A SECOND TIMEPLAYER TO HELP US, BUT IT WOULD PROBABLY TAKE THEM AN ETERNITY TO GET HERE, IF THEY ARE PLANNING TO AT ALL.   
AG: hrmph........ Ok, that is a fair point.   
AG: 8ut stranger things happened during the game.   
CG: AND IT PAINS ME TO MY VERY CORE TO SAY IT, BUT SERKET, I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP HERE.   
CG: AS ONE OF THE TWO GODTIERS WE HAVE YOU PROBABLY HAVE THE BEST CHANCE AGAINST JACK. I NEED YOU, ARADIA AND THE HIGHBLOODS TO DO THE HEAVY HITTING.   
CG: WELL, EXCEPT FEFERI. SHE NEEDS TO PLAY MEDIC LIKE SHE DID AGAINST THE BLACK KING.   
AG: well may8e I don’t want to do as you say.   
AG: may8e I just want to make sure MY MATESPRITE survives the fight you 8rought to our doorstep.   
AG: what do you think a8out that?   
CG: UGH, REALLY SERKET!? YOU SLIMEY, BACKSTABBING, SELF-ABSORBED, PIECE OF—  
GA: Karkat Please  
GA: You Are Talking To My Matesprite  
AG: hahahahahahahaha YES!!!!!!!! thank you Kanaya.   
GA: You Are Welcome  
GA: Now Vriska Dear  
GA: Could You Do Me A Favor  
AG: anything for you, just name it.   
GA: Would You Be So Kind As To Follow Karkats Orders Into Battle  
GA: Just This Once  
AG: I........   
AG: you……  
AG: uuuuuuuurgh, well played Fussyfangs.   
CG: HAHAHAHAHA OH FUCK YES.   
CG: DAMN, KANAYA KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH YOU.   
AG: Not so fast Vantas!!!!!!!!   
AG: I have a few terms and conditions.   
CG: GOD, ARE YOU GOING TO BARGAIN THIS NOW?   
AG: yeeeeeeees  
CG: WELL FINE, IF THEY ARE WITHIN REASON CONSIDER THEM DONE.   
CG: MAIL THEM TO ME AFTER THE BATTLE.   
AG: ooooooooh no, you are going to listen to them right now!!!!!!!!   
AG: First: I will do NOTHING that I think will put Kanaya in danger  
AG: Your judgment regarding this is irrelevant.   
CG: FINE.   
AG: Second, you will name me second in command. On account of me 8eing such a valuable frontline fighter and essential to your plans.   
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT THAT!?   
GA: I Thought You Did No Longer Care For That Position  
AG: I don’t reeeeeeeeally care a8out the position. I just want to ru8 it in the faces of Pyrope and Zahhak ;;;;)   
CG: WAUW, THAT IS ONE PETTY ORDER. BUT FINE, CONSIDER IT DONE.   
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO NAME THE OTHER SIX ANYTIME SOON? CAUSE I GOT MORE TROLLS TO INFORM.   
AG: Fiiiiiiiine, my final demand.   
AG: After this you take Kanaya on a pale date. This will of coooooooourse include a long walk together and a feelingsjam on a proper made pile. None of that; throw every random o8ject together, 8ut thought out and constructed with caaaaaaaare.   
AG: Diner and a movie are not mandatory 8ut highly recommended ;;;;)   
GA: Vriska This Is Incredibly Inappropriate  
AG: Come oooooooon, you two would 8e perfect moirails.   
GA: I  
GA: I Really Am Not Looking For Anything Long Term Right Now My Love  
AG: Then make it short term.   
AG: I am just making sure he treats you gr8 under whatever arrangement you two have going.   
CG: OK, LET ME BE PERFECTLY CLEAR HERE SERKET.   
CG: I AM PERFECTLY WILLING TO DO ALL THESE THINGS FOR YOU. I AM WILLING TO JAM WITH YOUR MATESPRITE UNTILL THE SUN GOES DOWN.   
CG: I WILL GO IN FRONT OF EVERYONE WEARING NOTHING BUT A FANCY FEZ AND SING ‘ALL HAIL THE CONDESCE’ IF THAT AMUSES YOU.   
AG: ooooooooh that is a good one. Write it down for my fourth order .   
CG: BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU, GOT THAT?   
AG: Yes mr Vantas siiiiiiiir.   
GA: Of Course Karkat  
GA: We Will Be There Momentarily

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] left convo--

AG: See you soon, 8rave leader.   
AG: ;;;;)

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] left convo--

Karkat sat back and groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation. _”EITHER SERKET IS GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE INFLUENCE ON KANAYA, OR KANAYA IS GOING TO MAKE SERKET SLIGHTLY MORE TOLERABLE. NO MATTER WHICH HAPPENS, SOMEHOW I’LL LOSE.”_

He looked at the remaining trolls. Gamzee wouldn’t be very difficult to mobilize. Whatever happened, for some reason he always listened to Karkat, or tried to anyway. Being more careful with his sopor-intake might actually make him more capable of following orders. The risk of him flipping his shit was one he was willing to take.  
Eridan would need some coaxing. Karkat fully expected him to turn it into a drama, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed by pretending to listen.

And then there was Terezi.

Karkat nervously clicked the teal tag, briefly wondering if this is how Nepeta felt.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

CG: HEY.   
CG: ARE YOU THERE?   
GC: OF COURS3 1 4M. WH3R3 3LS3 WOULD 1 B3?  
CG: YEAH, YEAH, SAVE THE SASS.   
GC: SO, COULD YOU JUST G1V3 M3 TH3 SHORT V3RS1ON OF WH4T’S GO1NG ON?  
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS GOING ON!?   
CG: I MEAN THERE IS, BUT FOR ALL YOU KNOW I WAS JUST CHECKING UP.   
GC: PL34S3, TH3R3 1S SO MUCH T3NS1ON 1N TH3 41R 4NYON3 COULD SM3LL 1T.  
GC: 1T’S B1TT3RN3SS 1S OV3RWH3LM1NG >:(  
CG: WAIT TENSION IS BITTER?   
CG: ARGH, NEVER MIND. FOCUS.   
GC: H4H4  
GC: Y3S BR4V3 L34D3R, T3LL M3 WH4T’S GO1NG ON.  
CG: ARADIA IS GOING GODTIER AND WILL GUIDE JACK HERE.   
CG: WE ARE GOING TO AMBUSH HIM AND WELL……YEAH.   
CG: THAT’S WHY EVERYONE IS SO DAMN TENSE.   
GC: G4SP >:O  
GC: TH1S 1S 4 HORR1BL3 1D34.  
CG: IT’S THE BEST SHOT WE’LL GET.   
GC: NO R34LLY K4RK4T, TH1S 1S 4 T3RR1BL3 1D34.  
GC: 1F YOU H4D M3NT1ON3D TH1S PL4N OF LUR1NG J4CK H3R3, B3FOR3 PUTT1NG 1T 1N MOT1ON 1…..  
GC: 1 DON’T 3V3N KNOW WH4T 1 WOULD H4V3 DON3.  
GC: COULDN’T YOU H4V3 TOLD M3 B3FOR3H4ND?  
CG: IT KINDA WAS A SPUR OF THE MOMENT DECISION, WITH ARADIA FUCKING BLOWING UP AND ALL THAT.   
CG: THAT WAS FUCKING SWELL.   
GC: SO SH3 1S 4N 4CCOMPL1C3.  
CG: LIKE I SAID, SHE’S ALSO GOING GODTIER.   
CG: AND I LIKE TO THINK THAT WITH 2 GODTIERS ON OUR SIDE, AS WELL AS ALL THE LOOT AND SKILLS WE HAVE FROM THE GAME, WE ACTUALLY STAND A CHANCE.   
CG: YOU’RE THE SEER, YOU TELL ME WHAT OUR CHANCES ARE.   
GC: HRMMM……  
GC: W1TH 4R4D14 B31NG M41D OF T1M3 W3 M1GHT H4V3 4 SHOT. SL1M 4S 1T 1S.  
GC: K4RK4T, WHY D1DN’T YOU THROW TH1S ON 4 M3MO 4ND S4V3 3V3RYON3 SOM3 T1M3?  
GC: W3 COULD H4V3 US3D 1T TO STR4T3G1Z3.  
CG: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ONE OF THOSE FUCKING MEMO’S GOT YOU PEOPLE TO DO ANYTHING?   
GC: W3LL N3V3R, BUT W3 COULD H4V3 US3D 4 L4UGH.  
CG: UGH…..  
CG: I NEED EVERYONE READY TO FIGHT AND WILLING TO TAKE ORDERS. THAT DOESN’T WORK IF SOLLUX PUBLICLY UNDERMINES ME, OR MY OWN PAST/FUTURE SELVES DISCREDIT EVERY WORD I SAY.   
CG: SO FUCK IT, EVERYONE GETS THEIR OWN PERSONAL MESSAGE.   
CG: AND THAT’S IT. WE’RE MEETING IN THE COMPUTERLAB AND WE’LL BLAST THAT ASSHOLE TO KINGDOM COME, THEN CELEBRATE WITH CONFECTIONS AND CARBONATED SOFT DRINKS.   
GC: WH4T K1ND OF C4RBON4T3D SOFT DR1NKS ?  
CG: ANYTHING BUT FAYGO.   
GC: 1’M K1ND OF 1MPR3SS3D K4RK4T. FOR 4 S3COND TH3R3, YOU 4CTU4LLY SOUND3D L1K3 4 PROP3R L34D3R.  
CG: I’M WORKING ON IT.   
CG: YOU KNOW, THE BEING TAKEN SERIOUS PART OF BEING A LEADER.   
GC: 1T K1ND OF SU1TS YOU.  
CG: REALLY? WELL, THANKS, I GUESS.

_ ”COME ON NUMBNUTS, SAY IT.”_

GC: 4LR1GHT TH3N. 1’LL S33 YOU 1N TH3 COMPUT3RL4B ONC3 YOU F1N1SH3D WH4T3V3R L34D3RLY BUS1N3SS ST1LL N33DS TO B3 DON3.  
CG: WAIT.   
GC: >:?  
CG: I

_ ”NO TURNING BACK NOW COME ON.” _

CG: I AM NOT ENTIRELY SURE HOW TO GO ABOUT THIS. WHENEVER I THINK I DO KNOW, I SOMEHOW ALWAYS PROVE MYSELF WRONG AND MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF.

_”IF NEPETA CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU DAMNIT.”_

CG: I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFRENCES…… I KNOW THAT…… I HAVEN’T BEEN VERY CLEAR ABOUT WHERE WE STAND OR WHAT I WANT FROM YOU.   
CG: BUT IN MY MEAGER EXCUSE FOR A DEFENSE, NEITHER DID YOU.   
CG: AND I THINK WE FOUGHT SO MUCH ABOUT IT, THAT IN THE END WE EVEN FORGOT WHO STARTED IT AND WHY.   
GC: K4RK4T.  
CG: I JUST WANTED TO SAY….  
CG: I JUST WANTED TO PROMISE, THAT IF THIS SHIT GOES DOWN, IF WE SURVIVE IT……WELL…I WANT TO FIND OUT WHERE WE BELONG.   
CG: RED, BLACK, FUCK MAYBE EVEN PALE. ASHEN FOR ALL I CARE.   
CG: FUCK, MAYBE THROW THEM ALL TOGETHER AND GO BEYOND ALL THAT BULLSHIT.   
CG: I JUST WANT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU AND STOP THESE MUTUALLY CONFUSING MINDGAMES.   
GC: 1…..WOW.  
GC: 1 KNOW 1 SHOULD S4Y SOM3TH1NG W1TTY OR 4T L34ST M1LDLY 1NSULT1NG BUT 1 D1D NOT SM3LL TH4T COM1NG.  
GC: 1T’S SO UN3XP3CT3D, Y3T SO V3RY MUCH L1K3 YOU.  
GC: 1T SOUNDS N1C3. TO F1ND OUT JUST WH3R3 W3 ST4ND 4ND GO W1TH 1T.  
GC: B3L13V3 1T OR NOT, M1NDG4M3S C4N B3COM3 V3RY 3XH4UST1NG, 3V3N FOR M3.  
GC: 4ND…..YOU 4CTU4LLY 4DM1TT3D F4ULT?  
CG: THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. ALSO, DO NOTE THAT I AM NOT SELF-CENTERED ENOUGH TO TAKE THE FULL BLAME.   
CG: YOU ARE PROBABLY JUST AS CONFUSED AS I AM ABOUT THE WHOLE DEBACLE THAT IS OUR QUADRANT LIFE.   
GC: H4H4H4, P3RH4PS 1 4M.  
CG: SO THAT’S A DEAL?   
GC: Y3S.  
GC: W3’LL H4V3 4 N1C3 CUP OF T34 4ND D1SCUSS TH1S 1N GR34T D3T41L ONC3 TH1S 1S OV3R.  
GC: 4S LONG 4S YOU DON’T DO SOM3TH1NG STUP1D 4ND G3T YOURS3LF K1LL3D BY J4CK.  
CG: NOT PLANNING TO.   
GC: 1 DON’T TH1NK 4NYON3 PL4NS G3TT1NG ST4BB3D HORR1BLY.  
CG: CAN YOU STOP BRINGING THAT UP?   
GC: 1 4M JUST B31NG R34L1ST1C.  
GC: 4S S33R 1 K1ND OF N33D TO B3 OP3N TO TH3 POSS1BL3 OUTCOM3S OF TH1S G4MB1T.  
GC: 4ND THOUGH 1 TH1NK W3 H4V3 4 CH4NC3 1F M1SS M3G1DO 4SC3NDS, V1CTORY 1S NO GU4R4NT33. D34TH BY ST4BB1NG 1S ST1LL 4N OPT1ON.   
CG: HOLD ON, TEREZI, I THINK WE JUST WITNISSED A FUCKING MURDER. I NEED TO MAKE A CALL.   
CG: HELLO? LEGISLACERATOR’S OFFICE? I JUST SAW A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF MINE MERCILESSLY MURDER THE MOOD.   
CG: YES, THE MOOD IS DEFINITELY DEAD.   
CG: NO SHE DIDN’T KILL IT WITH HER STRIFE SPECIBUS, SHE KEPT MENTIONING GETTING STABBED.   
CG: FATAL, I KNOW.   
CG: ……..UH HUH.   
CG: IMAGINE THAT.   
GC: WH4T? >:/  
CG: WRONG NUMBER.   
GC: BL4R.  
GC: K4RK4T, YOU 4R3 W4ST1NG T1M3.  
CG: I KNOW, I SHOULD BE GOING.   
CG: I AM JUST KIND OF….RELIEVED I GUESS.   
GC: 4BOUT WH4T?  
CG: HAVING TOLD YOU EVERYTHING.   
CG: IT KIND OF FEELS LIKE A HUGE WEIGHT FELL OF MY SHOULDERS AND I COULD FLY LAPS AROUND THE INCIPISPHERE.   
GC: YOU’R3 SO W31RD.  
CG: HELLO POT, MY NAME IS KETTLE. YOU’RE BLACK.   
CG: ANYWAY, I BETTER GET GAMZEE AND ERIDAN TO JOIN US.   
CG: SEE YOU IN THE LAB.   
GC: M33T YOU TH3R3.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

GC: <3

Karkat immediately saved the conversation to his hard drive, hardly able to register what just happened. Not only did he manage to finally clear the air with Terezi ( _“OR AT LEAST MAKE AN ARRANGEMENT TO CLEAR THE AIR”_ ), he managed to do so without appearing like a complete tool.

With new energy he looked at the remaining contacts. If he wasn’t determined to see this trough before, he certainly was now.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  terminallyCapricious [TC]\--  CG: GAMZEE.   
TC: ShIt, HeY tHeRe My InVeRtEbRoThEr.  
TC: WhAtS hApPeNnInG oN yOuR cOrNeR oF tHe S.s. ChIlLcRuIsE.  
CG: S.S. CHILLCRUISE ………WHAT!?   
TC: SpAcE sToNe ChIlLcRuIsE  
TC: I mEaN, tHaT iS wHaT tHiS tHiNg Is CaLlEd RiGhT?  
CG: I…NO. GAMZEE IT’S CALLED AN ASTEROID.   
TC: I aM pReTtY sUrE i KnOw A sPaCeStOnE wHeN i SeE oNe.  
TC: BuT hOwEvEr It’S cAlLeD iN gRaMmAtIcAlLy CoRrEcT aLtErNiAn I fIgUrEd It NeEdEd A nAmE.  
CG: THAT IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER HEARD AND--

_”NO….FOCUS. KEEP THE GOAL IN MIND.”_

CG: AND THAT IS NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.   
TC: If YoU sAy So BeSt FrIeNd  
TC: I jUsT fIgUrEd I sHoUlD cAlL iT sOmeThInG tHaT fEeLs RiGhT yOu KnOw?  
CG: YES, THAT IS GREAT GAMZEE. I’LL LET YOU GET RIGHT ON THAT IN AN HOUR OR SO.   
TC: HaHaHa YeAh. fUcK yEaH.  
TC: So WhAt Is RuStLiNg YoUr FuCkInG jImMiEs BrO?  
CG: WE ARE IN FOR OUR FINAL FIGHT IN A BIT.   
CG: WHEN DID YOU LAST TAKE A PIE?   
TC: UhM………….  
TC: sHiT bRo, I cAn’T eVeN fUcKiNg ReMeMbEr.  
TC: TaVbRo WaS gOiNg To ReMiNd Me To TaKe OnE iN tImE.  
TC: yOu KnOw, BeFoRe SoMeThInG lIkE tHaT wOuLd HaPpEn AgAiN  
CG: YEAH…..I HOPE I DIDN’T OFFEND YOU OR ANYTHING.   
CG: I ONLY CAME DOWN THE NUTRITION BLOCK TO GET A CARBONATED DRINK. I DIDN’T THINK;”GEE, I SURE HOPE I GET TO LIVE OUT ONE OF MY PALE FANTASIES RIGHT HERE IN THE NUTRITION BLOCK.”   
TC: Is CoOl BrO. It WaS sHiTtY oF mE tO fOrCe YoUr HaNd In ThAt WiCkEd RaGe Of MiNe  
TC: I dIdN’T fUcKiNg KnOw iT wAs A fAnTaSy Of YoUrS.  
CG: YEAH WELL….. IT’S A PRETTY COMMON ONE AT THAT. I MEAN, SURELY YOU’VE LOOKED AT PALE SMUT SOME TIME. IT’S KIND OF A NORMAL FANTASY TO PACIFY A RAGING HIGHBLOOD.   
TC: BrO i NeVeR lOoKeD aT tHaT sHiT.  
CG: OH. I JUST ASSUMED. I MEAN, IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR TROLLS OUR AGE  
TC: CoUlDn’T fInD iT. I mEaN, iNtErNeT mAn, HoW dOeS iT wOrK?  
CG: SEARCH ENGINES. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HOW COMPLICATED IS IT?  
TC: NaH bRo, ThAt WoUld Be ChEaTiNg. ThOuGh ThEy ArE pReTtY mIrAcUlOuS iN tHeIr OwN mOtHeRfUcKiNg RiGhT.  
TC: HoW dO ThEy KnOw WhErE tO fInD AlL tHaT sHiT mAn?  
CG: URGH…..  
TC: AnyWaY bEsT fRiEnD, i Am GlAd YoU aInT bOtHeReD aBoUt WhAt HaPpEnEd.  
TC: KiNdA tHoUgHt YoU’d BeMoRe AnGrY aBoUt It.  
CG: IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT AND WE GOT THAT SHIT UNDER CONTROL NOW.   
CG: WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS ON OUR HANDS.   
TC: HoNk :o(  
CG: TELL ME, WHAT WAS THAT THING YOU DID AGAINST THE BLACK KING?   
TC: ThE wHaT?  
TC: ShIt, PrObAbLy BrO  
TC: I wAs GeTtInG aLl KiNdS oF MaD aT tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR aNd BeFoRe I kNeW iT I FeLt LiKe VenTiNg ThAt sHiT.  
TC: ShIt GeTs KiNdA fUzZy AfTeR tHaT.  
CG: COME ON, WE NEED THAT FIREPOWER. REMEMBER HOW YOU DID IT.   
TC: BrO, wHy WoUlD i NeEd To RePeAt ThAt ShIt?  
TC: i DoN’t WaNt To GeT mY HaRsH oN aGaInSt aNy Of oUr MoThErFuCkInG fRiEnDs.  
CG: WELL GOOD, CAUSE I DON’T THINK YOU AND JACK GOT BUDDY-BUDDY. SO YOU ARE PERFECTLY ALLOWED TO GET ‘YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HARSH ON.’   
CG: THE ASSHOLE JUST BLEW UP DERSE AND ALL THE DREAMSELVES THAT WERE STILL THERE.   
CG: THIS INCLUDED ARADIA AND, BIG TWIST, SHE GETS TO GO GODTIER NOW.   
CG: BECAUSE OF REASONS.   
TC: WoAh BrO. sUpPoSe ThAt Is InDeEd ReAsOn To GeT yOuR fUcKiNg AnGeR oN.  
CG: RIGHT. SO THINK YOU CAN GET ON THAT?   
TC: ShIt MaN, I’lL gIvE iT a ShOt.  
TC: CoMiNg At ThAt MuRdErBrO wItH tHe InTenSiTy Of ThE mIrThFuL mEsSiAhS aNd ThE fLoW oF a RaPpInG lAuGhSaSsIn.  
CG: I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID, AS LONG AS YOU GET YOUR ASS TO THE COMPUTERLAB THIS INSTANT.   
CG: WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT, AND ERIDAN STILL NEEDS TO BE INFORMED.   
TC: So I GeT eRiDaN tO tHe CoMpUtErLaB, gOt It.  
CG: NO YOU DIPSHIT. YOU GO TO THE COMPUTERLAB.   
CG: I GET ERIDAN.   
TC: AaAaH, yEaH, iS cOoL bEsT fRiEnD.  
TC: I’lL wAiT tHeRe On YoUr MoThErFuCkInG iNsTruCtIoNs.  
TC: PeRhApS cHiLl WiTh TaVbRo A bIt.  
TC: SoUnDs NiCe.  
CG: HOW DO YOU FUNCTION THAT YOU REMAIN THIS FUCKING MELLOW?   
CG: NO WAIT, NEVERMIND. I DON’T CARE, I HAVE WORK TO DO.   
CG: JUST GO FUCKING CHILL WITH TAVROS, I’LL MEET UP WITH YOU AND THE REST IN A BIT.   
TC: SuRe ThInG :o)

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

Karkat sighed. He could never figure out what went through Gamzee’s head and couldn’t decide if recent events had made it better or worse. Regardless, Gamzee was at least willing to listen to his orders. Whether or not he would act on them fully depended on how much sopor he had in his sytem. 

Karkat quickly glanced at the clock. He was somewhat surprised seeing how much time he had left. There was enough left to inform Eridan, ask for his input, leisurely stroll to the lab and give everyone their orders and a motivating speech.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  caligulasAquarium [CA]\--  CG: ERIDAN, YOU THERE?   
CA: oh hey kar. wwhat’s up?  
CG: WELL, WE HAVE A FUCKING CRISIS ON OUR HANDS, THAT’S WHAT’S UP.   
CA: wwhat?!  
CG: JACK IS COMING OUR WAY. WE HAVE TWO GODTIERS AND ARE MAKING AN AMBUSH IN THE COMPUTERLAB.   
CA: wwait, howw do wwe havve twwo godtiers noww?  
CG: OH MY GOD I AM SO SICK OF EXPLAINING THIS.   
CG: JACK IS BLOWING UP DERSE, KILLING ALL DREAMSELVES, BUT ARADIA’S DREAMSELF IS DIFFERENT SOMEHOW SO SHE GETS TO GO GODTIER.   
CG: SO YEAH, DON’T GO TO SLEEP ANYMORE UNLESS YOU ENJOY THE EMBRACE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK KIND OF MONSTROSITIES LAYS BEYOND THE VEIL.   
CG: FEFERI WILL BE OVERJOYED.   
CA: oh my cod, that is so fucking UNFAIR.  
CA: wwhy does a gutterblood like her (no offense) get to go godtier? I am a derse dreamer too.  
CG: I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO PRETEND THAT I UNDERSTAND IT, BUT THAT’S WHERE THINGS ARE.   
CG: SHE’LL LEAD JACK BACK HERE AND WE’LL JUMP HIM.   
CA: wwell…. I knoww vvris is crazy powwerful but she probably can’t stop jack all alone.  
CA: another godtier wwill probably change the wwhole game.  
CA: still, this ain’t a fight I wwould havve picked.  
CG: IT’S THE BEST CHANCE WE’LL GET.   
CA: probably… Unless ar could get awway from jack and back here. Wwe wwould havve had more time to set up a trap.  
CG: YEAH, BUT WE HAVE NO GUARANTEE FOR THAT DO WE?   
CA: no guarantee wwe wwill survvivve this either.  
CA: oh fuck, wwe’re really fighting jack aren’t we?  
CG: AFRAID SO. CA: fuck, godDAMN piece of shit. wwhy does all this shit happen to US?  
CG: BECAUSE PARADOX SPACE FUCKING HATES EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE TO THE POINT OF DEFYING ALL BASIC FUCKING LOGIC TO KILL ANYTHING SENTIENT.   
CA: so wwhat is the plan?  
CG: HIT HIM WITH EVERYTHING WE GOT.   
CA: wwhat, that’s it?   
CA: kar, that’s kinda primitivve… perhaps you could specify?  
CG: WELL BARKBEASTPILING HIM WOULDN’T WORK.   
CA: haha  
CG: I FIGURED GAMZEE, VRISKA AND EQUIUS COULD RUSH HIM, ANYONE WITH RANGED WEAPONS OR SKILLS ATTACK WHENEVER THERE IS A OPENING AND HAVE FEFERI PLAY MEDIC.   
CG: THE REST OF US MAKE SURE THEY DON’T DIE AND SUPPORT WHERE POSSIBLE.   
CA: alright, that sure is a bravve plan.  
CG: BUT YOU HATE IT?   
CA: but it needs wwork.   
CG: WHO MADE YOU GRANDMASTER TACTICIAN?   
CA: kar please, i’vve been obsessing ovver this military shit since the day i wwas hatched.   
CA: vvris is pretty good too, but she lacks a certain…finesse.  
CA: her strategy wwas alwways the same; rush the king as fast as possible. Usually cost me all my pawwns, but not vvery effectivve in the long run.  
CG: HOLD IT THE FUCK UP. YOU PLAYED CHESS TOGETHER?   
CA: on a feww occasions, after a successful FLARPin session.  
CA: as for our strategy against jack… wwe have SHITTY luck for the trolls highest on the hemospectrum bein the medic and one of the twwo reliable ranged attackers.  
CA: normally you’d wwant us in on the frontline because wwe can take a lot a damage.  
CG: YEAH, I GOT THAT FAR.   
CA: ter, tav and nep have a feww support abilities right?  
CG: NOT SURE HOW MUCH USE TEREZI’S ABILITIES WILL BE AGAINST A TELEPORTING MURDERBEAST, BUT TAVROS AND NEPETA DO HAVE SOME SUPPORTIVE FRAYMOTIVES YEAH.   
CA: wwell, they’re going to havve to spam the evverlovving fuck outta them.  
CG: WELL, FUCKING DUH I SUPPOSE. BUT YEAH, THEY CAN DO THAT.   
CA: if ter can get a decent read on how jack is going to movve, she could pair up wwith kan.  
CG: WAIT, KANAYA? HOW SO?   
CA: wwell, her chainsaww is a fuckin killin machine and she wwields it quite nimbly but there’s no wway jack is gonna get hit by that.  
CG: UNLESS OUR SEER PREDICTS HIS COURSE. GOOD THINKING.   
CG: I WAS GOING TO LET HER USE HER SPACE POWERS TO TELEPORT WOUNDED TO FEFERI TO AVOID HER GETTING STUCK IN THE CROSSFIRE.   
CA: that wwould also be a good wway to utilize her.  
CA: also, can you let me and sol open the first attack wwhile the rest movves in? It wwill pressure him and givve the rest a chance to movve in.  
CG: ALRIGHT, SOUNDS GOOD. BUT WHAT IS MY ROLE IN THIS?   
CA: uhm…… do you havve any supportivve fraymotivves?  
CG: NONE.   
CA: any ranged attacks?  
CG: NOPE.   
CA: huh…  
CG: I’LL JUST JOIN IN WITH VRISKA AND GAMZEE. THIS WHOLE DEAL WITH JACK IS A PERSONAL ONE AND I WOULD LOVE TO FUCKING DECAPITATE HIM TO END THIS MESS.   
CA: yeah wwe’d all lovve that.  
CA: but eh……………  
CG: WHAT?!   
CA: see, you’re (probably) a lowwblood and i wwant you to knoww i am cool wwith that.  
CA: you knoww not many seadwwellers are cool wwith a lowwblood best friend right?  
CA: yet here wwe are, best buds, alwways discussing our romantic livves, that of evveryone else, and noww the strategy for our last stand.   
CG: THE POINT ASSHOLE.   
CA: just makin sure you knoww i don’t say this to insult you, but you’re a lowwblood.  
CA: jack probably only needs one or twwo stabs to take you dowwn wwhile the other frontline fighters practically absorb that shit.  
CA: fuck, i wwanna bet i could fire an automatic rifle at gam from point-blank range and he wwould still be ok.  
CG: FUCK THAT NOISE. I AM NOT GOING TO SIT BY THE SIDELINES WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS RISKING THEIR GODDAMN NECKS. I TRAINED ALL MY MISERABLE FUCKING LIVE TO JOIN THE ELITE CORE OF TRESHECUTIONERS. I HIT LIKE A BERSERTANK AND HAVE MY SENSES HONED LIKE A LAUGHSASSIN.   
CA: look, you’re probably the only one here that can stand me, let alone talk to me.  
CA: you’re also the only one evveryone accepts as their leader.   
CA: it wwouldn’t be vvery clevver or beneficial to havve you in the middle of the fight.  
CG: WELL…FUCK.   
CG: WE’LL SEE HOW IT GOES. I AM NOT GOING TO SIT AND WATCH YOU ASSHOLES GET SLAUGHTERED.   
CA: alright, that’s good enough.  
CA: i’ll see you in the lab then.  
CG: I’LL BE RIGHT THERE.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

Finally, with all that out of the way Karkat could make his way down to the lab. He would greet his friends, thank them for everything and say something heroic ( _“SOMETHING LIKE; THERE WILL COME A DAY WHEN THE TROLL RACE FALLS. BUT THIS IS NOT THAT DAY!”_ ).

He looked at his reflection in the computer screen; he was beyond tired and he looked the part. He was far from the ideal, strong and healthy male troll. He was short, his horns and teeth were dull and, in a sweep or so, the hated red would be visible in his eyes.  
And despite all that, for the first time all his friends were looking to him as their leader. It was enough to make him confident in their cause and make him believe they were going to win.

”WE ARE GOING TO KICK JACKS FUCKING ASS AND MAKE HIM WISH HE NEVER TURNED AGAINST US.” Karkat said to his reflection.

As if answering him, trollian notified him of a new message. The name of the sender made his bile rise.

\-- FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] began trolling  CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] 1 HOUR FROM NOW--

FCG: HEY.  
CCG: OH FUCK NO.  
CCG: ALL OF MY NO’S.   
CCG: INFINITY+1 NO’S.  
CCG: I AM NOT DOING THIS. I AM NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH MYSELF OVER WHATEVER TRIVIAL HOOFBEASTMANURE YOU’RE GOING TO BRING UP.  
CCG: I DID ALL THIS SHIT TO AVOID HAVING TO DEAL WITH ANY PAST OR FUTURE SELVES AND NOW YOU HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO START A CONVO YOURSELF? FUCK YOU UP YOUR NASAL CAVITIES TILL HATE-JIZZ POURS OUT OF YOUR EARS.  
FCG: ARE YOU QUITE DONE?  
CCG: NO!  
CCG: WHY ARE YOU TYPING IN THAT ATROCIOUS COLOR?  
FCG: TO AVOID HAVING TO DEAL WITH A BIG GREY MESS CLUTTERING UP THE SCREEN. IT IS REALLY ASTOUNDING WE NEVER THOUGHT OF DOING IT BEFORE WHEN TALKING TO OURSELVES.  
CCG: NO IT ISN’T. IF ANYONE FOUND OUT ABOUT IT WE’D BE CULLED ON THE SPOT.  
CCG: TELL ME, DO I LOSE MY SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCTS IN THE NEAR FUTURE?  
FCG: MAN, I CAN BE A PAIN TO DEAL WITH.  
FCG: TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND THINK ABOUT THE LOGICAL THING YOU SHOULD BE ASKING.  
CCG: OH DON’T YOU ‘TAKE-A-DEEP-BREATH- ME, YOU CONDESCENDING ASSHOLE!  
CCG: ………  
CCG: WAIT.  
FCG: COME ON PAST ME, I KNOW YOU’RE NOT COMPLETELY STUPID.  
CCG: WE ACTUALLY BEAT JACK? I’LL ACTUALLY SURVIVE?  
FCG: PRETTY MUCH.  
CCG: HOW MANY CASUALTIES?  
FCG: NONE. REALLY, THE PRINCES WAS ON FIRE TODAY, SHE FLAT-OUT REFUSED TO LET ANYBODY DIE.  
CCG: HOW MANY WOUNDED?  
FCG: OH PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE TO AN EXTENT.  
FCG: GAMZEE GOT STABBED, LIKE, THIRTY TIMES IN THE CHEST, KANAYA GOT STABBED IN THE GUT AT SOME POINT, AFTER WHICH VRISKA WENT MURDERCRAZY AND GOT HER HORN CHIPPED.  
FCG: ERIDAN GOT A NASTY SLASH TO THE WAIST. TOOK FEFERI QUITE SOME EFFORT TO MAKE SURE THE GUY WOULDN’T FALL APART.   
FCG: I’LL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS.  
CCG: OK, FINE. I CAN LIVE SIMPLY KNOWING WE’LL WIN. BUT HOW?  
FCG: WELL TO BE HONEST…….THE FIGHT WAS ALMOST EMBERASSINGLY SHORT.  
FCG: MOST OF IT WENT AS PLANNED. ARADIA APPEARED, JACK APPEARED, SOLLUX AND ERIDAN BLASTED HIM WHILE VRISKA AND GAMZEE MOVED IN, GIVEN BOOSTS BY NEPETA AND TAVROS.  
FCG: TEREZI WAS SHOUTING WHERE JACK WAS GOING, SOLLUX AND ERIDAN KEPT FIRING AT HIM, AND VRISKA WAS JUST FUCKING WAILING ON HIM, LIKE CONFECTIONS WOULD POP OUT IF SHE HIT HARD ENOUGH.  
FCG: ARADIA NEARLY FUCKED EVERYTHING UP BY TAKING EQUIUS AND KANAYA TO PREPARE SOME SORT OF SHITTY COMBO ATTACK.  
FCG: EVENTUALLY THAT PRETTY MUCH DEFEATED JACK, SO I DON’T MIND TOO MUCH IN HINDSIGHT. BUT WHEN EQUIUS’ ABSENCE IN THE FRAY CREATED AN OPENING I FIGURED IT WAS UP TO ME TO COVER IT.  
CCG: OK, SO WHAT IS ARADIA PLANNING?  
FCG: WELL…AS THE BATTLE RAGED ON JACK KINDA OVERWHELMED US AND WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT TO UNLEASH THE RED MILES TO JUST BLOW EVERYTHING UP.   
FCG: THEN TAVROS, OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE, MANAGED TO PARALYZE HIM BY COMMUNING WITH THE ANIMAL SIDE OF HIM.  
CCG: WAIT, TAVROS? WHAT THE SHIT.  
CCG: I JUST TALKED TO HIM AND I ALMOST SHAT HIS FUCKING ROBOLEGS JUST THINKING OF THE FIGHT.  
FCG: WELL, HE CAME TROUGH AND STOPPED JACK FROM MOVING AT A CRITICAL POINT.  
CCG: RIGHT, SO ARE YOU GETTING TO ARADIA’S COMBO ATTACK OR WHAT?  
FCG: I AM GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU; I SAW IT HAPPENING, THE WHOLE FUCKING SPACE/TIME/VOID THING SHE PLANNED, AND I HAVE STILL NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED.   
FCG: I JUST SMILED, NODDED AND PRETENDED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON WHEN ARADIA AND KANAYA EXPLAINED.  
FCG: EITHER THEY BANISHED JACK TO THE VOID, SEND HIM TO A DIFFERENT DIMENSION, SEND HIM TO THE ENDTIMES, OR SEND HIM TO A VOID-FILLED DIFFERENT DIMENSION AFTER THE END OF TIMES.  
FCG: I DON’T CARE RIGHT NOW. WE WON, JACK IS GONE.  
CCG: FUCK IT, I’LL TAKE IT.  
CCG: SO HOW DID WE DO FIGHTING IN THE FRAY?  
FCG: I DID WELL ENOUGH, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED……   
FCG: BUT I HOPE YOU AREN’T TOO ATTACHED TO DUAL WIELDING YOUR SCYTHES.  
CCG: FUCK!  
CCG: OF COURSE I’D BE LIKE A FUCKING TROLL MING VASE TO JACK.   
FCG: HEY, DON’T BE TOO HARD ON OURSELVES. YOU DODGED A FATAL BLOW LIKE A PRO.  
FCG: IT’S A PAIN IN MY REAR, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT FUCKING WORSE.  
CCG: OK, WHEN DO I BECOME A FUCKING OPTIMIST?  
CCG: IT MEANS EVERYONE SEES MY FUCKING BLOOD. OUR FUCKING BLOOD.  
CCG: HOW ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE?  
FCG: WELL……. WHEN JACK WAS GONE THERE WAS JUST A LOT OF SILENCE. I GUESS IT WAS A WEIRD REALISATION FOR EVERYONE THAT THIS FUCKING MESS OF A GAME WAS OVER.  
FCG: EVENTUALLY TEREZI WOULD JOIN ME AND MAKE SURE I WASN’T BLEEDING TO DEATH…..   
FCG: I THINK SHE WAS ALSO THERE TO MAKE SURE NO ONE WOULD TRY TO CULL ME. THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE BLOOD LOSS PLAYING TRICKS ON ME, BUT I SAW HOW SHE WAS HOLDING HER BLADE. SHE WAS FUCKING SERIOUS.  
CCG: SO TEREZI SAVED US?   
CCG: DAMNIT, SHE’LL NEVER LET ME LIVE THAT ONE DOWN.  
FCG: AFTER THAT SOLLUX JUST STARTED LAUGHING. I GUESS IT WAS A BIT OF AN ANTI-CLIMACTIC WAY OF FINDING OUT WE’VE BEEN HOLDING FOR SWEEPS.  
CCG: UGH, THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE.  
FCG: THEN FEFERI CAME OVER AND BEGAN WORKING HER LIFE MAGIC, DRAGGED SOLLUX ALONG AND STARTED TO FUCKING JAM IN PUBLIC.  
CCG: I…  
CCG: THAT WOMAN HAS NO SHAME!  
CCG: MY GOD, AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD BECOME A PALE DEVIANT. AT LEAST I HAD THE FUCKING DECENCY TO KEEP THAT SHIT PRIVATE.  
FCG: FUCK I KNOW. IT GETS WORSE.  
CCG: OH GOD…DON’T EVEN TELL ME.  
FCG: YEAH, SO VRISKA WANTED ME TO MAKE GOOD ON MY WORD.  
CCG: OH PLEASE NO.  
FCG: SHE PRETTY MUCH PUSHED KANAYA INTO ME, BUT GOT DRAGGED ALONG.  
CCG: OH FUCK EVERY NON-EXISTENT GOD.  
FCG: AFTER WHICH I ASSUME GAMZEE, TAVROS AND ERIDAN JUST FELT A LITTLE LEFT OUT…..  
CCG: STOP THIS MADNESS!  
FCG: TEREZI JUST FIGURED; “OH WH4T TH3 H3LL”, AND JUMPED IN.  
CCG: I AM NOT HEARING THIS!  
FCG: ARADIA WELL… I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HER DEAL IS ANYMORE. SHE JOINED WITH THE SCARIEST FUCKING GRIN ON HER FACE.  
CCG: THIS IS JUST SO……  
CCG: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?  
FCG: AND THEN EVEN NEPETA AND EQUIUS DECIDED TO JOIN THE PERVERSIONS.  
CCG: SO YOU WERE IN A PILE, AND I CANNOT EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE I AM TYPING THIS, WITH ALL ELEVEN OF OUR TEAMMATES?  
FCG: PRESENT TENSE ACTUALLY. GAMZEE’S HORN IS STILL UNCOMFORTABLY POKING MY FUCKING RIB AS WE SPEAK.  
FCG: TAVROS JUST FINISHED TALKING ABOUT HOW HE WANTS TO TRY AND MAN UP, WITHOUT RESORTING TO WEIRD COP-OUTS LIKE TREATING HIS SELF-CONFIDENCE LIKE A SEPARATE ENTITY.  
FCG: AND NEPETA JUST KISSED ME, IN A MANNER WAY TO RED TO BE PALE, AND I DON’T EVEN FUCKING CARE.  
CCG: OK, THIS CAN’T BE IT. THIS CAN’T BE MY FUTURE.  
CCG: YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT, NOT ONLY EVERYTHING WORKS OUT. MY PALE SHENANIGANS, MY TERRIBLE PLAN TO FACE JACK, EVERYTHING. BUT THAT IT WORKS OUT FOR THE BETTER?  
FCG: YEAH, I GUESS I ALWAYS WAS A BIT FUCKING SKEPTIC WASN’T I?  
CCG: SKEPTIC DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING BEGIN TO COVER IT!?   
CCG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS, AFTER ALL THE SHIT WE’VE BEEN TROUGH!  
CCG: AND NOW YOU POP UP TELLING ME IT’LL ALL BY BABY MEOWBEASTS, AND RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE!  
FCG: ACTUALLY NOW NEPETA AND TEREZI ARE TALKING TOGETHER AND LOOKING AT ME.  
FCG: I WORRY FOR MY CONTINUED EXISTENCE.  
CCG: WELL FUTURE ME, IF THAT IS YOUR BIGGEST WORRY AT THIS POINT IN TIME THEN EAT A BULGE!  
FCG: OKAY, I UNDERSTAND YOUR FRUSTRATION.  
CCG: OH DON’T YOU FUCKING START. JUST BECAUSE I AM SOME PALE FUCKING MIRACLE WORKER DOESN’T MEAN I AM GOING TO START RUBBING MY OWN HORNS.  
FCG: NOTHING SO PORNOGRAPHIC.  
FCG: I REALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR FRUSTRATION. AFTER ALL, I AM YOU.  
FCG: AND THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I AM TALKING TO A PAST OR FUTURE SELF.  
CCG: WHAT!?   
FCG: IT’S JUST TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING HASSLE TO KEEP FIGHTING MYSELF, WHILE PAST AND FUTURE ME ARE ALL PARTS OF ME, THE WHOLE THAT MAKES KARKAT.  
CCG: I……I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM BECOMING SUCH A FUCKING DOUCHENOZZLE IN AN HOUR.  
CCG: DID YOU JUST CONTACT ME TO GLOAT? “CHECK IT, I AM JAMMING WITH MY WHOLE TEAM AND EVERYTHING’S COOL?”  
FCG: A LITTLE.  
CCG: OH GO SIT ON A DAGGERLANCE YOU INEPT FUCKWIT.  
FCG: IT ISN’T THE MAIN REASON THOUGH. I JUST WANTED TO COMFORT YOU FOR THE ONCOMING BATTLE.  
FCG: I KNOW HOW SCARY IT SEEMS BECAUSE, BIG SHOCK, I’VE BEEN THERE A FUCKING HOUR AGO.  
FCG: AND I GUESS…… THERE’S SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU. FOR BOTH YOUR SAKE AND MINE.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?  
FCG: IT IS INCREDIBLY FUCKING WEIRD TO SAY, BUT WE DESERVE IT.  
FCG: …I AM PROUD OF YOU.  
FCG: I AM SO INCREDIBLY FUCKING PROUD OF YOU.  
CCG: WHAT!?  
FCG: AND BY EXTENSION PROUD OF MYSELF.  
CCG: OK NO. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FUCKING EXPLAIN THIS BECAUSE MY THINKPAN JUST BLASTED TROUGH THE ROOF AND IS ON IT’S WAY TO MEET JACK IN A HEAD-ON COLLISION.   
FCG: JUST LOOK AT US. WE’RE A MUTANT AND WE SURVIVED THE FUCKING APACOLYPS. WE HAVE BECOME THE RESPECTABLE LEADER OF THE REMAINDER OF OUR RACE. WE HAVE SURVIVED AGAINST ALL FUCKING ODDS AND HELPED EVERYONE ELSE SURVIVE….. AND I AM PROUD OF WHO I WAS AN HOUR AGO. I AM PROUD WE MANAGED ALL THAT SHIT.  
FCG: AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE A LITTLE PROUD OF OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS?  
FCG: JUST A SMALL PAT ON OUR SHOULDER?  
CCG: WELL NO, NOT UNTILL I BEAT JACK, BUT I SUPPOSE I CAN’T FUCKING STOP YOU.  
CCG: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?  
FCG: WE’RE PROBABLY GOING TO LOOK FOR A PLACE TO LIVE. WE’RE GOING TO DISCUSS IT TOMORROW. I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE WE HAVE THAT LUXURY RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: I SEE…  
CCG: THAT ACTUALLY DOES SOUND KINDA NICE.  
FCG: AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU READY TO LEAD YOUR TEAM?  
CCG: I WAS HATCHED READY!  
FCG: THEN GO GET HIM PAST ME. SHOW JACK WHAT IT MEANS TO MESS WITH US.  
CCG: I WAS GOING TO WITHOUT YOU TELLING ME, STOP GETTING ON MY CASE!  
CCG: BUT WELL……THANKS FOR TELLING ME ALL THAT SHIT.  
FCG: YOU’RE WELCOME PAST ME.  
CCG: GUESS WE TURNED OUT TO BE A TOLERABLE PERSON.  
CCG: IT SURPRISES ME, BUT I AM PRETTY MUCH OK WITH IT.  
FCG: YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT.  
FCG: FAREWELL PAST ME. AND GOOD LUCK.

\--FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] from 1 HOUR FROM NOW ceased trolling  CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]\--

CCG: FAREWELL……

 

Karkat looked at the time ( _“10 MINUTES LEFT.”_ ) and shut down his husktop, trying to take in everything that his future self just told him. About the fight with Jack, the impromptu 12x feelingsjam combo waiting for him and, strangest of all, the sense of self worth it gave him.

Part of him couldn’t comprehend it; that the majority of his worries would end within the hour. He remained a skeptic after all. Another part took great comfort in the knowledge that everything was going to work out. It was an odd sensation.

That day Karkat Vantas, age 6, took his scythe in hand and met his team.

That day, he led trollkind to victory.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, in an entirely different session.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began  pestering gardenGnostic [GG]\--

TG: yo harley  
TG: LOHAC to harley  
TG: come on jade I know youre there  
TG: jade  
TG: harley  
TG: just because i have the time doesnt mean i want to spend all of it waiting  
TG: harley  
TG: jade  
TG: come on i need your help here  
GG: Hi Dave!!!!   
TG: christ about time  
TG: how long were you gonna leave me hanging like the overripe fruit no one wanted to pluck  
TG: farmers everywhere will marvel at the nasty piece of shit hanging from the tree but none would dare touch  
TG: that’s me jade   
TG: you’re leaving me hanging there like a nasty piece of shitty fruit  
GG: well……what kind of fruit would you be?   
TG: oh god  
TG: just from that question alone lalonde is laughing somewhere in her broody cave  
TG: all the bats around her all simultaneously get heart-attacks from the sight of lalonde cracking a smile  
GG: hahahahaha :B  
GG: but do you need help with something???   
TG: yes  
GG: oh wauw. I bet it’s something really cool!   
TG: obviously  
TG: you know how me and GC exchange comics and shit  
GG: No I didn’t know that…   
GG: It sounds really fun though, I’d love to help!   
TG: jumping the gun there harley  
GG: aaaww :(   
TG: no this is some grade-A biology shit i need your help with  
TG: see we made an exchange of the most pornographic picture we could find  
GG: :O  
GG: Dave, I can’t believe I’m reading this!   
GG: Just what kind of business are you getting involved in?!   
TG: christ harley chill  
TG: it’s all ironic  
GG: Oh….. I don’t really see how, but then I don’t really get your irony :(   
TG: youll figure it out in no time trust me  
TG: then you and me can drive Egbert insane with our awesome ninja-like irony  
GG: hahaha so cool!!!   
GG: but if it wasn’t porn that you send GC, what did you send?   
TG: open ms.paint  
TG: use the bucket tool and make that shit all red  
TG: don’t know how but she gets off on that somehow  
TG: top that shit off doodle in a terribly drawn penis  
TG: that is a classic strider piece worthy of the international museum of irony  
GG: uhm…… are you sure that’s ironic?   
TG: shit that’s like sixth tier irony right there  
TG: take notes harley try to keep up  
GG: ok!   
TG: anyway its her reply i need your help with  
GG: uhm….do i have to look at trollporn with you?   
TG: what?   
TG: christ harley, you wound me.   
TG: I’m a gentleman, i would at least buy you diner first  
TG: the most expensive burger king menu on the list  
TG: i have standards you know  
GG: swoon, oh mr Strider ooh :)   
TG: this shit is completely suited for work check it

\--turntechGodhead sent “TROLLP1L3.jpg”--

GG: Aaaaaaaaw!!!   
GG: Dave, they are so cute together!!!   
TG: shit, you think that’s cute?   
GG: Don’t you see how happy they look?   
TG: shit it’s just a pile of troll limbs and horns  
GG: I think the one with the big horns is Tavros! He looks so happy cuddled up with that clown and the guy with the sunglasses :)   
TG: shit that fucking clown  
GG: The girl with the fins must be Feferi. She looks really…….uhm…..  
TG: she looks like she got her rocks off   
GG: DAVE!   
TG: what its true  
GG: I just can’t find Karkat in the picture…… None of them look really grumpy.   
TG: look for the one with nubby horns  
GG: Well…..there is one with nubby horns, but he actually looks really happy.   
GG: I’ll just ask him to send a picture later. Then I can compare.   
GG: But I don’t understand what you need help with.   
TG: i thought i was finally going to discover what trolljunk looked like  
TG: do they have tentacles  
TG: do they have a hotdog  
TG: a taco  
TG: do they have teeth down there  
TG: all of the aforementioned options combined  
TG: i was gonna be the magellan of troll genitalia  
GG: Daaaaaave X(  
TG: what  
GG: Groooooooss!!! Worst coolkid!!!!   
TG: i thought you would apreciate the science behind it GG: I don’t know….. I’m better at physics then biology.   
TG: like  
TG: how the fuck can i consider this erotic  
TG: i can’t fap to this  
GG: Daaaaaaaaave!   
TG: right right gross  
TG: but help me out here harley  
TG: how can this be considered erotic  
TG: how does troll biology even work  
GG: hmm  
TG: yes  
GG: hmmmmm  
TG: go on  
GG: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
TG: bring it home harley  
GG: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
TG: oh fuck  
TG: just do the science thing already  
GG: Perhaps it’s osmosis???   
TG: what  
GG: You know, trough skin contact?   
TG: i  
TG: christ  
TG: ok  
TG: under no circumstances must you hug karkat understood  
TG: hes cranky now wait till he gets pregnant  
TG: itd be like that shitty schwarzenegger flick junior except a lot less funny and somehow even more awkward  
GG: I don’t think stuff like that works cross-species Dave  
TG: can’t be too careful  
TG: now we gotta warn john to avoid the spiderbitch before he gets preggers as well  
TG: thanks harley  
TG: later  
GG: Dave wait!

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]\--

GG: I can’t even tell if he’s serious or not.   
GG: he doesn’t really think it’s osmosis does he?   
GG: ooh boy………

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well fuck this took forever. Especially the conversation between past and future Karkat. Originally I was going to have the final fight and the conversation mash together, but that became really messy. 
> 
> Somehow the entire thing became tl;dr. Wonder how that happened.
> 
> Bonuschapter will be up later. First I'll be writing the next installment of 'everyone: watch disney'.


	11. The art of the human intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rose is confronted with her substance abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter to the karkateveryone series. Set somewhere during the three year meteor ride.

GA: Karkat I Understand This Matter Is Considered Somewhat Taboo In Our Society  
GA: But Her Actions Are Driving Me To Desperation  
GA: When She Is At Her Worst She Is Barely Comprehensible  
GA: I Feel Like I Am Losing Both Her And Myself  
GA: She Insists Nothing Is Wrong And Keeps On Drinking Those Terrible Toxins And I Feel Powerless  
GA: I Am Trying My Hardest To Let Her Know How I Feel  
GA: How Much I Worry For Her Health  
GA: Both Physically And Mentally  
GA: But I Am Simply Not Getting Trough To Her  
GA: And  
GA: Well  
GA: I Am Somewhat Reluctant To Speak Of This  
GA: But I Need Someone To Confide In So Please Bare With Any Possible Transgressions On My Part  
GA: But  
GA: Her Vacant Smile When She Is On Those Terrible Soporifics Reminds Me Of  
GA: Him  
GA: And It Scares Me As I Feel Black Emotions Develop For My Matesprite  
GA: It Is Not Just Me Anymore Either   
GA: Even Dave Can No Longer Deny Her Miserable State Of Affairs And Advised Me To Arrange This Little  
GA: Intervention He Called It  
GA: A Human Er  
GA: Method  
GA: Used To Attempt Helping People Out Of Their Destructive Habits  
GA: I Know You Are Not Obliged To Help Her By Any Means  
GA: But It Would Be Very Good For The Team If You Were To Assist In This Situation  
GA: And Well  
GA: It Would Mean A Lot To Me Personally If You Could Be There  
GA: Disregarding My Matespriteship With Rose And Attempts To Befriend Dave   
GA: You Are The Only Reliable Friend I Have Left

Karkat stared dumbfounded at the message he received on trollian. These days he spend most of his time working on codes (“ _WHICH IS GOING JUST FINE, THANK YOU._ ”) and working out when he thought no one could see him. More than once Meenah had caught him completely off-guard and made fun of him for it, but the alternative was being completely unprepared when entering the other session.  
He knew about Rose’s habits around the strange human sopor; the way she would pass out in the middle of cantown, surrounded by strangely shaped bottles, or the way she’d be knocked out cold in a drunken stupor in the middle of the hallways….. Two times now Karkat had embarrassingly freaked out, thinking she was a corpse.

It was not his place to worry about her. Dave was her human-moirail-brother, it was his responsibility to make sure she was ok. Kanaya as her matesprite should have known to take it up with him before things spiraled out of control.

He realized however that it wasn’t entirely her fault. These humans were functionally retarded and wouldn’t know how to properly shoosh-pap each other if their lives depended on it. He could imagine how stressful it must be for her to not only keep her in the flushed quadrant, but also pick up whatever pale needs Dave obviously missed.

He gave a defeated sigh and sat down behind his keyboard. Yes, with the possible exception of the humans (“ _AND THE MAYOR, BUT THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING_ ”) she was also his only reliable friend. At least, since shé chose to pursue a relation with his ( _EX?_ )moirail.

Terezi got caught up in a downwards spiral, drinking the clown’s swill, being unable to face her dancestor and becoming more and more a shell of her former, clever and funny self. Worst of all, Karkat knew he was not the right person to drag her out of it.(“ _WELL…..NOT ANYMORE AT LEAST... I THINK._ ”).

Another thing ruined by their time spent on the meteor.

He had experienced the feeling of letting the one person you most about spiral out of control, and have the relation soured by conflicting black emotions. He would not wish it upon another. And if this ‘intervention’ thing proves useful, perhaps he and Dave could join forces to drag Terezi out of the more destructive aspects of her relation with the clown.

And if all he had to do was the last sane troll on the meteor, who also happened to be his very good friend……

CG: WHAT IS IT YOU NEED FROM ME KANAYA? 

* * *

 

( “ _THIS IS SO FUCKING WRONG._ ” )

Karkat was walking behind Kanaya, Dave and the Mayor as they approached the library ( “ _LALONDE’S TERRITORY_ ” ). According to Dave, it had become her choice location to; “become more shitfaced than Charlie Sheen on tigerblood”, which created more questions than answers.

No one had taken the time to explain what an intervention exactly was, so when Dave explained what the deal was going to be Karkat, for once in his life, fell quiet. This was the kind of thing that only happened in the smuttiest pale pornographies, the kind of thing that would get you culled on Alternia for even thinking about it. His mind briefly wandered to;”in which a highblood and a lowblood flip from black to pale and hold their first feelingsjam on a still bloodstained battlefield”.

It was nothing compared to the human debauchery he was going to get dragged in.

Dave knocked on the door, a determined expression hidden behind his shades.” Yo Rose! Gotta talk to you about something real quick. ”

A muffled giggle came from behind the door.” Daaaaaave. You never knock. Shuch a jgentelman youve becum. ” His shades prevented Karkat from actually seeing, but he was almost certain Dave was rolling with his eyes.” Youve got more of ur rapsh? Thoshe are the besht! ”

Dave’s mouth became a thin line as he turned to the rest.” That’s how bad it is people. ”

Dave opened the door and dropped down on one of the many pillows distributed around the library. Kanaya took a seat facing Rose and the mayor stood a little hesitantly in the door opening. Karkat took his place a bit further removed from the group, hoping the situation wouldn’t require much of his input.

Rose eyed the group with a vacant smile on her face.” Daaaaave” she slurred, placing one of those strange bottles on the ground.” Yous didtn tell me yous got Kayaya and Kakat to rap wih you. ” she burst out giggling.” Thas sho aweshome! ”

Kanaya groaned miserably hearing her matesprite mispronounce her name (“ _NO KIDDING._ ”).Dave sighed and demonstratively picked up the glass bottles around her.” I am not here to rap sis. ”

“You’re not? ” Rose muttered, trying to fake a pout but failing miserably.

“Rose, We Have Gathered Here Because We Worry About Your Habit Of Consuming Copious Amounts Of Human Soporifics. ” Kanaya spoke in a dignified manner. Rose just chuckled.

“I lurv it when you talk dhirthy. ” She giggled winking in a manner she probably thought was seductive.

“She means you get shitfaced too much. ” Dave sighed, sitting down next to Kanaya.” befuddled, clobbered, dipso, fried, hammered, loaded, intoxicated, sloshed, wasted…… Drunk as a lord wasted. ”

“Itsh no biggie. ” Rose said, her vacant smile slowly turning into a worrisome expression.”Are you mad wiz me Katana? ”

Karkat caught a quick annoyed twitch when Rose mispronounced her name yet again, but she recovered quickly.” No Rose. ” She said with all the dignity she could muster.” I Am Not Mad, I Am Concerned. We all Are. When The Game Began You Were Intelligent, Quick On Your Feet And Incredibly Witty. But Ever Since You Have Begun Drinking That Swill All These Beautiful Qualities That Made Me Pity You Have Fallen In Decline. ”

“Awhawha thanks Katinka. ” Rose sighed almost blissfully. She looked at her matesprite and smiled.” You’re beauti…..beau….batifu….. pretty too. ”

“She means you’re drinking too much and it’s showing. ” Dave corrected.“ You haven’t insinuated that I’m Oedipus incarnate with a hard-on for puppet plush, for almost a year. ”

Rose looked a bit embarrassed in her own reflection in Dave’s shades.” Well….. yours bone……boner fur Jooohn ish a well known fact rite? Do you shtiiiiil dream aboat him? ” She snorted, then giggled, then burst out laughing at her own comment.

“Half-hearted sis. ” Dave sighed.” 2/10. Performed so poorly even the judges want their money back. ”

“Rose, This Is Exactly What We Are Worried About. ”

“You haven’t been yourself since you got hooked up with that alchemized alcohol. ”

“We Care About You And Want To Help You. ”

“You need to stop making that shit. ”

Rose sat there, shuffling uncomfortable in her chair grasping for words to defend herself. Karkat could not entirely blame her; this was as close as it got to pale rape. He could read how uncomfortable Kanaya was from her expression. The act of coercing your matesprite into a feelingsjam was considered incredibly taboo on Alternia and it clearly caused her some concern.

Dave on the other hand was really laying it on thick and actually stood up to embrace his ecto-sibling in what just might be his first act as a moirail that Karkat approved of. Rose hesitated for a few seconds before returning the hug.

“I…. I don’t havvve…. A problum. ” She hiccupped.” Ive only been driking a few weeks….”

“Rose, You Have Been Drinking The Better Part Of A Human Year” Kanaya spoke motherly as she approached the hugging siblings. Karkat felt like a voyeur as watched as she rubbed the back of her matesprite who was still hugging her human-moirail.

“But itsh not a problem. ” Rose whimpered quietly.

“LALONDE, I’VE ALMOST TRIPPED OVER YOU AS YOUR DRUNKEN BUTT OCCUPIED THE FLOOR IN THE HALLWAYS. ” Karkat caught himself saying before he could stop himself. “THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SERIOUS FUCKING PROBLEM TO ME. ”. Dave’s face was unreadable, but Kanaya looked somewhat thankful that he interfered before she had to get even paler with her matesprite. Rose just giggled as she heard the word butt.

“I dont remembur you tripip….tripping ovur me crabbykat. ” Rose hiccupped.

“I CALLED YOU A SAD FUCKING TOSSER, AMONG OTHER, MUCH LESS KIND THINGS, FOR DROPPING DOWN LIKE THAT. ” Karkat continued. He got up and decided to join the close-proximity party and stood next to Kanaya. “I THINK YOU WOULD REMEMBER IF YOU WERE EVEN REMOTELY MENTALLY SOUND. ”

“Dude, harsh. ” Dave mumbled.

“I’M STANDING BY IT. ”

“Rose, Please Consider Losing This Toxic Habit Of Yours. It Is So Incredibly Painful For Me To See You Like This. ”

“Pleashe….”

“I Desire Nothing But Your Continued Health And Happiness Rose. ”

“But itsh not..-  “

“THAT FUCKING TOXIC IS A WASTE OF OUR PRECIOUS GRIST. ”

“I-- “

“I even prepared a duet we can do if you clean your act up. No way you’re pronouncing these things when shitfaced. ”

Rose broke out of the hug with a frightened expression on her face (“ _DID WE LAY IT ON TO THICK?_ ”) and pushed Dave aside to run for the door. Much to her dismay however, the mayor was there waiting.

The mayor started wildly gesturing with his arms. Rose looked intrigued at the little creature and sank down to her knees to look him in the eyes.

“But I…-- “

“…………..”

“Of courshe I do! ”

“………………”

“….It’sh sho shimple if you explanet…..explit….if you say it. ”

“……………………………………..”

Suddenly Rose burst out in tears and slung her arms around the mayor, crying half drunken words Karkat could only barely recognize. She cried about how sorry she was for everything. She cried about how she missed her human mother and how much she loved Dave and Kanaya (“ _MISSING SOMEONE?_ ” ). Dave responded with a brave little smile and Kanaya genuinely lit up as Rose made her breakthrough. She immediately settled down next to her matesprite to assure her everything was alright.(“ _A PALE GESTURE YES, BUT THESE HUMANS SURE REACT WELL ON THEM_ ” )

Dave turned away from the couple and the mayor and looked at Karkat.”Thanks for joining us dude. ” He said in his trademarked ironic monotone, with just a hint of relief.” From here on out we can focus on her keeping away from the stuff and making sure she actually recovers. ”

“YEAH, YOU’RE WELCOME. ” Karkat growled, looking at the matesprites. Now both of them were crying.” HUMANS ARE FUCKING WEIRD. ”

“Took you a whole year to figure out? ”

“CAN IT STRIDER. ” Karkat grumbled, before briefly looking around to see if anyone was hiding in the vents or listening in.

“DO YOU THINK……. THIS SHIT WORKS ON TROLLS AS WELL? ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God bless you, Mayor
> 
> Now to work on: 
> 
> ~~Feferi <3everyone~~  
>  ~~Nepeta noncon everyone~~  
>  A completely unrelated crackpairing.


End file.
